- Someplace With Lots of Snow -

George Clooney’s Lover: I love you George Clooney!

George Clooney: I love you to!

George Clooney’s Lover: Say, is that man with a gun trying to kill us?

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

That Man With a Gun: Dies.

George Clooney’s Lover: That was scary!

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

George Clooney’s Lover: Dies.

George Clooney: Hey, the Swedes found me. Again.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dude, sucks for you. You should go hide out in Italy.

- Italy – Half an Hour Later (Running Time) -

George Clooney: Arrives.

- An Hour Later (Running Time) -

Assassin Chick: I need a gun. With bullets. And a silencer. And a box to carry it in.

George Clooney: No problem! I’ll craft the entire thing by hand, using the spare parts I take from Father Joe’s bastard son’s auto shop!

- Two Hours Later (Running Time) -

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Hi George Clooney! I’m naked!

The Camera: Spends the next two days lingering on her breasts.

- Two Days Later (Running Time) -

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: I’m in love with you, George Clooney!

George Clooney: Me too! But I don’t trust you!

- A Month Later (Running Time) -

George Clooney: Well, I’ve fallen in love with a hooker with a heart of gold, so I think it’s time to retire.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Okay! I’ll send over Assassin Chick to… um… debrief you.

- Seven Years Later (Running Time) -

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! You may not recognize me, because I have slightly darker hair now!

George Clooney: Hi Assassin Chick! Here’s the gun I built for you by hand! Please don’t shoot me with it!

- A Century and a Half Later (Running Time) -

George Clooney: Here, take this giant wad of cash and meet me by the river! I have to go kill the assassin I just armed, and my old boss!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: …?

- Three Millennia Later (Running Time) -

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! Bang!

George Clooney: Ha! I knew you were going to double-cross me, so I rigged the gun to explode in your face!

Assassin Chick: Dies.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Bang!

George Clooney: Bang bang!

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dies.

- A Geological Epoch Later (Running Time) -

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: George Clooney! You’re here! Now we can be together forever!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Sorry, babe. This is a “serious and meditative” movie, which means it has to have a depressing ending. Dies.

– Movie Theaters Across The Nation – Five Months Ago –

The Trailer: Stallone. Statham. Li.

The Audience: Wow.

The Trailer: Lundgren. Couture. Austin.

The Audience: God damn.

The Trailer: Crews. Rourke.

The Audience: Holy shit.

The Trailer: With uncredited cameos by Willis…

The Audience: Jesus effing Christ.

The Trailer: And Schwarzenegger.

The Audience: Mangasm.

Read the rest of this entry »

– A Quick Glimpse Behind the Scenes –

Amber: Hey, do you guys want to go see Step Up 3D tonight? We totally know the hair dresser!

Thomas: Let me ask The Girlfriend. Hey, Girlfriend, do you want to go see Step Up 3D tonight?

AJ: Yes… but do you?

Thomas: Sure, I’m game.

Thomas: Is an idiot.

Read the rest of this entry »

Note: this movie is really good, and not as confusing as I’m making it out to be. But, well, I’ve been wanting to use this joke for a long time now, so…

Some Cool Stuff: Happens.

The Audience: WTF?

Some More Cool Stuff: Happens.

The Audience: WTF?

Even More Cool Stuff: Happens.

The Audience: WTF?

A Whole Bunch of Really Cool Stuff: Happens.

The Audience: WTF?

Christopher Nolan: Tada!

The Audience: Seriously. W. T. F.

The Producers: Nolan, this is a disaster! Everybody’s confused! They’re all going to tell their friends-

The Audience: My head hurts. We’re going to have to see this again just to figure out what the hell happened.

The Producers: Genius!

- A Few Thousand Feet in the Air -

Adrien Brody: Yawn. Wow, that was a good… nap… shit.

- One Parachute Deployment Later -

Adrien Brody: Wow, I sure am glad to be alive!

Russian Cannon Fodder: Points a gun at Adrien Brody.

Mexican Cannon Fodder: Points a gun at the Russian Cannon Fodder.

Hot Girl: Points a gun at the Mexcian Cannon Fodder.

Adrien Brody: Stop! We can’t fight each other! We have a common enemy!

Mexican Cannon Fodder: Yeah? Who?

Adrien Brody: …anyway, let’s go find the rest of our rag-tag bunch of victims soldiers!

- Elsewhere in the Jungle of Doom -

African Cannon Fodder and Serial Killer Cannon Fodder: Play a game of grab-ass.

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Is silent. But deadly.

Topher Grace: Um, guys? Can someone get me out of this tree? Anyone? Help? Please?

- Pred-O-Vision^TM -

The Predator: Stalks invisibly.

- Booby Traps ‘R’ Us -

The Entire Jungle: Has been turned into a deathtrap.

Hot Girl: Wait, this reminds me of a report I read, years ago, about a US Special Forces member who used trees and vines to create traps that his opponent couldn’t-

Adrien Brody: Hey, check out this US Special Forces guy! He’s got a hole where his chest used to be!

Hot Girl: Nevermind.

- 2010 Westminster Dog Show -

Hell-Dogs: Woof.

Millions of Rounds of Ammunition: Are fired.

Adrien Brody: Thank God we’re all safe!

Mexican Cannon Fodder: Could someone put my lungs back in please?

- The Cliffs of Insanity -

Hot Girl: Sure is wacky how this makeshift compass can’t seem to figure out which way is north, huh?

Adrien Brody: That’s all right, we’ll just head for high ground and then head toward the nearest-

The FX Department: Hey, check out this matte painting we did of a bunch of alien moons!

Adrien Brody: Shit.

- The Trail of Tears -

Adrien Brody: So, we’re trapped on an alien planet and being hunted for game. There’s only one thing to do…

Hot Girl: Follow the Hell-dogs’ tracks back to their base camp, and launch a surprise assault?

Adrien Brody: I was going to go with “use the cannon fodder as bait so I can figure out what’s trying to kill me”, but whatever you want to tell yourself, sweetheart.

- Predator HQ -

Classic Predator: Is trussed up and hanging from a totem pole.

Adrien Brody: Hey Russian guy, go poke that thing with a stick, would ya?

Russian Cannon Fodder: Da!

Classic Predator: Angryface.

Adrien Brody: Wait for it…

African Cannon Fodder: Dies.

