This week’s edition of links comes a bit early, since I expect to be cut off from civilization all weekend, doing the final edits on my manuscript. Read on for news on Apple, Batman, realistic lightsabers, the obligatory vampires, Steampunk Optimus Prime, and more!
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This week’s collection of links brings you a new Vampire Diaries trailer, the award for Sexiest Vampire, the science of zombie outbreaks, armored felines, the bike-sharing program that will lead to the One World Government, Batman, and more!

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This Week on the Web brings you vampires, annoying movie trends, hot girls with dry erase boards, a bevy of cute animals, career prospects for college grads, the Queerpocalypse, and more!

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This Week on the Web brings black holes, rainbow Jesus, Twilight, ancient Greek death rays, Batman vs. Darth Vader, Sylvester Stallone’s veins, and more!

Where Do Universes Come From?: A quick, layperson accessible article about a hypothesis attempting to explain universal expansion and where our universe came from. Nifty.

The Earth is Much Younger than Previously Thought: scientists believed that the Earth was 4.567 billion years old; the new estimate places it at closer to 4.467 billion years. Sorry, six day creationists.

Accept Jesus, Forever Forgiven: Via The Girlfriend. Speaking of six day creationists… well, I’m pretty sure that this guy is one. Also: please don’t click that link. And if you do, click it in Internet Explorer. Because Firefox users can go to hell, and there’s no such thing as an atheist Chrome user. This takedown almost makes the site worth reading. Almost. Oh, and there’s also an index and a home and a main page. Just because.

Desire To Ejaculate Motivates Local Christian To Wed: God bless The Onion. I mean…

What Does Drowning Really Look Like?: I was never taught this as a lifeguard. Scary.

Six Reasons to Ride a Polar Bear to Work: Via Matt Burdell. The Oatmeal may just be the best comic going right now. Go read it. All of it. Now.

Eclipse in Fifteen Minutes: A screenplay-style recap of the latest sparklepire epic, with a dash of Icelandic ballad mixed in. Cleolinda is hilarious, as always.

27 Reasons That Eclipse the Movie Is Better Than Eclipse the Book: Via The Girlfriend. You know what? I’m sick of these idiotic slideshows, and the asshat web developers that code them. If I wanted a link to pop up in a new window, I’d middle-click it, thanks much. Oh, and there’s Twilight stuff here. Favorite quote: “Oh shit, now there’s an Oscar nominee in our cast.”

The Editing Room: Via The Girlfriend. If you like screenplay-style recaps, you’ll enjoy these. And this guy apparatnly knows what a screenplay actually looks like, a claim which I cannot make. The Clash of the Titans recap is hilarious even before you read it…

Falcon Kick: Via John Nightingale. I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen a flying side kick work. Also: Cleats. Ouch. This is a (CPU murdering) animated GIF, so I didn’t embed it, but I do have a local copy.

Archimedes’s Flaming Steam Cannon: This is why history is cool, people. Because you get to read about a guy in a toga using giant brass mirror lasers to power steam cannons that shoot flaming death from the skies.

Sylvester Stallone is 64 Years Old: Via Unreality. Oh. My. God. This is why he’s still making action movies, folks.

The Ancient Hebrew Concept of the Cosmos: Via Michæl Paukner, via io9. This is just plain cool, and very well done. I have to admit, I find the idea that the world is basically a giant snow globe kind of appealing.

Magnetic Silly Putty: (Video) Via Topless Robot. Ever what happens when you take a magnetic semi-liquid and throw a magnet at it?

More Magnetic Silly Putty: Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4.

Will It Blend: Glowsticks: (Video) This is just plain awesome. World Cup fans may also enjoy: Will It Blend: Vuvuzela.

I Kissed a Nerd: (Video) Again via Topless Robot. It’s by the Damsels of Dorkington. How can you not love the Damsels of Dorkington?

Star Wars Re-edit: (Video) A Topless Robot trifecta. Did Luke really blow up the Death Star?

Batman vs. the Death Star: (Video) Because Michael Keaton is awesome.

Max Gets a Batman Costume: (Video) “What do you want for dinner?” “Justice!”

Oh, and there’s a sequel that’s also worth checking out.

