Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

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Mystic Falls – 1864

A Creepy-Ass Carriage: Trundles down a dark, woodsy path.

Katherine Pierce and Damon Salvatore: Wait for the Creep-Ass Carriage to run them over.

This: Will become much more dramatic when someone invents the internal combustion engine.

Rich Southern Drawl Guy: It ain’t safe out here, ma’am!

Katherine Pierce: Why, no, it isn’t! Fangs!

Rich Southern Drawl Guy: Dies.

Let’s Pretend That This Guy Isn’t A Slave: Also dies.

Katherine Pierce: Is a messy eater, and a sloppy kisser.

Damon Salvatore: Is strangely all right with this.

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Mystic Falls – Present Day

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Cuddly nakedly.

Damon Salvatore: Morning, guys!

Elena Gilbert: Eep! Cover-snatch!

Damon Salvatore: Please, if I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.

Damon Salvatore: Gets all the best lines.

Damon Salvatore: So, you guys look for the journal that will lead us to the Book of Shadows that will lead us to some other McGuffin that will eventually lead us to Katherine. I’m going to go eat someone. Tootles!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Wait for it… wait for it… smooch!

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Mystic Falls – 1864

Katherine Pierce and Damon Salvatore: Giggle, tussle, smooch, fangs!

Asian Vampire Chick: So, the townsfolk are hitting up the anti-vampire pot. We’re getting really close to pitchforks-and-torches again. Time to move on?

Katherine Pierce: Pish tosh! I’m not done sullying the Salvatore brothers yet!

Anna No-Last-Name: Sup folks! Bet you never would have guessed that I have a long and torturous past with Katherine and the Salvatores, would you?

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Mystic Falls – Present Day

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Ow! Sunlight burns!

Anna No-Last-Name: You’re a vampire. And an idiot.

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Elena Gilbert: So, do you think Damon’s figured out we’re gonna stab him in the back yet?

Stefan Salvatore: Nah! I’m sure that my evil, deceitful brother, who has a century and a half’s worth of experience lying and detecting lies, trusts me fully.

Elena Gilbert: And if he manages to set Katherine fee?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, you know. Wholesale slaughter, the end of days, the usual. Also, probably cake. Katherine loves cake.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, look at all the old crap you guys found! It’s almost as old as the journal of our vampire-slaying forefather, which I lent to Alaric “Why No, I’m Not a Vampire Slayer” Saltzman!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Significant look.

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Alaric Saltzman: Treats one-hundred-and-fifty year old historical relics with all the care and concern you’d show an old issue of TV Guide.

Creepy Shadow Vampire: Creeps through the shadows.

Alaric Saltzman: Pulls a pneumatic stake launcher out of his school locker.

Thomas: 0_o

Alaric Saltzman: Stake launch!

Stefan Salvatore: Stake catch! Teacher throw! So, what’s with the Van Helsing routine?

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, you know. Wife murdered by vampires, sworn to a life of secrecy and revenge, became a high school history teacher because the girls are hot. The usual.

Stefan Salvatore: The Gilbert journal?

Alaric Saltzman: On my desk.

Stefan Salvatore: No it’s not.

Alaric Saltzman: Oh… poop. sadface

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Anna No-Last-Name: Blah blah blah, stilted English, oh creepy he thought my mom was hot, Katherine is going to turn the Salvatore brothers, Damon has daddy issues… God, this diary sucks. Is Jersey Shore on or something?

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Damon Salvatore: Cooks dinner for Aunt Jenna.

Aunt Jenna: Hey, have I ever told you how my single defining character trait is talking about my bad romances? See, there was this guy, Logan Fell… Slams a glass of wine.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, yeah, him. They never found his body him, did they? Hey, here, have more wine!

Elena Gilbert: Um…

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Alaric Saltzman: Oh, by the way, your brother was totes the guy who ate my wife, and I’m totes going to ram a stake through his dead, black heart.

Stefan Salvatore: You… might want to keep that tidbit to yourself.