Adrien Brody: That was so cool.

- RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN -

Plasma Casters: Pew pew pew!

Hot Girl: So, it sure was kind of a dick move how you hid behind that bush while… whatever that African guy’s name was… got murdered to death.

Adrien Brody: Oh yeah? Well it’s also kind of a dick move that you haven’t given us any exposition yet!

Hot Girl: …fine. Recaps the original Predator movie.

Everyone: Holy shit reptile hunter aliens with mandibles and space ships and ray guns and invisibility cloaks and wrist knives and skull collections we’re all gonna die shit!

- Later -

Adrien Brody: So, who wants to volunteer to be bait?

Topher Grace: …

Adrien Brody: Someone small, and fast…

Topher Grace: …

Adrien Brody: Someone that doesn’t have a gun…

Topher Grace: …

Adrien Brody: Thanks for volunteering, Topher! You run that way, and we’ll try to shoot the invisible death ray alien lizard before he rips your spine out, okay?

Topher Grace: This plan sucks.

- Morpheus’ Love Shack -

Morpheus: I’ve been here for seven years!

Morpheus: You idiot! It’s been ten years!

Morpheus: Oh right! Hey, did you know that Predators come in two kinds?

Morpheus: Yep! Classic Predators and Super Predators!

Morpheus: The Super Predators hunt in threes!

Morpheus: And the Classic Predators serve no point whatsoever!

Adrien Brody: So… that scene in the trailer, where I get lit up with like fifty million Predator aiming lasers?

Morpheus: Totally not in the movie!

Morpheus: Gotcha!

Everyone: Backs away slowly.

Adrien Brody: Say, if you’ve been living as a scavenger for the last decade, how come you’re so fat?

Morpheus: …you wanna light these asshole on fire?

Morpheus: Yep.

The Predator: Hey, what’s all this noise?

Morpheus: Dies

- The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Is On Fire -

Topher Grace: Help, I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!

Russian Cannon Fodder: Worry not, little man! I will save you!

Russian Cannon Fodder: Pulls a grenade.

Russian Cannon Fodder and a Predator: Die.

- Mountain, Top Of -

Serial Killer Cannon Fodder: Hey, these Predators are honorable, right? Like, they won’t kill a guy who isn’t armed?

Another Predator: Plasma caster!

Serial Killer Cannon Fodder: Oh. Dies.

Another Predator: Spine rip!

Hot Girl: That reminds me of a scene from the first movie, where the Predator ripped the spine out of a guy named Poncho!

- The Field of Wavy Grass -

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Well, we’re screwed. I think I’m going to face this alien lizard death ray guy head on, and at least die an honorable death.

Hot Girl: This reminds me of a scene from the first movie, where a guy named Billie took off most of his clothes and faced the Predator with nothing but a machete.

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Yeah? How’d that go?

Hot Girl: Death by Offscreen Scream.

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Bummer. Well, I have a katana, so the director is basically obligated to show me fighting.

Another Predator: Uncloaks.

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Bows ceremonially.

Six Foot Wrist Blades: Appear out of nowhere.

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Reconsiders this life decision.

Japenese Cannon Fodder and the Predator: Die.

- Back in the Jungle -

Topher Grace: Man, I sure am glad these Predators like a challenge, and wouldn’t resort to anything like putting a bear trap on this path!

A Bear Trap: Sproing!

Topher Grace: Sadface.

Adrien Brody: Man, that sucks. Well, good luck. I’m going to go steal a spaceship.

- Predator HQ -

Adrien Brody: I must find some way to communicate with this Predator that the other Predators tied to this totem pole! Thankfully I studied mime in college!

Adrien Brody: Makes a bunch of silly faces and wild gestures.

Classic Predator: Beep boop beep bop Earth hologram.

Adrien Brody: Score!

- The Pit of Despair -

Super Predator: Tosses Hot Girl and Topher Grace into a pit.

Hot Girl: Well, this sucks, but if we work together, I think we can escape.

Topher Grace: Well, that’s one option. Or… I could stab you with this neurotoxin, and then ramble on about how I’m a serially killer that finally feels at home here on this planet of killers.

Hot Girl: But then how will you escape from the pit?

Topher Grace: Crazy eyes!

- Predator HQ -

Classic Predator: Rawr!

Super Predator: Decapitate!

Adrien Brody: Sadface.

- The Pit of Despair -

Adrien Brody: Hey guys, turns out I have no way off this planet after all, so I came back here for company. Let me help you out of this pit.

Hot Girl: Nnn! Hish a srl klr!

Adrien Brody: What was that?

Topher Grace: I think she said “He’s seriously cool. Er.”

Adrien Brody: Oh, that’s funny. I thought she said “He’s a serial killer, and you should stab him a few times, then boobytrap his body so that it injures the Super Predator, giving you a reasonable chance of winning.”

Topher Grace: Sadface.

- Predator HQ -

Topher Grace: Bleeds quietly on the ground.

Super Predator: Nudge, nudge.

The Boobytraps: Go boom.

Topher Grace: Dies.

Adrien Brody: Covers himself in mud, and lights a bunch of fires

Hot Girl: This reminds me of a scene from the first movie, where a guy-

Adrien Brody: Enough, all right? We get it. This movie is one big homage to the original Predator. And how can you even talk? You’re paralyzed.

Hot Girl: Mrphl!

Super Predator: Rawr!

Adrien Brody: Decapitate!

- The Next Morning -

More Humans (and Hell-Dogs and Lizard People and Things): Fall from the sky.

Adrien Brody: Well. Let’s go find a way off of this planet.

Hot Girl: How are we going to do that?

Adrien Brody: I have no idea. I just wanted the camera to fade to black, so we could have sexy time now.

The Camera: Fades to black.

Note: this movie is really, really long, and I can’t guarantee that the scenes actually happened in the order in which they’re recapped. Actually, I’m pretty sure they’re not. -thomas

-Seattle: Dockside of Doom-

Riley Biers: OMG WTF I thought vampires were all sparkly and fuzzy and nice!?!

David Slade: Hi, I’m David Slade. You might know me from Thirty Days of Night, the movie about vampires that are actually, well, vampires. I’m directing this little gig, and I have a… slightly different interpretation of Myer’s sparklepires.

