Facebook: stalking is too hard, so we automated it: Facebook is testing a feature that will allow you to subscribe to a friend’s activity. I realize that this is pretty much one click less than opening their profile, but still, it seems a bit creepy. And in related news:

Facebook stalker from hell: This is genuinely frightening. But, I do have a suggestion: rather than trying to get this guy’s facebook taken away, how about you arrest the creepy-ass son of a bitch? (via Cleolinda Jones

Facebook is a magnet for narcissists and the insecure: Well, that’s definitely why I’m there. (via Slashdot)

If historical events had Facebook: (image) I really can’t get enough of these.

Will Amish Romance dethrone Vampire Romance?: Wow, do I ever hope so.</sarcasm> (via GalleyCat)

Let me In poster debuts: (image) I really like this. For those of you out of the loop, Let Me In is a remake of the Sweedish vampire movie Let The Right One In, which was based on a novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist. I’m excited for this.

Demand Curve: “Size 6? Size hippo!” (image) A nice comic on how media creates and then sells body image. And it has a sequel.

There is an ‘I’ in “team!” (image) Typography nerds rejoice!

The NFL’s new Concussion Awareness Poster: (image) “If you’re aware enough to wonder if you have a concussion, you probably don’t.” (via Eric Cougar Brinski)

On-Set photos of Captain America costume: (images) Do not love, but then again, I hated the Green Goblin costume photos, and that turned out all right on screen. (via ComingSoon.net)

January Jones as Emma Frost in x-Men: First Class: (images) You know what my life needed? A 1970’s period movie about mutant superheros. Thank god that’s being taken care of.

Duke Nukem Forever will finally be released: God. This is the longest running joke in the video game industry. Look, so-called “game footage” being played by so-called “actual people”. I’ll believe it when I’m rescuing babes.

Pencil Tip Micro Sculptures: (images) A guy with a hand this steady should be a cardio god or something. Man. (via AJ Wiswell)

Parrot playing dead: (image) Your weekly recommended value of squee. (via AJ Wiswell)

Tiny mouse is tiny!: (image) Your weekly supplemental squee. (via AJ Wiswell)

The laws of physics might not be universal: This isn’t anywhere near proven, but experiments show that a particular fundamental constant might be different depending on where you are in the universe. I’m linking it because of this quote: “The fundamental constants being constant is an assumption. We’re here to test physics, not to assume it.”

Pray for You by Jaron and the Long Road to Love: This song is sure to touch any psalmist’s heart. Imprecatory prayers FTW! (via AJ Wiswell)

Why does it matter what the bible says?: Circular reasoning FTW! (via Almighty God)

Atheize the dead: Mormons (and a few other Christian cults) have this odd habit of baptizing the dead. They think that a person can’t get into heaven unless they’re baptized, so a living person agrees to be baptized “in their place.” Whatever. Anyway, now you can get revenge: atheize the dead! Sign up here to atheize in someone’s stead. (via PZ Myers)

Catholics, it’s you this Pope has abused: “If your faith pulls you towards [Pope Joseph Ratzinger] rather than his victims, shouldn’t that make you think again about your faith? Doesn’t it suggest that faith in fact distorts your moral faculties?” (via Richard Wiseman)

Consequences to US and Dutch Approaches to Sexuality: Executive summary: America’s prudish attitude toward sex means teens are more likely to contract an STI, get pregnant, and have an abortion. From the “everything we do is wrong” files. (via Bibliotech)

Dear Thomas,

Thank you for your recent e-mail and for reading my blog, I appreciate it. I regret to say that I don’t feel that I’m the most appropriate agent for your work.

However, opinions vary considerably in this business, and I wish you the best of luck in your search for representation.

Best wishes,
Nathan

This is exactly what I expected. Only about a fifth of queries result in a request for a full or partial manuscript, and considerably less than that results in an offer for representation.

Actually, this makes me kind of happy. First because I was prepared for it, and second because it represents an important step: I’m no longer someone hoping to be published one day, but someone that’s doing something about it.

Onward to the next list of potential agents…

After more than a year of work, rework, stalling, and even more rework, I’ve finally decided to try and get published. This evening, I submitted my first query letter to a literary agent.