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Damon Salvatore: So, can I trust Stephan?

Elena Gilbert: What? Why would you say that? That’s crazy talk! Of course you can trust him he’s your brother and he loves you and he would never lie to you and he would certainly never hatch a plan to lock you in a magic witch tomb with your psycho ex vampire lover so that he can finally catch up on Days of Our Lives without worrying about whether or not you’re going to eat the cleaning lady! Nervous laugh.

Damon Salvatore: Well, that was… convincing.

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Mystic Falls – 1864

Stefan Salvatore: So, I’m thinking about telling Dad that we’re both shacking up with a vampire.

Damon Salvatore: Our dad, the Founder and President of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, and Treasurer of the “We Hate Vampires” club? That dad? Sure, sounds like a great plan. Idiot.

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Mystic Falls – Present Day

Aunt Jenna: Your hot boyfriend’s hot brother is hot! And he cooks!

Damon Salvatore: Smirk.

Elena Gilbert: He’s an ass.

Damon Salvatore: Eye roll.

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Ben the Vampire Bartender: Sings Metallica Karaoke

Thomas: Has been there, done that.

Bonnie Bennet: I love Elena! I’d like die for her!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: That can be arranged.

Bonnie Bennet: Wait, what?

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Damon Salvatore: So, about the weird hot asian chick that’s always asking about Gilbert the Vampire Slayer’s journal?

Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah, she’s so clingy. She wants to meet at the grill tonight.

Damon Salvatore: Great! I’ll drive!

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Damon Salvatore: Hey, that weird hot stalker asian chick looks a lot like Katherine’s vampire friend’s… daughter… OMG WTF?!? Dun dun dun!

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Elena Gilbert: Hey, it says here that your father promised to carry the secrets of the Book of Shadows with him to his grave!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, I bet that totally doesn’t mean it’s literally buried in his coffin with him! And there’s no way Damon’s going to go exhuming his body or anything wacky like that!

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Mystic Falls – 1864

Stefan Salvatore: So, dad, I was thinking… how do we know vampires are all evil? What if one of them was good? And hot? Like, really, really hot?

Daddy Salvatore: What? Have you any evidence of this foolishness? Have you even met a vampire?

Stefan Salvatore: What? No! Haha! Of course I’ve never met a vampire. And I’ve definitely never wink-wink-ed and nudge-nudge-ed one. Why do you ask? Nervous laugh.

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Mystic Falls – Present Day

Stefan Salvatore: Holy crap, the Book of Shadows is literally buried in his coffin with him! And we’re going to go exhuming his body or something wacky like that!

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Damon Salvatore: Throat grab!

Anna No-Last-Name: Throat grab!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, okay, we both let go on three… two… one…

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Mystic Falls – 1864

Stefan Salvatore: You’re hot.

Katherine Pierce: I know. Tackle, smooch, bite! Gag! Anti-vampire pot!

Daddy Salvatore: What ho! Her true form is revealed! You go get the Sheriff! And I shall stand here ineffectively, watching her until she inevitably recovers and murders me!

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Mystic Falls – Present Day

Ben the Vampire Bartender: So, the night is young and I’m all yours… what do you want to do?

Bonnie Bennet: This! Smooch! Gasp! Freak out and quickly recover!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Wait, what’s wrong?

Bonnie Bennet: Oh, nothing! I just should have waited until the end of the night to kiss you! I totally didn’t have a psychic flash of impending doom and death and woe, like I did the first time I touched Stephan, who is also a vampire! Nervous laugh. Hey, I have to run to the bathroom real quick!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Okay! Oh, and by the way, Fangs!

---

Stefan Salvatore: Digs up his father’s grave.

Elena Gilbert: Helps by standing by and making inane comments.

Damon Salvatore: Hey guys! That sure is a nice Book of Shadows you got there!

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Damon Salvatore: So, since you’re obviously not going to just give me the Book of Shadows… hey Elena, here, drink some of my blood!

Elena Gilbert: Gurgle, cough, sputter!