Riley Biers: …help.

Victoria: Nom Nom Nom!

-Forks: Meadow of Sparkling Delights-

Bella Swan: OMG I’m going to be nineteen soon! I don’t wanna get old!

Edward Cullen: B-

Half of the Audience: Orgasms simultaneously.

Edward Cullen: Ahem. Bella, we’ve talked about this. I can’t inject you with my… venom until we’re properly married.

Bella Swan: Pout.

-Forks: The Lost Woods-

The Cullen Clan: Wait, we get to do actual vampire type stuff? Like wear black, and run around at night, and try to kill things?

David Slade: That’s right! And if you’re good, I’ll talk to the FX department, and maybe they can even make your teeth look a little sharper. I mean, we can’t have actual fangs, but I’ll see what I can do.

The Cullen Clan: Best. Director. Ever.

Victoria: Hi Cullens! I’m in The Lost Woods, for no discernible reason whatsoever!

The Cullen Clan: Give chase.

The Wolf Pack: Give chase.

The Cullen Clan and The Wolf Pack: Tense standoff.

-Forks: Swan Penitentiary-

Bella Swan: Hi Dad! I’m home at 4pm sharp, just like the terms of my probation say!

Charlie Swan: Bella, you know why you’re grounded, right?

Bella Swan: Because I went into a clinical depression over a boy I’d known for five months, started taking a series of increasingly suicidal risks, and ran off to Italy without telling you?

Charlie Swan: Well, yes, but mostly because I’m Team Jacob.

Team Jacob: Yay!

-Forks: Bella’s Bordello-

Bella Swan: Hi Jacob, it’s me, Bella. I’m calling because Charlie said I have to hang out with my other friends if I’m going to be allowed to see Edward, and you’ve always been really good about doing exactly what I want without ever getting anything in return. Call me!

-Seattle: Dockside of Doom-

Newborn Vampire One: Wheee! I can flip over a car!

Newborn Vampire Two: Whooo! I can tear people limb from limb!

Newborn Vampire Two: Nom! I’m going to eat a baby!

Riley Biers: …what did I tell you about being subtle?

Bree Tanner: I sure hope these idiots don’t get me killed.

Big Volturi Thug: So we’re going to use these newborn vampires to wipe out the Cullens, and convince Edward and Alice to join us?

Jane: Mind pain. No, you idiot. If we decided to do that, Alice would see our future, and they’d stop us. Instead, we’ll spin this Wheel of Plot Points and let fate take it’s course!

Big Volturi Thug: But… that wheel has 99 spaces that say “use these newborn vampires to wipe out the Cullens, and convince Edward and Alice to join us,” and one space that says “do it anyway.”

Jane: …Shut up.

-Forks: 90210-

Edward Cullen: Bella, if I asked you to stay in the car, would you?

Bella Swan: Rushes out of the car.

Jacob “Abs” Black: B-

The Other Half of the Audience: Orgasms simultaneously.

Jacob “Abs” Black: Anyway. Bella, I got your phone call, and since I have no respect for myself, I came here to talk.

Bella Swan: Yay!

Edward Cullen: Brood!

Jacob “Abs” Black: Oh, and by the way, if you Cullens ever come onto Wolf Pack land again, we’re rip your sparkly asses into pieces.

Bella Swan: Wait, why were you on the reservation?

Edward Cullen: <brood>We were just chasing down vcrta.</brood>

Bella Swan: Wait, what was that?

Edward Cullen: Victoria, all right?!? I didn’t want you to know that she was back, because keeping you ignorant of the threats you face is clearly the best way to protect you! Egads, woman, why is that so hard for you to understand?

Bella Swan: O…kay. Let’s skip class!

Jacob “Abs” Black: Hop on the bike, babe!

Edward Cullen: Brood!

Jacob “Abs” Black abd Bella Swan: Ride away.

Edward Cullen: Brood!

-La Push: Wolfpack HQ-

Leah Clearwater: Hi Bella! Eff you!

Bella Swan: Wait… that didn’t sound like instant, complete adoration. Now I’m confused.

Jacob “Abs” Black: Oh, don’t mind her. She’s upset that her papa died hunting Victoria, which was kind of your fault. Also, her lover left her because he imprinted on another girl. Also also, she’s a wolf now.

Bella Swan: Imprinted?

Jacob “Abs” Black: It’s this thing we wolves do, where we see a girl, and we just know she’s the one, and then we obsessively hound her until she admits that she loves us, too.

Bella Swan: …hot.

Jacob “Abs” Black: Also, I really don’t like the idea of you becoming a vampire. So much so that I think you’d be better off dead.

Bella Swan: Backs away slowly.

The Quileute Council: Hi Bella! Did you know that they only way a girl can help in a fight between werewolves and vampires is to stab herself, so that her blood distracts the vampire? Bet that won’t be important later!

-Forks: Log Cabin of Justice-

Bella Swan: Hi daddy! Ready for dinner?

Charlie Swan: Sure am! But…he’s not coming with us, is he?

Edward Cullen: Don’t be silly, Chief Swan. The only think I want to eat is your daughter. Wait, that didn’t come out right… Anyway, Bella, don’t you think it’s time you used that plane ticket we bought you to go visit your mother?

Bella Swan: No, I’m pretty happy right here, actually.

Edward Cullen: You know, before graduation?

Bella Swan: Nah, I’m good.

Edward Cullen: Before graduation, after which we’re getting married, and I’ll be turning you into a vampire, and you’ll never see your family again?

Bella Swan: Oh, right! Yeah, let’s do that.

-Somewhere in Florida-

Bella Swan’s Mom: Hi guys! I’m just meeting my contractual obligation to be in this movie! Here’s a quilt!

-Forks: Swan Penitentiary-

Riley Biers: Let’s see… I need something with Bella’s delicious, delicious scent. I’ll just rifle through her underwear… oh, hey, she left a blouse hung over her chair. That’ll do! Goodnight Charlie!

Charlie Swan: Snore.

-Fifteen Seconds Later-

Bella Swan: Hi dad!

Charlie Swan: Bella, you’re late…

Bella Swan: I was with Jacob!

Charlie Swan: Well all right then!

Edward Cullen: Knock knock.

Charlie Swan: …goddammit. I’ll be up in my room.