The odds of being asked for a manuscript are small, and the odds of receiving an offer are even smaller, but as they say, you can’t win if you don’t play. So, with fingers crossed and breath held, I hit “send”. I’ll let you know – hopefully within a few days, given this agent’s reputation – what happens.

And if you’re reading this, NB, thank you for your time.

George Clooney’s Lover: I love you George Clooney!

George Clooney: I love you to!

George Clooney’s Lover: Say, is that man with a gun trying to kill us?

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

That Man With a Gun: Dies.

George Clooney’s Lover: That was scary!

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

George Clooney’s Lover: Dies.

George Clooney: Hey, the Swedes found me. Again.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dude, sucks for you. You should go hide out in Italy.

George Clooney: Arrives.

Assassin Chick: I need a gun. With bullets. And a silencer. And a box to carry it in.

George Clooney: No problem! I’ll craft the entire thing by hand, using the spare parts I take from Father Joe’s bastard son’s auto shop!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Hi George Clooney! I’m naked!

The Camera: Spends the next two days lingering on her breasts.

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: I’m in love with you, George Clooney!

George Clooney: Me too! But I don’t trust you!

George Clooney: Well, I’ve fallen in love with a hooker with a heart of gold, so I think it’s time to retire.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Okay! I’ll send over Assassin Chick to… um… debrief you.

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! You may not recognize me, because I have slightly darker hair now!

George Clooney: Hi Assassin Chick! Here’s the gun I built for you by hand! Please don’t shoot me with it!

George Clooney: Here, take this giant wad of cash and meet me by the river! I have to go kill the assassin I just armed, and my old boss!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: …?

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! Bang!

George Clooney: Ha! I knew you were going to double-cross me, so I rigged the gun to explode in your face!

Assassin Chick: Dies.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Bang!

George Clooney: Bang bang!

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dies.

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: George Clooney! You’re here! Now we can be together forever!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Sorry, babe. This is a “serious and meditative” movie, which means it has to have a depressing ending. Dies.

Apple releases a bunch of stuff that fails to impress me: I had high hopes for the Apple TV; specifically, I was interested in the rumors that it would allow you to buy subscriptions to television shows, essentially making it a cable-killer. I would have bought that in a heartbeat. All this had, though, is Netflix Streaming, and I already own a Wii for that. On the other hand, I am rubbing my hands in gleeful anticipation, waiting for the whole “iTunes Social Network” to erupt into an RIAA-led donkey show. Slashdot and CNN have more.

Two Batmen for the price of one: In you haven’t been keeping up with your comics lately, you might not know that Bruce Wayne, also known as The Batman, was killed by Darkseid, also known as The God to Whom Satan Prays. Well, Batman wasn’t going to take that lying down, and he’s been crawling his way back to life – and the present – ever since. In the meantime, his first student, Dick Grayson, has taken over the cape and cowl. DC just announced that, once Bruce returns, there will be two Batmen operating in Gotham – Dick and Bruce.

Villains for Batman: Arkham City: These models are incredible, and almost make me wish I played video games. Also, the comments contain a heated discussion about breast-physics, which is hilarious.

Steampunk Optimus Prime: What’s better than a Steampunk Optimus Prime? A Steampunk Optimus Prime that turns into a goddamn locomotive, that’s what.

Does this book cover look familiar?: I know the big trend right now is to ape the Twilight series covers, but this is just blatant. I actually saw this in Barnes & Noble the other night and took a picture, I was so amazed. (via AJ Wiswell)

Vampires Suck Other Guys: (image) My girlfriend has been looking for this on a marquee for weeks.

Neil Gaiman’s Sandman Television Series in Development: Dammit people, stop making TV shows I want to watch. It’s becoming pretty much impossible to keep up my “I don’t watch television” snobbery.

Incredibly detailed replica lightsabers: Not only do these match their movie counterparts exactly, they have authentic-looking innards, including glowing emitter crystals. These things are unbelievable. (via Slashdot)

Textee!: (video) The concept is reasonable: little thumb-gloves that make it easier to use a touchscreen. The advertising… well, the advertising makes me want to murder everyone involved in this product. (via AJ Wiswell)

If God had a Facebook: (image) What can I say? I’m still not tired of “history via Facebook” jokes. (via Katie Grasso)

This! Is! Painting! (image) Leonidas as Bob Ross painting Sparta. I am happy on the inside.