Damon Salvatore: So… gimme the book, or I snap her neck, which would turn her into a vampire, which wold mean you’d have to put up with her forever.

Stefan Salvatore: Well since you put it that way…

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Mystic Falls – 1864

Daddy Salvatore: Slaps a Vampire Chastity Belt over Katherine’s fangs.

Damon Salvatore: Stephan! I’ll never forgive you for this! At least until the second season!

Anna No-Last-Name: Me, either!

Stefan Salvatore: Sadface.

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Mystic Falls – Present Day

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, have you guys seen Anna No-Last-Name?

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what? Super speed Elena protecting vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Is missing.

The Window: Is open conspicuously.

The Plot: Thickens.

“In the beginning, YAHWEH created the Heavens and the Earth. It only took him six days with no hired help. He also found the time to include incontrovertible evidence of a Big Bang, presumably to annoy future cosmologists.” -GodChecker.com

If you’re a technophile – or just a very, very creep person – you may have heard that some guy created an animatronic sex robot. Well, sorry Pal, but Barnes & Noble has outdone you with its twelve ounces of distilled sex called nook.

I absolutely love this thing, because it takes something I already love – reading – and makes it even better. Like many people, I was initially skeptical of the whole e-reader phenomena, because I thought nothing could replace the feel of a book in your hands, or the smell of the pages.

I was wrong. The nook isn’t cheap or flimsy, and it really feels like you’re holding something when it’s in your hand. The e-ink display is sharp and easy to read, and lacks the eye-straining flicker of a computer screen. The momentary lag when the screen flips to a new page isn’t long enough to be a bother.

I had also worried about losing the ability to feel how far into a book you were, but nook has a nice feature that replaces that physical feel; the bottom of the screen has a little ‘1 / 200′ page indicator, and a progress bar that shows you how much more you have to read.

And the little annoyances that books provide are gone. I don’t have to worry about a book being too unwieldy to hold in one hand, or a too-stiff spine slamming my book closed in the middle of a sentence. I don’t have to debate whether or not its worth trying to cram a five-hundred page tome into my messenger bag. I’ve only had my nook for a couple of hours, but it already feels like the way reading is supposed to be.

I charged my nook by hooking it up to my laptop’s USB port, the same way I charge my phone and my iPod. That hookup also let me set custom screen savers and wall papers, and import a PDF of a story I’m working on, so I can read it on the go.

The touch screen is bright and responsive, and the digital QWERTY seems at least as accurate as the one on my HTC Hero, though I wasn’t trying to double-thumb it, so your mileage may vary.

I only have a couple of minor complaints. One, it wasn’t immediately clear to me how to actually start reading the book I has selected; the little circle inside of a rectangle on the right side of the touchscreen looked like a placeholder to me, not an actual UI element. Two, you have to create a sub-folder under “My Wallpapers” to get nook to recognize your photos. I understand why this is true, but it’s annoying. Finally, the layout of an imported PDF is a little bit wanky – newlines and occasional characters are eaten, which throws off the formatting a little. I’m told that this is true any time you try to convert from PDF to ePub, but it still bothers me.

On the whole, I’m totally sold on nook. This isn’t a surprise, since I played with one in-store before ordering it, and knew what I was in for, but it’s still nice to be validated.

If you aren’t a reader, nook is (obviously) not for you. And if you’re only a casual reader, you can probably give it a pass, too. But if you love books, you’ll love nook.

Jay Lake has published an open letter to fans of eBooks, particularly the Kindle, about Macmillan’s dispute with Amazon over the cost of eBooks. It’s a good read, so you should do so now. But the high points have convinced me that Macmillan is right:

The physical material of a book is less than 10% of its total cost. That means eBooks are actually not that much less expensive to produce than hardbacks.

The publishing industry, as a whole, is in dire financial straights. The big publishing houses simply cannot afford to take a large cut in revenues and still remain viable.

If the big publishing houses do not remain viable, we don’t get to read good books.