Edward Cullen: Bella! Something’s wrong! I smell-

Bella Swan: Wet dog. I know, I know.

Edward Cullen: No! I smell… scented detergent! I know we’ve talked about this! It’s too abrasive to your delicate skin, and masks your natural, heavenly scent! Also, there was a vampire in your bedroom.

-Forks: Castle Cullen-

Edward Cullen: Seriously! I think she was using Tide or something! Alice, was there nothing you can do? Could you not foresee the harsh chemicals tainting her soft, warm skin? Oh, and there was a vampire in her bedroom. Other than me.

Carlisle Cullen: Hmm. A local youth has gone missing, people are being slaughtered by the dozens in Seattle, apparently the work of a young vampire army, and someone was sneaking around in Bella’s bedroom. Could this be the work of Victoria, whose lover we destroyed in the first movie, and who has sworn revenge upon us all? And who was running around in our backyard, like, three scenes ago?

Edward Cullen: Haha, heavens no! These events must be totally unrelated.

Carlisle Cullen: Yeah, you’re probably right. Anyway, we better leave Bella with the wolves while we go hunting in the woods.

-Later That Night-

Bella Swan: Rosalie, why do you hate me so much?

Rosalie Hale: I don’t hate you Bella, I’m jealous of you, because you can have babies like a real woman, and I can’t. Also, my fiance and his friends raped me to death, but it’s cool, because Carlisle turned me into a vampire, and I murdered them all in my wedding dress.

Bella Swan: …okay then.

-Forks: The Neutral Zone-

Jacob “Abs” Black: Hi Bella!

Edward Cullen: Do you even own a shirt?

Jacob “Abs” Black: Nope! Come on, Bella, let’s get you to my bed house!

Edward Cullen: Brood!

-La Push: Wolfpack HQ-

Jacob “Abs” Black: Well, I’ve figured out how to make you admit that you love me: Smootch!

Bella Swan: Um, no.

Jacob “Abs” Black: Um, yes. Forced smootch!

Bella Swan: Facepunch!

Bella Swan’s Hand: Breaks.

-Forks: Swan Penitentiary-

Edward Cullen: Edward angry! Angry vampire smash stupid dog boy!

Jacob “Abs” Black: :-p

Charlie Swan: Okay, hold on there. What’s the problem.

Edward Cullen: Constipated stare.

Jacob “Abs” Black: I… sort of kissed your daughter.

Charlie Swan: …

Jacob “Abs” Black: And she punched me in the face.

Charlie Swan: …

Jacob “Abs” Black: And broke her hand.

Charlie Swan: …

Jacob “Abs” Black: On my face.

-The Next Morning-

Charlie Swan: So, Bella, I just wanted to be sure you were being careful…

Bella Swan: Oh, it’s cool, I still have that pepper spray you gave me.

Charlie Swan: No, I mean, in a… wink, wink, nudge, nudge kind of way…

Bella Swan: OMG I am so embarrassed! Also, Edward is…

Charlie Swan: Gay?

Bella Swan: Old fashioned!

Charlie Swan: …is that one of those crazy code words you kids use these days?

Bella Swan: I’m a virgin!

Charlie Swan: Huh. Maybe Edward isn’t so bad after all.

-Ten Minutes Later-

Alice Cullen: B-

Thomas: Squee!

Alice Cullen: Right. Bella, were all going hunting, so you and Edward will have Castle Cullen all to yourselves tonight. You’re welcome!

-Forks: Castle Cullen-

Bella Swan: Sexy time now?

Edward Cullen: Wedding time first?

Bella Swan: Oh fine! How I found the only vampire in the world that continually cock blocks himself, I’ll never know.

Edward Cullen: We’re getting married! We’re getting married! We’re getting married! </sing-song>

Bella Swan’s Engagement Ring: Is bigger than her fist.

-Forks: 90210-

Alice Cullen: I-

Thomas: Squee!

Alice Cullen: …I’m throwing a graduation party! The entire world is invited!

Edward Cullen: Yeah, that went really well, the last time you tried it.

Bella Swan: …please don’t run away to Italy and attempt sparkleside.

-Forks: Castle Cullen-

Bella’s Unimportant Human Friend: Hi Bella!

Bella’s Other Unimportant Human Friend: Hi Bella! Hey, I love this song!

Bella’s Unimportant Human Friend: Really? What is it?

Bella’s Other Unimportant Human Friend: It’s Your Five Minutes Of Screen Time Are Up, by The Main Characters! Let’s go dance!

Alice Cullen: My-

Thomas: Squee!

Alice Cullen: Really? Do you have to do that ever time I come on screen? You’re worse than Edward. Anyway, my Powers of Plot Convenience have finally figured out Victoria’s plan. She’s got an army of super-powerful newborns, they’re tracking Bella’s scent, and they may or may not be working for the Volturi.

Edward Cullen: What part of that didn’t we know?

Alice Cullen: I’m psychic!

-Forks: The Neutral Zone-

A Training Montage: Happens.

Jasper Hale: I’m the tactician!

Emmet Cullen: I’m the strong one!

Edward Cullen: I can hear your thoughts!

Alice Cullen: …

Thomas: No, it’s okay, go ahead. I’m good.

Alice Cullen: Thank god. Anyway, I know what you’re going to do before you do!

The Rest of the Cullens: We have the power of being important cast members!

The Wolf Pack: We’re furry!

-Later That Day-

Bella Swan: Jasper, why do you know so much about newborn vampires?

Jasper Hale: Well, ma’am, back when I was a confederate soldier, fighting for our god-given right to own black people, I stumbled upon a trio of vampire women, one of whom used me to lead her army of newborn vampires during territory disputes. Also, she had me kill them all when they weren’t useful anymore.

Alice Cullen: That’s my baby! Smootch!

-Forks: Bella’s Mountain Retreat-

Jacob “Abs” Black: So you’re sure Bella will be safe here?

Edward Cullen: Positive. Your… scent… masks hers, so there’s no way Victoria could follow you.

Jacob “Abs” Black: What about your scent?

Edward Cullen: I’m positive that won’t be an issue.

Bella Swan: Wow, it sure is a nice day today.

Furious Storm of Fury:

Bella Swan: Sadface, shiver.

Edward Cullen: Oh my Bella, if only my cursed condition did not prevent me from warming you with my own body!