Stay Puft Marshmallows: ThinkGeek has started selling Stay Puft Marshmallows… yes, as in the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbuters. And because it’s ThinkGeek, the marshmallows are caffeinated. (via Matt Burdell)

Green Ranger poster: Power Morphicon, a Power Rangers convention, started this week. Yes, there is a Power Rangers convention. But whatever; the point is, Scott Shaw made a neat poster of the Green Ranger controlling the Dragon Zord with his Power Flute. (Every single word of that made sense to me… please kill me now.) (via Comics Alliance)

Luna Vachon dead at 48: TMZ reports that Bam Bam Bigelow’s “main squeeze” has died. I suspect that drugs had nothing to do with this. Also: does someone want to look into the fact that almost no professional wrestler lives to see 50?

Surfing our way to stupid: Long story short, because the internet encourages skimming and multi-tasking, our brains are being trained to – ooh! Shiny!

Is Barack Obama a Muslin?: A very quick answer to this burning question. (via GodlessGirl)

Sarah Palin the Sound and the Fury: A good – but long – article on Sarah Palin: who she is in public, and who she is in private.

The ultimate marijuana security system: I would imagine that pot-growers spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to keep the police away from their crops. These guys may have had the best idea ever: bears.

If Websites were pets: If you haven’t checked on it in a year, are you sure it’s still alive? (via AJ Wiswell)

Bathtime for Hedgehogs: The spines! They do nothing! Help! (via AJ Wiswell)

Vampire Bill: Suckhy! I will save you my darling!

Vampire Pam: She’s not here.

Vampire Bill: But she is! I can feel her fear drawing me here!

Vampire Pam: Oh, that. She’s… afraid… of you! Yeah, that’s it. She’s terrified you’re going to interrupt her passionate, primal sexytime with Eric.

Vampire Bill: Fangs!

Vampire Pam: Vampire mace!

Vampire Bill: Sadface!

Yvvette The Stripper Chick: Stupid Eric giving all his worldly belongings to Vampire Pan and giving me nothing but endless orgasms and miles and miles of vampire wang! Let’s go, Sookie, I’m getting you out of here!

Sookie Stackhouse: Yay! I’m free to make the stupidest possible choices and fuck up everyone’s life!

Thomas: Sadface.

Vampire Pam: Vampire mace!

Sookie Stackhouse: Silver chain strangle!

Vampire Bill: Wow, that silver in the eyes sure did suck! But it’s all right, I’ll heal as soon as I get some blood.

Sookie Stackhouse: …

Vampire Bill: Which I will not be taking from you, no siree.

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Wheeeee! Vampire blood is awesome!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Chill out.

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Wheeeee!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Facepalm.

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Oh hey, did I mention I’m a demon?

Jason Stackhouse: So you’re a were-panther.

Crystal Norris: And you’re a redneck.

Jason Stackhouse: Okay then. Well, I’m gonna go… find my sister.

Crystal Norris: Hey, speaking of sisters, did I tell you about the incest? Hey, where are you going?

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: So it’s great that you’re into me and all, but there’s something you need to know… I… drink human blood.

Hoyt Fortenberry: Well, I’m human, and I have blood, and I enjoy being sucked… this sounds like a solution!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Well all right! Fangs!

Russell Edginton: Here you go Tal-bucket, it’s your favorite painting. Oh, hi Eric! So, what was with the whole donkey punch from hell thing?

Eric Northman: You killed my father, I wanted revenge, blah blah blah. Anyway, on to business.

Russell Edginton: Your imminent and bloody death? Excellent!

Eric Northman: No, I’m talking about daywalking.

Russell Edginton: You mean…?

Eric Northman: Yes, SPF-Sook-Hundred.

Vampire Pam: Hey Eric? Yeah, Vampire Bill showed up, and Sookie’s gone.

Eric Northman: …Odindammit.

Vampire Bill: Sweet-talks Sookie all formal and accent-ey.

Sookie Stackhouse: Fights desperately to beat down a nascent sense of logic and self-preservation.