Macmillan not only wants to charge more for new, popular titles, they also want to charge less for back catalog items, a move which Amazon is also resisting.

“MYSTERY. DRAMA. SUSPENSE. THRILLING ACTS OF COMPLETE MEDIOCRITY.” – “Mark Reads Eclipse

“Love only hurts when you do it right.”

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

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Stephen Salvatore’s Castle of Love

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Cuddle on Stephan’s bed

Elena Gilbert: So, you know that vampire whose face I didn’t see, and who you’ve never met? Do you know who he is yet?

Stefan Salvatore: No, but I did bring you some anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot. I made it into a friendship bracelet!

Elena Gilbert: Squee! You’re the best undead boyfriend that used to date someone that looked exactly like me and killed dozens and dozens of people ever!

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The Gilbert House of Adopted Vampire Spawn and Reformed Stoners

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, your pizza’s here.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, <blink>come on in</blink>, I have to get some cash from my sister.

Thomas: Note: anyone that is ever explicitly invited into the Gilbert household will, in fact, turn out to be a vampire.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Dons a sweatshirt suspiciously similar to the Shadowy Figure of Mystery from Episode Ten and Eleven.

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Castle Salvatore

Damon Salvatore: Tears through the Salvatore Library like a vampire looking for a Book of Shadows that will release hit long-lost psycho vampire lover from her eternal tomb.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about you taking my girlfriend to Atlanta…

Damon Salvatore: So, about you being a hundred and sixty three years old and dating a girl that’s still in high school…

Edward Cullen: Oh, burn.

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Mystic Falls High School – Now Celebrating [7] Days Without A Mysterious Death

Alaric Saltzman: So, for your essay on how the impossibly high number of “Deaths Due to Animal Mauling and Subsequent Loss of Blood” are actually caused by vampires… you get an ‘A’.

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

Alaric Saltzman: But you don’t really believe in vampires, do you? Because that would be totally silly and not at all the reason I came to Mystic Falls and oh can I have the diary of your vampire-slaying uncle? Nervous laugh.

Jeremy Gilbert: Um… yes?

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

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Mystic Falls High School – Exterior

Elena Gilbert: Hey, I got you an anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot necklace!

Caroline Forbes: A lesbian friendship necklace! It’s what I’ve always wanted!

Elena Gilbert: That’s… not what I said.

The Producer: No, that’s okay, roll with it.

Elena Gilbert: Also, I wanted to tell you that I’m totally cool with you seeing me ex.

Caroline Forbes: Oh, er, um, I was totally going to talk to you about that, but then I didn’t because I was afraid, and also busy being the Designated Blood Donor for every vampire within a hundred miles. Also: Matt Donovan: totally not over you.

Elena Gilbert: Aw, Caroline! I’m with Stephan now! Matt has to move on, and you’d be a great second choice!

Caroline Forbes: …

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Mystic Pizza Grill

The Recent Graduate Bartender: So, Matt, what’s up?

Matt Donovan: Oh, nothing, just lamenting the fact that I suck at football and am going to end up working in a bar like you.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Well, thanks for dropping by!

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Elena Gilbert: I’m adopted!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m supportive!

Elena Gilbert: I’m going shopping!

Bonnie Bennet: I’ll pay the bill!

Damon Salvatore: I need your help!

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my mind. Fires that kill vampires. Like you.

Thomas: Really, she said “I can start fires with my mind.” She was one word away from making my recaps cannon.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Macho posturing powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Smirks and decides not to kill him. At least not immediately.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Bonnie, you’re hot.

Bonnie Bennet: That’s because I can start fires with my brain!

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Outside Mystic Pizza Grill

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: rings

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, just calling to let you know that I’m watching you. Get into your car. From across the street.

Elena Gilbert: Please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run.

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Stephen Salvatore’s Castle of Love

Elena Gilbert: Why is he taunting me like this? Why doesn’t he just get it over with?

Stefan Salvatore: What, are you kidding? Staking your prey, driving them slowly insane with fear, and shattering their every illusion of safety is the best part!