Jacob “Abs” Black: I can help with that! After all, I am… hotter than you. </smug>

Edward Cullen: Grumble murmur brood.

Bella Swan: Oh thank god you’re warm come closer mmmm.

Jacob “Abs” Black: You know, you’d warm up faster if you took your clothes off.

Edward Cullen: Brewing rage!

Jacob “Abs” Black: What? It’s survival one oh one!

-A Few Hours Later-

Bella Swan: Sleep warmly in Jacob’s embrace.

Edward Cullen: You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that you’re trying to sleep with my girlfriend, I’d kind of like you.

Jacob “Abs” Black: Thanks man. If it wasn’t for the fact that you’re a blood sucking leach that’s going to murder the girl I love and turn her into a marble statue, I’d… well, I’d still hate you.

Edward Cullen: Well all right then.

-The Next Morning-

Jacob “Abs” Black: Hey guys, I’m going to go mark my territory. I’ll be back in a bit.

Edward Cullen: Bella, I just wanted to thank you for agreeing to marry me. I can’t wait until we’re married. Which will be right after the wedding. Which we are going to have. Mrs. Cullen.

Jacob “Abs” Black: OMG WTF?!?

Bella Swan: You did that on purpose! I told you I wanted to break it to him gently!

Edward Cullen: Well, yeah. I’m an evil, manipulative douche with control and boundary issues.

Jacob “Abs” Black: Bella, think this through:

• I respect you as a person. I let you make your own choices, and support you in your decisions. Edward takes the spark plugs out of your truck when he doesn’t like who you’re hanging out with.
• I’m honest with you. I’ve always told you the truth about how I feel, and about the danger you’re in. Edward goes out of his way to keep you in the dark.
• I’ve never betrayed you. Edward told you he never loved you, that you weren’t good for him, and ran off to Italy, leaving you in a clinical, suicidal depression.
• I’m alive. And I don’t plan on dying any time soon. Edward plans to actually murder you, and turn you into one of the immortal damned.
• Your family loves me. If you’re with Edward, you’re never going to see your family again.
• Hello, have you seen my abs? How is it that you haven’t already torn off what little clothing I wear?

In conclusion, I’m be the sane, logical choice. And you know that you love me. You’ve said so yourself.

Team Jacob: Yeah! Whoo! You tell her!

Stephanie Myer: Ahem, excuse me. As the author of this saga, I feel it is my duty to inform you, Team Jacob, that you are wrong, and your opinion is invalid. Jacob is not the one for Bella, because he is not Edward. Jacob, come here a minute.

Stephanie Myer and Jacob “Abs” Black: Speak in hushed tones, off to the side.

Jacob “Abs” Black: Wait, what? You want me to say what? Seriously?

Stephanie Myer: Hands on hips, stern look.

Jacob “Abs” Black: Okay, fine. Wait, let me get into “character.”

Jacob “Abs” Black: Douche Mode Powers activate!

Jacob “Douche Mode” Black: Bella, I know that you love me, and I’m going to prove it to you. Unless you ask me to kiss you, I’m going back to the Meadow of Reckoning, and I’m going to make sure that vampire babies kill me. That’s the choice I’m giving you: kiss me, or I suicide.

Stephanie Myer: Character assassination powers activated!

Bella Swan: All right, Jacob! Reluctant smootch! Hey, waitaminute… Smootch. Mmmmm…. Smootch!

Jacob “Douche Mode” Black: It figures. For three books, I’m the nice, hot boy from the res, and I get nothing. Myer turns me into a raging asshat, and suddenly Bella’s in love with me. You know what? You’re broke in the head, Bella. Anyway, I’m going to go eat some sparklepires. Catch you later.

-Forks: The Meadow of Reckoning-

The Cullen Clan: Do we get to be awesome in this scene again?

David Slade: Yep!

The Cullen Clan: We <3 you. Seriously. We’ve spent the last two movies doing everything possible to convince the audience that we aren’t actually vampires, and now we get to do this:

The Newborn Vampire Army: Attack the Cullens, and get smashed like brittle stone for their troubles. And it is awesome.

David Slade: You’re welcome!

The Wolf Pack: Woof.

-Forks: Bella’s Mountain Retreat-

Riley Biers: Hi Edward! I’m here to kill Bella! Thanks for leaving a nice, thick scent trail for us to follow!

Edward Cullen: …Goddammit. Riley, Victoria doesn’t love you! She’s just using you to get revenge for her lover, who we killed in the first movie!

Victoria: He’s lying. Really. I love you. Cross my heart and hope to…

Seth “Wolf Mode” Clearwater: Nom nom nom!

Victoria: Eh, whatever. Hi Bella! Hope you like dying!

Bella Swan: Wait, remember this part! Cuts her wrists with a stone.

Edward Cullen: Hey, Victoria, you know how I can read minds, and see what you’re going to do before you do it? Well, it helps me do things like this: Dodge, jump, parry, dodge, jump, chokehold, head rip!

Victoria: Dies.

Edward Cullen: Well, let’s get back to the Meadow of Reckoning. Oh, but first, let’s burn Victoria’s body. Good thing she’s dressed in gasoline-soaked rags!

-Forks: The Meadow of Reckoning-

Bree Tanner: Hides.

Cannon Fodder Vampire: Sparkle rush!

Leah Clearwater: I got this!

Leah Clearwater: Doesn’t have that.

Jacob “Wolf Mode” Black: Great, another woman that needs a man to save her. Let me hop on this.

Cannon Fodder Vampire: Smashes Jacob “Wolf Mode” Black’s ribs. And shoulders. And legs. And, well, pretty much everything.

Jacob “Wolf Mode” Black: Ow.

The Wolf Pack: Eat the Cannon Fodder Vampire.

Carlisle Cullen: Wow, that’s a nasty injury. Tell you what, take him back to the res, and I’ll be over to re-break every bone in his body, right after I get done with Dakota Fanning. Who is so creepy, am I right?

The Wolf Pack: Woof.

Bella Swan: Jake!

Jacob “Abs” Black: Hi Bella! I’m naked! Also: severely injured!

Jane: Hi… Cullens? Wow, I’ve never seen a clan survive an attack by so many newborns. Newborns with which we are in no way connected, of course.