Sam Merlotte: Is a drunk redneck asshole.

Terry Bellefleur: Is about one and a half crazy eyes from handing Sam his ass.

Merlotte’s: Is suddenly rather shot-staffed.

Kitch “QB One” Whateverhisnameis: Is a were-quarterback or some shit.

Hoyt’s Rebound Girl Summer: Waaaaah! I offered to let Hoyt touch my boobs like you said, and he didn’t wanna!

Mama Fortenberry: Goddammit, I knew that boy was gay.

Andy Bellefleur: Hi Tara!

Tara Thornton: Hi Andy! So, about you covering up for Jason when he murdered my boyfriend…?

Andy Bellefleur: …shit.

Sam Merlotte: Is still a drunk redneck asshole.

Merlotte’s: Is closed for (emotional) repairs.

Vampire Bill: We need a fresh start!

Sookie Stackhouse: And a normal life together!

Vampire Bill: No more werewolves, no more Vampire Kings!

Sookie Stackhouse: And no more Eric Northman!

Russell Edginton and Eric Northman: Hi guys!

Holly: Blah blah Wiccan bullshit blah.

Arlene Fowler: So how does this un-babyfication spell work?

Holly: Well, basically I give you some RU-486 flavored coffee, and sprinkle in a whole bunch of crap about how all life is connected and stuff.

Russell Edginton: Gives his “I have an evil plan” speech.

Glenn Beck: I did that first.

Eric Northman: I have a plan, too! A “stop Russell Edgington from taking over the world” plan!

Vampire Bill: Will it save Sookie?

Eric Northman: There’s a distinct possibility that it will!

Sam Merlotte: Drunken redneck hate sex?

Tara Thornton: Yes please.

Sam’s Brother Tommy: You guys go on ahead. I’ll just crack this safe over here.

Terry Bellefleur: Hey baby? You seem to be losing copious amounts of blood from the general crotch area.

Arlene Fowler: Oh thank the pagan goddess! I mean, um… wow, I sure am sad, aren’t you?

Jason Stackhouse: So I’ve decided that I can get on board with the hot man-on-panther action.

Crystal Norris: Yay! But first, let’s go tell my daddy-brother that you called the DEA on him.

Jason Stackhouse: …o…kay?

Eric Northman: So, yeah, Sookie’s blood is magic fairy sunscreen.

Russell Edginton: Bullshit.

Vampire Bill: No, he’s telling the truth.

Sookie Stackhouse: Thanks, asshole.

Russell Edginton: Well, I’m willing to give this a shot. But, in case you poisoned her blood or something, why don’t you drink first?

Eric Northman: :-D

Arlene Fowler: Terry, you just have to accept this as God’s will. What’s going to happen is going to happen, and there’s just nothing we can do about it. There’s no use getting upset.

Dr. Speakingpart, MD: Hi Arlene! You’re baby’s fine!

Arlene Fowler: Fuck!

Russell Edginton and Eric Northman: Nom nom nom!

Sookie Stackhouse: I protest!

Eric Northman: Hey guys! Smolder. I’m walking in the sun, and I’m not burning at all! Smoke. You can come out now Russell! Sizzle.

Russell Edginton: This is amazing! I feel so… hey, why is your face all blister-ey?

Eric Northman: Handcuffs! Be brave! We’ll die together!

The Plot: Thickens.

The Vampire Diaries Season Two Trailer: Year of the Kat: (video) The new season premiers Thursday, September 9^th and 8pm. I genuinely think that this is my favorite vampire-related entertainment right now, and I can’t wait for it to be back on the air.

Damon Salvatore is a sexy beast: Damon edged out Edward Cullen to win sexiest… creature… of the year in this fan-voted poll.

Sookie and Bill get married: Well, at least Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer. So chill out, Team Eric.

Seven scientific reasons a zombie outbreak would fail (quickly): Seven reasons why we should stop worrying about the shambling dead and start concentrating on a real threat: sparkly vampires. (via Slashdot)

Zombies are street legal in Minneapolis: In other zombie-related news, Minneapolis police are no longer allowed to arrest you for dressing up like a zombie. That was apparently a matter of actual, legal debate.