Elena Gilbert: …okay, that was creepy.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, and I brought you your ancestral vampire-compass-cum-pocket-watch. This way, we’ll alway know when you’re in danger!

Thomas: You know how else we’ll know she’s in danger? The big dark scary guy with the fangs.

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Mystic Falls Arts and Crafts Day

Caroline Forbes and Matt Donovan: Have a cute moment, Caroline says something dumb, Matt storms off.

Thomas: Knows that this will pay off in a later episode, but really wants someone to get eaten already.

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Mystic Pizza Grill

Anna No-Last-Name: Hey so how did you do on the paper and how are you doing in general and hey would you like to hang out tonight and hey would you like to give me babies?

Jeremy Gilbert: So, I was just…. going… elsewhere.

Thomas: Adds Anna No-Last-Name to his character list, even though he knows she’s going to die soon, because she has no last name.

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The Gilbert House of Answer Seeking Adopted Children

Elena Gilbert: So, I’m going to ignore the ridiculous costume you’re wearing and get right to the point. Me. Adopted. Talk.

Aunt Jenna: So… one night a sixteen year old pregnant girl showed up on your parent’s doorstep and your parents took her in and then she popped you out and then she took off, and your parents really really really wanted a baby and there you were being all baby like and your mom was like “wow, this is so much easier than being pregnant for nine months, let’s just keep this one,” and you’re dad was like “cool,” and he was a doctor so he forged a birth certificate, oh and your mother’s name is Isabel.

Thomas: Elena’s mother’s name is (almost) Bella. Of course.

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Salvatore House of Quarreling Brothers

Stefan Salvatore: So here’s the book you were looking for. I already read through it. It ain’t gonna help. But, I’m so eager to get you out of my town that I’ll help you free Katherine, if that’s what it’ll take.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, right! The old “pretend to help your vampire brother resurrect his vampire girlfriend to gain his trust and absence and also stake him in the back” ploy!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, projecting much?

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The Gilbert House of Poodle Skirts and Revelry

Elena Gilbert: Does her hair.

Elena Gilbert’s Vampire Compass Pocket Watch: Points toward the vampire creeping up behind her.

The Ominous Music: Is ominous

Elena Gilbert: Calls Stephan.

Damon Salvatore: Stephan’s phone. I’m way hotter than he is. What’s up?

Elena Gilbert: Help please help vampire help compass help scared.

Damon Salvatore: Relax, it’s just my brother. He was heading over to your place, and forgot his phone. It’s not like there’s a creepy ass pizza delivery vampire hanging on your ceiling.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Is hanging on the ceiling.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Fangs! Throat lunge!

Stefan Salvatore: Chivalrous rage of chivalry powers activate!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Super-fast vampire running away powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Tremble.

Stefan Salvatore: Comfort.

Thomas: He is so getting some tonight.

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Stefan Salvatore: So what do we do?

Damon Salvatore: Simple, use your girlfriend as bait, lure the CAPDV out, and kill him until he’s dead.

Elena Gilbert: Works for me!

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Mystic Falls High School – Back to the Future Night

The Big Bopper: Is played.

Hair: Is poofy.

Poodle Skirts: Are worn.

Alaric Saltzman: Still has his Letterman’s Jacket

Caroline Forbes: So… Damon’s here. You having a threesome, Elena?

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: No.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Pout.

Aunt Jenna: Hey Alaric, did I tell you about this personality quirk I have, where I have to discuss painful relationship trauma every time I go on an almost-date? Speaking of, what’s the deal with your dead wife?

Thomas: Head. Desk.

Damon Salvatore: Can’t get a date for the dance. Sadface.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Sway to the music.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Shows up wearing his hoodie. This is supposed to be intimidating.

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Anna No-Last-Name: Shows up at the school dance.

Jeremy Gilbert: Totally calls her out for acting like they’re dating when they’re not.

Thomas: Is impressed.