Carlisle Cullen: Yeah, it’s a pity you didn’t get here earlier. You could have helped in the fight. Helped us, of course, because you are in no way connected with the newborn army.

Jane: Yeah, shame that. Hey, look, you missed one.

Bree Tanner: Cowers.

Jane: Big Volturi dude? Could you?

Big Volturi Dude: Could.

Bree Tanner: Dies.

Stephanie Myer: Hey, that gives me an idea for another hundred and fifty pages of nonsense!

The Publishers: Oh please oh please oh please…

Stephanie Myer: The proceeds of which I will donate to charity!

The Publishers: Goddammit.

-La Push: Wolfpack HQ-

Carlisle Cullen: Snap. Break. Reset.

Jacob “Abs” Black: Ow. Ow. Owowowowow! Whimper.

Billy Black: Thanks, Carlisle. Your service to my boy has taught me a valuable lesson: the (Very) White (and Cold) Man and the Red Man can live in harmony!

Carlisle Cullen and Billy Black: Respect knuckles.

Bella Swan: Jacob, thanks for breaking every bone in your body for me. It’s too bad we can’t be friends after Edward and I get married, and he murders me into the family.

Jacob “Abs” Black: Actually, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve decided that as long as you wear really strong perfume after you become a vampire, we can still hang.

Bella Swan: That’s awesome! And don’t worry… if a few weeks I’ll have a daughter for you to go all pedo on!

Jacob “Abs” Black: Score!

-Forks: Meadow of Sparkling Delights-

Edward Cullen: Well, I sure am glad that’s over! Now all we have to do is get married!

Bella Swan: And have sexy time!

Edward Cullen: And a spine breaking freakishly mature growth spirt damphire baby!

Bella Swan: Wait, what?

Spoilers!

Leonardo DeCaprio: Sees dead people.

I finally broke down and created a category for all of my Twilight related posts. Out of all of them, the two you’re probably most interested in are the Twilight: the Movie recap (which I really need to reformat; I hadn’t quite hit on the distilled layout when I wrote that), and the Twilight: New Moon recap, which my server logs tell me is the reason a bunch of you are here anyway. Welcome aboard!

You can also look through my Vampire Diaries: Season One recaps, which my server logs tell me is the reason most of the rest of you are here. Welcome to you, too! I’m going to finish out Season One, and when Season Two comes along, it’ll get its own category.

In non-Thomas related news, if you’re looking for another Twilight fix, I can’t recommend Cleolinda Jones’ recaps strongly enough: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn Part I, Breaking Dawn Part II, Breaking Dawn Part III, Midnight Sun I, Midnight Sun II, Twilight in Fifteen Minutes, New Moon in Fifteen Minutes. Whew.

I’m also a fan of Mark Reads Twilight, and while his recaps aren’t as good-natured as Cleo’s, I get a real kick out of them. He’s reviewed the entire published series, and is working on Midnight Sun right now.

A Quick Glimpse Behind the Scenes

Peter Schink: Reads Baby’s First Screenplay, does a line of coke. Whoo! I wrote a movie!

Scott Stewart: Does a line of coke Whoo! Daddy bought me a video camera! Let’s do this thing!

The Entire Cast: Whatever. We need the paychecks. Do lines of coke.

- Los Angeles, California -

The Directors: Get it, huh, get it? Los Angeles? The City of Angels?

Thomas: Oh god, this is going to be one of those movies, isn’t it?

The Directors: Yep!

The Archangel Michael: Well, I’ve been following The Big Guy for like six thousand years now, and I know he’s omnipotent and omniscient and not at all fond of it when His angels rebel (cough Satan cough), but I’m pretty sure I know better than Him this time around. I’m going to give Him what He needs, not what He wants!

The Archangel Michael: Rebells against heaven, falls to earth, shows off his magic angel language tattoos, cuts off his wings with his Enocian Vorpal Bowie Knife.

Thomas: Wait, why did he cut his wings off?

The Directors: Dude, angel wing special effects are expensive.

Thomas: Oh god, this is going to be one of those movies, isn’t it?

The Directors: Yep!

- Happy Time Toys and Imports -

The Archangel Michael: Well, now that I’m newly wingless, I better stock up on weapons! I know, I’ll break into this toy store, assault this guard for no reason, and steal the toy store’s enormous cache of weapons!

Thomas: Really. This is what happens.

The Archangel Michael: Time to make my escape! I know, I’ll blow a cross-shaped hole in the wall with the magic Angel powers I will never again display, kill a couple of cops, and steal their car! I’m the good guy!

- Nowhere, Middle Of -

Charlie: I’m pregnant!

Jeep: :-)

Charlie: The baby’s not yours!

Jeep: :-(

Charlie: Actually, I don’t know who got me pregnant, but is sure wasn’t God! nervous laugh

Jeep: 0_o

- The Most Important Diner in the World -

Grumpy Diner Owner: I’m grumpy!

The Guy Who’s Going to Die Soon: I’m trapped in a loveless marriage!

The Wife That’s Never Happy: I’m never happy!

Their Slutty Daughter: I’m slutty!

Black Guy One: I have a hook for a hand! That’s like character development!

Black Guy Two: I have a gun! Just like all black people!

Evil Grandma: I’m a demon angel! fangs!

The Guy Who’s Going to Die Soon: dies

Black Guy One: Shoot her! Shoot her!

Jeep: I can’t!

Black Guy Two: This looks like a job for Token Minority Man! Busts a cap, yo.

- The Most Important Diner in the World (Exterior) -

The Archangel Michael: Hi, guys! Did you ever hear the one about the time God lost faith in humanity and sent a legion of angels to wipe out the entire human race, and it was up to one rebellious angel with a heart of gold to save the world?

The Entire Cast: 0_o

The Archangel Michael: Because that’s totally what’s happening right now. Oh, and your baby is like Jesus 2.0 or something. Yeah, the Second Coming. That’s it.

Thomas: That’s… not how the Second Coming is supposed to happen…

The Archangel Michael: It’s the Second Coming!

Thomas: Ooooookay then. Backs away slowly.

- The Most Important Diner in the World -

All of the Awesome Action Scenes and Deep Theological Ideas That Could Be Explored In A Movie About A Fallen Angel With A Heart of Gold Battling Demons Other Angels: Happen in a different movie.