Three clips from Voyage of the Dawntreader: (videos) The next Chronicles of Narnia movie opens December tenth. The Girlfriend is excited, which makes me happy.

Fuck Me, Ray Bradbury: (video, NSFW) This girl loves her some science fiction. (via everybody on the bleeding internet)

The Evolution of Batman: (image) How the live-screen representation of Batman’s suit has changed over the years. You know what? Even though he couldn’t turn his head, I think my favorite bat-suit is still the one Keaton wore way back in 1989. (local cache)

Judge Minty: A Judge Dredd Fan Film: (video) I would love to know how people keep scraping together enough time/money/talent to make these amazing videos. Oh, and you can check out the project’s home page, too. (via Topless Robot)

The Last Exorcism invades Chatroulette: (video) Two things: one, this is brilliant viral marketing, and two, watching teenage guy who think they’re about to see boobs is hilarious. (via Ropes of Silicon )

Bad-ass renditions of popular cartoons: Ah, grim-n-gritty nostalgia.

How to Establish Workplace Dominance: A passive-agressive guide to career success. (via Jimmy Cole)

Unsuck It: Of course, one of the most important skills for a successful career is the ability to deal with corporate-speak. Fortunately, unsuck it is here to help.

Party Cat!: “This is my house, and we are not having any more parties.” “That’s cute.” (via Chuck Knigge)

Suits of Armor for Cats and Mice: (images) Because, really, who doesn’t want to dress their cat up like a spanish Conquistador?

A Google Chrome OS Tablet on the way?: I’m worried that Google is going to fragment their market with Chrome OS and Android devices. I’m also worried that apps I write for my phone won’t work on the tablet. (via Bibliotech)

Unretouched photo of Jennifer Anniston: It’s been a while since I posted a “no one on magazine covers is real” article. Consider that mistake remedied.

Why Quick, Cheap Food Is Actually More Expensive: Executive summary: the food industry is trying to murder us, and the government is paying them to do so. (via Donny Lowe)

Penn and Teller on the Vaccine Scare: (video) Simple truth, powerfully illustrated.

DEA hiring Ebonics Experts: I don’t know why this makes me so happy, but it does. (via Bibliotech)

A hedgehog doing the back float: (video) Prepare for squee. (via AJ Wiswell)

Microfrog: (image) Squee 2: Sven Tinier. io9 has more. (via AJ Wiswell)

Three Reasons the Ground Zero Mosque Debate Makes No Sense: What, Fox News lied to use again? Sarah Palin is just making stuff up? Say it ain’t so! Now, let me be clear: I hate religion, and I take no more joy in a Muslim Community Center than a Christian Waffle House or a Buddhist Squash Court. But I also hate it when people lie, and I really hate it when people lie to suppress a minority.

The Parent Company Trap: (video) Jon Stewart and friends asks a critical question: is Fox News evil, or stupid?

Is Obama a Muslim?: A recent poll shows that almost twenty percent of Americans believe Obama is a Muslim. In related news, nearly one in five Americans is a goddamn idiot. (via Beth Loucks)

Quiverfull: courtship and marriage: A survivor of the Quiverfull movement – and I use the term “survivor” intentionally – details some of the darker parts of their theology, including such helpful advice as “it’s never to early to start beating your child.” I think most religion is silly. I think this is plain evil. (via Vyckie D. Garrison)

Denver bike-sharing program: obvious UN attempt to take over America: Denver recently started a bike-sharing program, to ease traffic congestion and lower pollution. Republican Gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes has stated that this bike-sharing program is part of a bigger strategy by the UN to control American cities, which will of course lead to more abortions. I don’t even know. (via Slashdot)

Sookie Stackhouse: I’m a fairy? How fucking lame.

Thomas: Is amazed that the writers had enough sense to put the audience’s words into Sookie’s mouth. Well done, show, well done.

Vampire Bill: Well they’re also called Fae and Little People and Old People and Aliens and-

Thomas: Shut up, Bill. Sookie was right. This is fucking lame.

Vampire Bill: Oh, and I should probably mention that Fae have the tastiest blood that ever was tasted, and you’ve got about as much chance as a Twinkie at Overeaters Anonymous. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

Jason Stackhouse: You know, I sure have killed a bunch of people. I’m going to have a flashback now.