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Mystic Pizza Grill

Bonnie Bennet: The hot bartender is hot!

Caroline Forbes: Please. People that work in bars are so classless.

Matt Donovan: Hey, what’s up. coughbitchcough

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Mystic Falls High School – Back to the Future Night

Alaric Saltzman: Hey… Damon, was it? So, how’s your brother doing? You live here your whole life? Travel much? Where do you go? Why did you kill my wife? Did you try the punch?

Damon Salvatore: Wait… what was that last bit?

Alaric Saltzman: The punch? It’s great. Don’t tell anyone, but I think someone spiked it with anti-vampire pot.

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Mystic Pizza Grill

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, do you like karaoke?

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Nope.

Bonnie Bennet: :-(

The Recent Graduate Bartender: But I do like you.

Bonnie Bennet: :-D

Caroline Forbes: Matt, why are you avoiding me?

Matt Donovan: Oh, I don’t know, could it be that you somehow manage to say something that demeans me every time you open your mouth?

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Anna No-Last-Name: Hey, can I borrow your vampire-hunting uncle’s vampire hunting journal? I need it I need it I need it!

Jeremy Gilbert: Sorry, I loaned it to my vampire-hunting history teacher.

Anna No-Last-Name: Almost fangs!

Thomas: Did not see that coming.

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Elena Gilbert: Teach me to dance like they did in the 50’s!

Stefan Salvatore: I’m thinking: no.

Elena Gilbert: Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, fine. Twirl, toss, throw, smooch!

Thomas: Is pretty sure he could pull that off. Judo is good for something.

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Anna No-Last-Name and the Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Are working together!

The Plot: Is not allowed to thicken yet. Wait till the end of the recap.

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Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Stalks out of the gymnasium.

Stefan Salvatore: Pursues.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Was a decoy!

The Real Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Threatens Elena’s brother to get her to leave the crowd.

Elena Gilbert: Tries to outrun a guy that can outrun a car.

Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Fang block! Stake toss! Jack Bauer impersonation! Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire staking powers activate!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Dies.

Anna No-Last-Name: Sadface.

Alaric Saltzman: Shockedface

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Alaric Saltzman: Iiiiiiiii have anti-vampire pooooooooooooot.</van-helsing>

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Mystic Pizza Grill

Caroline Forbes: We need to talk!

Matt Donovan: I don’t want to ruin out friendship.

Thomas: 0_o

Caroline Forbes: You don’t want to ruin out friendship! Fine! It’s ruined!

Thomas: 0_o

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Alaric Saltzman: Hey, thanks for letting me vent about my dead ex-wife. Hey, did I mention that her name is Isabel? You know, like Elena’s biological mother?

Thomas: 0_o

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The Corner of Sullen Road and Breakup Drive

Matt Donovan: Caroline, wait!

Caroline Forbes: :-p

Matt Donovan: Smooch!

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The Gilbert House of Stephan’s Still Getting Some Tonight

Elena Gilbert: That was exciting!

Stefan Salvatore: Sure was. You know what’s going to be even more exciting? When we trick my brother into believing he can trust us, and pretend to help him free Katherine, and then it backfires on us, and we really do free Katherine, and she eats the entire town!

Elena Gilbert: You’re so hot!

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Mystic Pizza Grill

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Locks up.

Anna No-Last-Name: Fangs!

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Fangs!

Anna No-Last-Name and The Recent Graduate Bartender: Smooch!

The Plot: Thickens.

“I’m becoming quite proficient in typing left handed, which is saying a lot considering that before kids that hand was basically just a decoration for my left wrist.” – Amber Geary Spadea

“<Expletive>. It’s isn’t a <expletive> quirk, the <expletive> things doesn’t <expletive> build, you <expletive> idiot. Just <expletive> fix the <expletive> thing. <Expletive>!”

“I need to order a part from the dealer, and it won’t be in until the morning. Can you leave the car here overnight?” – My Mechanic

“Sure. I’ll just walk home tonight.” – Me

“…” – My Mechanic