Batman Interrogates the Joker: (Video) “Whrgahizhe!” “Okay, I don’t know if that was a question, or a declarative statement.”

If Ghostbusters Were a Silent, Steampunk Film: (Video) Via The Girlfriend (Whose name is AJ and please stop beating me all right I told them your name ow). Whom shall you telegram?

Power Thirst: via The Girlfriend, via Jimmy Cole. Sports! You’ll be good at them!

Power Thirst 2: When god gives you lemons, you find a new god. Embedding disabled because the guy who uploaded it is a douche, so click the link.

Also, there’s a 300 Edition. Little well known fact: Spartans make everything better.

Hogwarts is Burning: via i09. Suitably creepy and epic.

16 Inch Firework Shell Goes Up, Comes Down, Goes Boom: And Darwin rolls in his grave.

Wrong: Why Experts Keep Failing Us — and How to Know When Not to Trust Them: Your doctor, your financial advisor, and your personal trainer all have one thing in common: pretty much everything they tell you is dead wrong.

Glenn Miller Jr, Racist for Missouri: Via Left of Center: “We’ve allowed tens of millions of foreign mud people to invade our country, steal our jobs and our women, and destroy our children’s future.”

Kristen Stewart Emotional Chart: Via Unreality. Displaying the wide range of our beloved thespian. Note: “thespian” probably doesn’t mean what you think it means. Sorry.

Ten Vampires More Datable Than Edward Culled: My two favorites come in at numbers seven and one.

Back To The Future: This week marked a momentous occasion: the passing of the date Doc Brown intended to visit in his Delorian time machine. We are all officially old.

‘Fraggle Rock’ Movie ‘Edginess’ Explained: Look, I love me a grim-n-gritty remake as much as the next guy, but let me tell you this up front: if you make Fraggle Rock “edgy”, I am going to burn your studio to the ground. Just sayin’.

Camp Blood recaps True Blood: Via Amber Spadea, these guys are hilarious. I would totally watch TB with them.

Your Next Read: A crowd-sourced guide to finding books you’ll like, based on the books you’ve read.

The Plague: Via The Girlfriend, the New York State Department of Health has a web page dedicated to the plague. Just in case you’re planning a trip to medieval Europe, you see.

Wonder Woman Gets An Update: After 69 years, Wonder Woman is dropping the Star Spangled Bathing Suit and wearing something that looks… almost reasonable. I’m on board with this.

Unattended Children: Sometimes, a puppy just isn’t enough.

Foxconn is Installing Safety Nets: Via Gizmodo, via Matt Burdell. Because why improve employee morale when you can just make it harder for them to commit suicide?

Pedo the Clown: from Fail Blog, I present to you the most horrifying image in the world.

Vuvuzela in DOOM: the best weapon in Doom? Not the BFG-9000.

V for Vuvuzela: An uncompormising vision of the future of the World Cup, via Unreality Mag.

I’M COMIC SANS, ASSHOLE: A missive from the most misunderstood font. Also: a flowchart to decide if you should use Comic Sans.

Ninja Turtle: Sometimes Photoshop makes me so happy.

Oh Sookie: In this video, Snoop Doggy Dogg (yes, him) attempts to be culturally relevant, and fails:

True Blood Gets a Fourth Season: proof that there is a god, and that he isn’t particularly puritanical.

A Kitten in a Tiny Hat: via The Girlfriend.

Ask Richard: When Will I Stop Feeling Angry About My Religious Past?: The Friendly Atheist’s advice column deals with the question of how to deal with the emotional fallout that often accompanies leaving a faith.

The future of marketing: Rent a white guy: Apparently, being white and well dressed is rather lucrative in Asia.

Vuvuzela Hero: if Guitar Hero is too complicated for you, try Vuvuzela Hero: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

A German student created a major traffic jam in Bavaria when he ‘mooned’ a group of Hell’s Angels, hurled a puppy at them and then escaped on a bulldozer: You can stop now; you’re never going to top this.

The Scale of the Universe: Just in case you thought we were in any way significant.

Spyder III Pro Arctic Series: Warning: do not look at insanely powerful, handheld laser dressed up like a lightsaber with remaining eye.

Jedi Training Academy: Speaking of lightsabers…

Battle Hamster!: This requires no explanation.