All of the Boring Stuff That’s Supposed to Make Us Care About These People, But Doesn’t: Takes up half of the running time.

The Archangel Michael: Broods.

- The Most Important Diner in the World (Night) -

A Horde of Zombies Demons People Possessed by Angels: Grr, we are attacking.

The Archangel Michael: Shoots them.

A Horde of Zombies Demons People Possessed by Angels: Okay, we give up.

- The Most Important Diner in the World (Morning) -

The Guy Who’s Going to Die Soon: Hey, it turns out I’m not dead! I’ve actually been crucified upside down, right outside The Most Important Diner in the World, which is in no way a trap!

Thomas: Really? You’re crucifying people upside down? And you’re on God’s side?

The Wife That’s Never Happy: Oh no, the husband I do not love! I must rescue him!

Black Guy One: No! All of the minorities must die first! Runs outside, dies.

- The Most Important Diner in the World (Exterior, Night) -

Black Guy Two: So you load the bullets in here, and this is the safety…

Slutty Daughter: Please. I dated a Marine over the summer. I know my way around his gun.

Thomas: Cough.

A Hapless Family: Is beset by the Horde of Whatever They Are.

Black Guy Two: I’ll save you! Runs outside, dies.

Slutty Daughter: Oh no! I’ll save you! Runs outside, is white, doesn’t die.

The Archangel Michael: Lock and load, baby! Walks outside with an entire arsenal, fires three shots, and proceeds to fight the rest of the Horde of Whatever with his fists.

- The Most Important Diner in the World (Interior) -

Charlie: Has the quickest delivery in history.

Jesus 2.0: Is born. Again. </pun>

The Archangel Michael: Don’t worry, the Horde of Whatever can’t come near the baby.

Thomas: So they were sent to… what? Look on disapprovingly?

The Archangel Michael: Anyway, go ahead out the back, they won’t bother you. Find the prophets!

Thomas: The prophets? You mean the guys who hear the voice of God? The same God that wants everyone to die? Those prophets?

The Archangel Michael: Anyway, you guys take off, and I’ll stay here and fight The Archangel Gabriel.

The Archangel Gabriel : Thundering trumpet blow!

The Archangel Michael: He does that every time you say his name. Facepalm.

- The Most Important Diner in the World (Exterior) -

The Horde of Whatever: Looks on disapprovingly.

Creepy Little Girl Covered in Blood with a Grocery Bag Over Her Head: Hey, I just wandered in from Silent Hill, and they said they needed extras, so…

Jeep and Charlie: Escape.

- The Most Important Diner in the World (Interior) -

The Archangel Gabriel : Has bulletproof wings made out of razor blades, a fifty pound mace with extendo-spikes that also turns into a buzz saw, and magic angel powers.

The Archangel Michael: Has one torn t-shirt, two days of stubble, and three rounds left in his gun.

This Fight: Goes about the way you would expect.

The Archangel Michael: Dies.

- Nowhere, Middle Of -

Jeep: Hey, look, I have magic angel language tattoos now!

Charlie: Wow, you’re all rebellious and angelic now!

Jeep: Hey, let’s climb this mountain!

The Archangel Gabriel : Haha! I have you now! Give me the child, or you die!

Charlie: And if I do give you the child?

The Archangel Gabriel : Well, God’s going to kill you anyway.

The Archangel Michael: No! I am back, and my rebellion, coupled with my selfless sacrifice, and the writer’s desperate need to force a happy ending, have convinced God of the error of His ways! Humanity is saved!

The Archangel Gabriel : Flies away in an emo funk.

The Archangel Michael: Take care, my human friends! Raise this child well, for He will lead humanity out of the apocalypse… that we… just averted… and… hey, look over there! Flies away.

Jeep: Hey, let’s climb back down this mountain!

Charlie: Facepalm.

- In Summary -

Legion was a much better movie when it was called The Prophecy and starred Christopher Walken and had some semblance of a plot and/or internal consistency.

Spoilers abound, be ye wary

The War: tears a hole in the sky.

Society: doesn’t deal with this so well.

—

Denzel Washington: dresses in a camo NBC suit, uses a human corpse as bait, snipes a cat with a longbow, steals the boots of a(nother) corpse, feeds a rat, does his devotionals, and rocks out to his iPod. As holy men are wont to do.

—

Skanky Post Apocalyptic Ho: Help me, oh help me, my shopping cart hath lost its wheel!

Denzel Washington: sniff, sniff Is that a roving band of thugs I smell?

Roving Band of Thugs: Uh, no?

Denzel Washington: steps into the shadows. Come get some.

God: Psst, Denzel… Thrust, dodge, swipe, parry, duck, slice, cut!

The Battle: is fought in silhouette.

Roving Band of Thugs: die.

Thomas: That. Was. Awesome.

King Thug of Gangster Mountain: You cut off my hand. sadface

Denzel Washington: prays for him, stabs him in the gut. As holy men are wont to do.

Skanky Post Apocalyptic Ho: Um, want so company?

Denzel Washington: I’m thinking no.

—

Denzel Washington: Fix my iPod?

The Mechanic: It’ll cost.

Denzel Washington: Handi-Wipes from KFC?

The Mechanic: Sold.

—

Post Apocalyptic Bartender: What’ll it be?

Denzel Washington: Water. Straight up.

Post Apocalyptic Rape Gang Leader Guy: Blah blah, lame excuse to start a fight.

Denzel Washington: curbstomp!

Post Apocalyptic Rape Gang: We are not fans of this development.

Denzel Washington: Feel free to register your complaints with my machete.

God: Psst, Denzel… Duck, slice, stab, block, skewer, hack, parry, slash, thrust, axe murder!

The Girl Sitting Next to Me: Wait, where did he get an axe?

Thomas: Just roll with it.

The Girl Sitting Next to Me: O….kay?

Post Apocalyptic Rape Gang: dies.

Commissioner Gordon: Bring him to me.

—

Denzel Washington: What’s up?

Commissioner Gordon: So, murder is my business, and business if good. Want a job?

Denzel Washington: No thanks. Peace out!

Commissioner Gordon: Well then. You leave me no choice but to make you an offer… you cannot refuse.

Lumbering Bald Thug: You gonna hurt him, boss?

