George Clooney’s Lover: I love you George Clooney!

George Clooney: I love you to!

George Clooney’s Lover: Say, is that man with a gun trying to kill us?

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

That Man With a Gun: Dies.

George Clooney’s Lover: That was scary!

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

George Clooney’s Lover: Dies.

George Clooney: Hey, the Swedes found me. Again.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dude, sucks for you. You should go hide out in Italy.

George Clooney: Arrives.

Assassin Chick: I need a gun. With bullets. And a silencer. And a box to carry it in.

George Clooney: No problem! I’ll craft the entire thing by hand, using the spare parts I take from Father Joe’s bastard son’s auto shop!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Hi George Clooney! I’m naked!

The Camera: Spends the next two days lingering on her breasts.

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: I’m in love with you, George Clooney!

George Clooney: Me too! But I don’t trust you!

George Clooney: Well, I’ve fallen in love with a hooker with a heart of gold, so I think it’s time to retire.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Okay! I’ll send over Assassin Chick to… um… debrief you.

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! You may not recognize me, because I have slightly darker hair now!

George Clooney: Hi Assassin Chick! Here’s the gun I built for you by hand! Please don’t shoot me with it!

George Clooney: Here, take this giant wad of cash and meet me by the river! I have to go kill the assassin I just armed, and my old boss!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: …?

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! Bang!

George Clooney: Ha! I knew you were going to double-cross me, so I rigged the gun to explode in your face!

Assassin Chick: Dies.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Bang!

George Clooney: Bang bang!

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dies.

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: George Clooney! You’re here! Now we can be together forever!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Sorry, babe. This is a “serious and meditative” movie, which means it has to have a depressing ending. Dies.

This week’s edition of links comes a bit early, since I expect to be cut off from civilization all weekend, doing the final edits on my manuscript. Read on for news on Apple, Batman, realistic lightsabers, the obligatory vampires, Steampunk Optimus Prime, and more!
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Previously, on True Blood

Vampire Bill: Suckhy! I will save you my darling!

Vampire Pam: She’s not here.

Vampire Bill: But she is! I can feel her fear drawing me here!

Vampire Pam: Oh, that. She’s… afraid… of you! Yeah, that’s it. She’s terrified you’re going to interrupt her passionate, primal sexytime with Eric.

Vampire Bill: Fangs!

Vampire Pam: Vampire mace!

Vampire Bill: Sadface!

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This week’s collection of links brings you a new Vampire Diaries trailer, the award for Sexiest Vampire, the science of zombie outbreaks, armored felines, the bike-sharing program that will lead to the One World Government, Batman, and more!

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Previously, on True Blood

Sookie Stackhouse: I’m a fairy? How fucking lame.

Thomas: Is amazed that the writers had enough sense to put the audience’s words into Sookie’s mouth. Well done, show, well done.

Vampire Bill: Well they’re also called Fae and Little People and Old People and Aliens and-

Thomas: Shut up, Bill. Sookie was right. This is fucking lame.

Vampire Bill: Oh, and I should probably mention that Fae have the tastiest blood that ever was tasted, and you’ve got about as much chance as a Twinkie at Overeaters Anonymous. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

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This Week on the Web brings us news on Deadpool and Green Lantern, Batman, vampires, ignorant preachers, and more!
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Previously, on True Blood

Eric Northman: Holy shit everything is fucked oh Odin we are so fucked they’re going to have to invent a new word to describe how fucking fucked we are! Fuck!

Vampire Pam: What, did you finally realize Alan Ball is Team Bill!

Eric Northman: No, I murdered the Vampire King of Louisiana’s Vampire Boyfriend.

Vampire Pam: …goddammit. Hey, Methey the Coked Out Waitress! We need to crash at your place for a while!

Methey the Coked Out Waitress: Why, because of the Vampire Feds in the lobby?

Eric Northman and Vampire Pam: Sadface.

Nan Flanagan, Spokesvampire: Cuff ‘im, boys!

Eric Northman: Sadderface.

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The Trailer: Stallone. Statham. Li.

The Audience: Wow.

The Trailer: Lundgren. Couture. Austin.

The Audience: God damn.

The Trailer: Crews. Rourke.

The Audience: Holy shit.

The Trailer: With uncredited cameos by Willis…

The Audience: Jesus effing Christ.

The Trailer: And Schwarzenegger.

The Audience: Mangasm.

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