Tara Thornton: We ain’t got time for that! We have to kick a little bit of dirt over the Pile of Bloody Ooze Formerly Known as Franklin, then throw his bloody clothes all over your truck!

Jason Stackhouse: My extensive training in crime scene investigation tells me this is a good idea, so let’s go!

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Um, I know you forgot to Tivo Glee, but we’ve got a guy dying in the truck…

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! I got the best medicine money can buy up in this hizzouzz. And I’m certain that letting the world know how powerful vampire blood is won’t piss off Eric at all.

Sam Merlotte: That ass-beating I just gave Calvin Norris reminds me of the time I was a high-class jewelry thief that got betrayed by his hot blond hussy girlfriend.

Sookie Stackhouse: All right William Thomas Compton, you tell me everything you know about vampires and fairies and tigers oh my, and if you don’t, I swear to god… I’ll know it. I won’t do anything about it, of course, because I am completely blind to how absolutely fucked up our sad excuse for a relationship is, but I will pout a bit. Before having very rough, bloody make up sex with you.

Vampire Bill: …Fae blood is tasty.

Sookie Stackhouse: That’s it? We’re the Colonel’s Secret Spices of the vampire world? Is that why you’re with me? Is it because I’m tasty?

Edward Cullen: Yes!

Vampire Bill: No! I mean, at first, maybe just a little, but…no! I don’t love you for your taste, I love you for your ass! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

Thomas: Vampire Bill is the best goddam liar in the world.

Laywer Guy: Blah blah blah, in the event that Eric Northman meets an untimely demise, everything goes to Vampire Pam.

Vampire Pam: This is crap. Why are you making out your will?

Eric Northman: Because Russell Edgington is the oldest, most powerful vampire in the world, and the fact that he just ripped out a guy’s spine on live TV, right before informing the world that he’s going to personally eat their children indicates that he’s batshit nuts, and the fact that I just murdered his lover?

Vampire Pam: Okay, fair point.

Yvvette The Stripper Chick: What about me! I want some of your cash when you die (again)!

Eric Northman: You gold digging whore! (Except he said it all Swedish and accent-ey).

Thomas: Loves the fact that the Swedish for “gold digging whore” is apparently “gold digging whore”.

Crystal Norris: Holy crap, that vampire blood totally brought my daddy back from the brink of death!

Calvin Norris: What? You let these fags put their magic juice in my mouth! Somebody find me some mouthwash!

Nan Flanagan, Spokesvampire: Yes, Russell Edginton is a terrorist and a madman, but so was Jeffery Dahmer, and you don’t see people going all “ooo, humans are dangerous, let’s lock them up and not let them marry,” do you? No. I mean, just because we’re immortal, and have fangs, and can hypnotize you into doing things you would never even consider doing otherwise, and we basically redefine the term “apex predator”, well, that doesn’t mean we’re evil, does it?

Eric Northman: Hi Bill! So is it true Sookie’s blood lets you walk in the sunlight?

Vampire Bill: No! I mean, only for a few minutes. And you burn a bit slower after that. And I’m pretty sure if I drained her dry I’d be all Super Vamp or something. But… no.

Sookie Stackhouse: Hi guys! Did you know fairies can sneak up on vampires? Because apparently I can!

Vampire Bill: That’s great babe. We were just talking about how Eric is a lying poopeyface.

Eric Northman: Whatever. I’m doing to go commit Suicide by Edgington now.

Rev. Steve Newlin: Vampires are evil!

Arlene Fowler: Boy are they! Jessica!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Fangs!

Arlene Fowler: Eep! Runs away.

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: That narrow minded bitch!

Sam’s Brother Tommy: Aw, I’m sorry, Jessica. Would you like me to comfort you with my penis?

Hoyt’s Rebound Girl Summer: Is a prime candidate for “characters that can be killed off to make the audience happy.” Please?

Sookie Stackhouse: Hi guys! Why are you covered in blood!

Tara Thornton: Hi Sookie! Did I ever tell you about the time I was kidnaped and raped and almost murdered, and your boyfriend didn’t do a goddamn thing to help me?

Vampire Bill: So Jason, how do you feel about shooting people between the eyes?