Kitteh Freaks Himself Out:

Giraffe Knife Neck Fight: If you’ve ever wanted to see one giraffe knock out another giraffe, this is your day:

Thomas hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

…

And what happened then…?
Well…in Who-ville they say
That Thomas’s small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he… HE HIMSELF…!
Thomas carved the roast beast!

Merry Christmas!

A week or so ago, someone asked me if I had ever seen Jersey Shore.

“No,” I said.

“You would hate those people. Hate them.”

Wow, was he ever not wrong.

I was flipping through the channels after the football game today – and as an aside, thanks, Fox, for not playing the Pittsburg game – and landed on an episode of the above-mentioned train wreck. Now, I have a little rule about not watching MTV (motto: “we don’t play music, but we’ll never change out name”), but curiosity got the better of me. It couldn’t be that bad, could it?

Yes, it could. Dear sweet Vishnu, it was that bad. In literally less than thirty seconds, I already wanted to murder the entire cast.

Let’s start with Mike, who refers to himself as “The Situation.” Yes, he really calls himself that. No, I don’t know why. His friend and wingman is “DJ” Pauly, who owns his own tanning bed, and has replaced his hair with some sort of plastic mold. Their entire mission in life is to have sex with women of poor judgement. The thing is, they’re bad at it. Comically bad at it. Oh, they get the women home, and impress them with their “phat crib,” but pretty soon the women realize that they are very close to breeding with a pair of forty-five year old teenagers with orange skin, their self-preservation instincts kick in, and the “bros” are left telling each other how the girls weren’t good enough for them, anyway. And I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure they cuddle with each other after the cameras stop rolling.

The best incident? When “The Situation” was about to score, and his victim’s girlfriend walks into the room and says “you don’t want to do this.” “You’re right,” says the other girl, and off they go.

Then there’s Ronnie, who I call “Shirtless,” because that seems to be his single emotional response. Ronnie’s happy? Off comes the shirt. Ronnie’s angry? Off comes the shirt. Ronnie’s sad? Off comes the shirt. Ronnie’s feeling thoughtful? Haha, just kidding, Ronnie’s never had a thoughtful moment in his life.

The women are no better. Angelina, who calls herself “Jolie” because she’s an idiot, is devastated when her boyfriend breaks up with her for sleeping with another guy, and gets kicked out of the house for refusing to work at the t-shirt shop. No, I have no idea why she worked at a t-shirt shop, nor do I particularly care. Her parting witticism was “I don’t wanna work! And I don’t have to do anything I don’t want!” Sweetheart, none of us want to work. That’s why it’s called work, you tangerine colored nimrod.

No, wait, Sweetheart is a different girl. She is, apparently, the “sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” I spent a considerable portion of the episode fantasizing creative ways in which she could die.

And then there’s “Snooki.” Her name alone… I mean, God, these people are actually allowed to walk around, unsupervised. She is quite possibly the most obnoxious human being alive, and I’m including Glen Beck in that estimation. But then this happens:

Now, I can’t justify hitting a woman, no matter how… she is, but that GIF is just hypnotizing. And the best part is that the guy didn’t even knock her out. He knocked her down, but she was still awake. And crying. But awake.

The puncher, according to the New York Post, is a guy named Brad Ferro. He is, to no one’s surprise, a high school gym teacher. His employer says that he’s been moved to a “teacher reassignment center.” So I guess NYC high schools are a lot like the Catholic church.

Toward the end of the episode, the “bros” tried to light their propane grill. With charcoal. Ominious music started playing, and I literally leaned forward and started whispering “Please blow up. Please blow up. Please blow up.” Sadly, they did not blow up, even though they did manage to light the entire grill on fire.

This entire thing makes me weep for humanity. It was like watching the mating dance of a pack of retarded baboons, except retarded baboons would actually be kind of cute, with their stumbling around and slipping on banana peels and flinging feces. These people are just annoying. The boys are all juice heads, the girls are all plastic, and the lot of them have consumed enough hair product and tanning lotion to put another hole in the ozone layer. So I hope you’re happy, Jersey Shore, when those polar bears are drowning in the melting arctic.

Really, it’s just mesmerizing, isn’t it?