Commissioner Gordon: What? No. No, I’m going to offer him food, water, and that chick from That Seventies Show.

Lumbering Bald Thug: Ooh, diabolical.

—

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Hey, I brought you food and water. And me.

Denzel Washington: Thanks, but I’ve already got food and water.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Okay, look, the food and water was a ruse. I’m here to wink wink and nudge nudge.

God: NO.

Denzel Washington: sadface

That Chick from That Seventies Show: tummy rumble. So, about that food?

Denzel Washington: Sure, plenty to share, but we have to say grace first. “Dear Lord, thank you for making this crapsack world a little less crapsack, what with the canteen of clean water, this Twinkie which we are about to enjoy, and the company of hot chick from That Seventies Show that you won’t let me touch. Amen.”

That Chick from That Seventies Show: 0_o

—

Post Apocalyptic Blind Mother: Hey honey, breakfast?

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Sure, but we have to say grace first.

Commissioner Gordon: Denzel Washington taught you to say grace? Did he, perhaps, have a… book?

That Chick from That Seventies Show: I, um, er…

Commissioner Gordon: hair grab!

Post Apocalyptic Blind Mother: Ow ow ow ow ow!

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Yes he had a book yes it had a thingy on the cover like this! makes a cross with her fingers

Commissioner Gordon: Excellent </mr-burns>

—

Commissioner Gordon: So, I’ve decided that it would be much easier to control the hapless masses if I had a book that tells people that God is on my side and they have to do everything I say. Gimme.

God: Why do people keep doing that? facepalm

The Catholic Church: Hey, that was our idea first!

Denzel Washington: Screw this. Peace out, yo.

Commissioner Gordon: Huh. So, kill him.

God: Psst, Denzel… Snipe snipe snipe, dodge, snipe snipe, duck, snipe snipe snipe!

Commissioner Gordon: That, I did not see coming.

—

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Hey, can I come with?

Denzel Washington: No.

Another Post Apocalyptic Rape Gang: You can come with us!

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Help help help!

God: Psst, Denzel… Wait for it… wait for it… Arrow to the groin! Arrow to the throat!

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Thank you thank you thank you!

Denzel Washington: Whatever.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Can you teach me to read?

Denzel Washington: No.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Can I see that book everybody’s killing each other for?

Denzel Washington: chambers a round in his shotgun. NO.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Woah. Tell me a story?

Denzel Washington: Sure. Once upon a time the world wasn’t a crapsack. People had too much to eat, and bathed regularly. Then we went to war, and, well, look around. People blamed religion, and started burning Bibles. God spoke to me, and led me to the last copy on earth. He told me to take it out West, where it would be loved and protected and never, ever used to gain political power over suffering, superstitious people. I’ve been walking for thirty years, and by the grace of God, I’ve murdered everyone that gets in my way.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Wow. Your stories suck.

Denzel Washington: …Shut up.

—

Cute Old Cannibal Couple: Hi there! Hungry?

Denzel Washington: Um, no.

Commissioner Gordon’s Road Warriors: roll on in

Cute Old Cannibal Couple: has an arsenal that would make an NRA member blush.

Commissioner Gordon’s Road Warriors: has an arsenal that would make a small nation’s military blush.

Cute Cannibal Couple: dies

Commissioner Gordon: So, gimme the book, or you die.

Denzel Washington: stoic face

Commissioner Gordon: So, gimme the book, or that chick from That Seventies Show dies.

Denzel Washington: sadface

Commissioner Gordon: shoots Denzel Washington

Denzel Washington: really. sad. face.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Nooooo! </vader>

God: Wait, did I miss something? I was helping some woman in Winnipeg find her keys. What’s… going… Oh, crap.

—

That Chick from That Seventies Show: murders her captives in convincingly brutal fashion.

The Torch: is making a “pass me! pass me!” style motion.

—

That Chick from That Seventies Show: steals a car, finds Denzel Washington wandering in a vaguely-Westward direction. Need a lift?

Denzel Washington: Wow, this is way easier than walking cross-country.

—

Denzel Washington: sniff, sniff Hey, do you smell that? It smells like victory. Hey, Alcatraz Press! I’ve got a Bible for you to publish!

—

Commissioner Gordon: Finally, the book is mine! And with it, I shall… wait, it’s in braille? Nooooo! </vader>

Denzel Washington: Oh, did I forget to mention that I’m blind? Yeah, totally blind. Can’t see a thing.

Thomas: Wait, what?

Denzel Washington: Also, by “I’ve got a Bible,” I of course mean “I’ve read it so often that I have it memorized, from cover to cover.” Yes, even the begats.

Thomas: Woah there, don’t change the subject. You’ve been walking across the country, fighting gangs of mutant rape thieves and sniping people from like a hundred yards away, and now you’re blind?

Denzel Washington: Yep, blind as a bat. So…

Thomas: No, wait, you mean I’m supposed to believe that you, the guy who can shoot a bird out of the air, out snipe a rifleman with a pistol, and walk across an entire continent without tripping once, is blind?

Denzel Washington: Anyway, I obviously can’t write out the Bible by myself, since I’m totally and not at all arbitrarily blind. Anybody got a pen?

Donald Sutherland: Boy, do I!

Denzel Washington: deep breath. “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth…”

Donald Sutherland: scribble scribble scribble

A Presumably Very Long Period of Time: passes

Thousands and Thousands of Trees: die

Denzel Washington: “…The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.” dies

That Chick from That Seventies Show: mourns

The New King James Version: is published.

—

Donald Sutherland: So, you’re totally welcome to stay here with us, where we have clean water, abundant food, and a significant lack of rape gangs.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: No, my destiny is clear. I must dress up like Denzel Washington, take up his machete, plug in his iPod, and walk into the post apocalyptic wilderness.

Thomas: Wait, why? Did you have a vision from God? Are you supposed to spread his word, or free the slaves, or something?

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Well, no, I… er… I… look, it’s cute when I pretend to be all tough, and I look hot in olive green capris, okay?

Thomas: No, hey, whatever floats your boat. Don’t let me stop you.

—

In Summary: in The Book of Denzel Washington, an occasionally interventionist God gives a blind preacher with a photographic (tactile) memory Daredevil’s superpowers in order to protect a book that was almost lost in the nuclear war that God couldn’t be bothered to avert, the end.