Jason Stackhouse: Sadface.

Jesus the Gay Nurse: You know how I was all offended when I found out you were a drug dealer? Changed my mind! Wheeeeeee vampire blood!

Sam Merlotte: Hey everyone! Lafayette called and told me Calvin Norris didn’t die, so you can all stop worrying that you’re working for a killer!

Holly: I’m a witch!

Bonnie Bennet: Me too!

Thomas: Goddammit.

Sam’s Brother Tommy: Dude, they were totally respecting the crazy eyes vibe!

Sam Merlotte: …it’s not “respect” when the people working for you think you’re a raving psychopath.

Arlene Fowler: Terry… did I ever tell you about the time Rene knocked me up and then I told the guy I was dating that the baby was his?

Terry Bellefleur: Urge… to… crazy… eyes… rising…. No! It’s all right! I’m gonna be a good daddy, and you’re gonna be a good mama, and baby’s gonna not be the anti-christ!

Jason Stackhouse: I shot Franklin! And Eggs!

Thomas: …and the reason this makes you sad is…?

A Higher State of Consciousness: Apparently involves dancing like white people, watching a bunch of voodoo idols dance, and taking a psychic tour of the witchcraft hotspots on Mexico.

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Hey, did I ever tell you how my Grandfather was a black priest that wanted to turn me into some sort of Santeria demigod or something?

Thomas: If this turns into Maenad 2, the Maenaddening…

Sookie Stackhouse: I know this is just a blood-dream…

Eric Northman: Which means you can make out with me guilt free! Fangs!

Jason Stackhouse: Hey Tara! I made you breakfast in bed! And I killed your boyfriend!

Tara Thornton: You wanna be my boyfriend? Sexy time!

Jason Stackhouse: No, I killed your boyfriend!

Tara Thornton: Oh. Well that makes me significantly less happy.

The Town Rednecks: Hi Bill! We left you a nice burning cross on your lawn! Fuck you and go back to hell!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Can we eat them?

Vampire Bill: …no. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

Sam Merlotte: I’m drunk! And having a flashback to how I got revenge on the hot blond hussy girlfriend that betrayed me! Who knew that guns really do kill people! Tee hee!

Eric Northman: So I’m going to go die in battle soon, and you should totally pity-kiss me before I’m dead.

Sookie Stackhouse: Okay!

Jacob “Abs” Black: I used that line first.

Vampire Pam: So, can we give her to Russell or eat her or whatever now?

Joey the Gay Prostitute: Hey man, you looking for something special?

The Vampire King of Mississippi: Gay sex and lunch. You in?

Arlene Fowler: So… about those alternative ways of not being pregnant…?

Holly: Sure thing! Falcon punch!

Hoyt Fortenberry: Jessica, I love you and I want to be with you and have your vampire babies even if that’s physically impossible!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: …

Hoyt Fortenberry: Storms off.

Sam’s Brother Tommy: Nice job, dickweed!

Hoyt Fortenberry: Facepunch!

Sam’s Brother Tommy: Maul!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Dog toss!

Hoyt Fortenberry: Oh my, this giant gaping wound on my arm sure is inconvenient!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: My blood has magic healing powers!

Hoyt Fortenberry: That is significantly more convenient!

Vampire Bill: Jason! You let Sookie wander off by herself! You have let me down! (Formal. Accent-ey. You know the drill.)

Jason Stackhouse: Eff you you effing effer! Get out of my house! Yeah, that’s right, invitation rescinded!

Vampire Bill: Gurgle twitch backwards walk.

Jason Stackhouse: Whew! Man, this sure would be a hell of a time for a were-panther to break into my house, wouldn’t it?

Crystal Norris: Hi, Jason!

The Vampire King of Mississippi: Talbot, I’m so sorry I wasn’t with you in the end! Maybe being here with this guy when I murder him will assuage my guilt!

Joey the Gay Prostitute: Wait, what?

Sookie Stackhouse: Eric! Where have you been? I am not some kind of prisoner you can just lock up when you have vampire emergencies to take care of!

Eric Northman: Actually, yes, you are. Locks her up.

Thomas: Sealclap!

The Plot: Thickens.

On to the next episode!