This morning, I intended to wake up at 6am (which is sleeping in for me, these days), go to the office, and get a jump on all of the stuff I have to do for next week. Instead, I hit the snooze button until 7, then shut it off and slept till 10.

I decided that the office could wait until tomorrow – or even Sunday – and I didn’t have to be anywhere for another few hours, so I had to decide how to kill the rest of my day. And since I haven’t quite had my fill of emo teen vampire romance angst, I went to see Twilight again.

First off, I really like Robert Pattinson. His fake American accent sounds strangely like a fake European accent, but other than that…

RPatz, as he has been loving dubbed by the Twihards, was handed a football. This confused him, because what he calls a football, we call a soccer ball, and what we call a football, he calls “that thing you play with that’s kind of like rugby, but without all that sissy padding and time outs, right?” Regardless, there were words written on this oddly-shaped sports implement: “Edward Cullen is a Self-Loathing Manic Depressive.” And RPatz, God bless him, took those words to heart, and ran that football right into the end zone.

RPatz has said, in various interviews, that the more he read the script for Twilight, and the book upon which it was based, the more he hated the character he was being asked to play. And then he had a revelation: Edward hated himself, too. He saw himself as a monster, torn between his love for Bella Swan, and his thirst for her blood.

But this wouldn’t have worked without Kristen Stewart (KStew)’s Bella. In the book, the explanation for Bella’s attraction toward Edward basically begins and ends with “damn, he’s hot.” In the movie, they do make mention of the fact that Edward is attractive (Jessica, Bella’s friend, says “he’s gorgeous, obviously,” in case the audience missed that fact), but that doesn’t really seem to be what attracts her to him.

KStew’s Bella is just as touched in the head as RPatz’ Edward: the more Edward tries to push her away, the more she pursues him, and the more dangerous he is revealed to be, the more attracted to him she becomes. They’re both self destructive, both rushing into a relationship that will, in all likelihood, end their lives as they know them, because it’s the only thing that makes them feel alive.

One of the best illuminations of this is in the infamous meadow scene, where Edward and Bella finally have a candid discussion about Edward’s unique condition. Edward backs Bella up against a tree, caging her in his arms; he moans that he can’t tell what she is thinking, and begs her to tell him. Bella says, simply, “I’m afraid,” and the look on Edward’s face is heartbreaking. He stumbles backward, and tries to mask his emotions, but it is clear that her words have devastated him. Even though he has been trying to convince her to stay away from him, even though he is himself convinced that he will destroy her, he never actually thought that she would reject him. But then Bella comes close, touches his face, and says, “I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid of losing you.”

It’s this interplay that makes the story work. The movie isn’t long enough to make true love believable, but it is long enough to make obsession understandable. Both Bella and Edward are mysteries that need to be solved, an mix of danger and romance that is irresistible to both of them. This is made most clear in the hospital scene; when Edward tells Bella that she should go to live with her mother, to get away from him, she isn’t even able to make a coherent reply. All she can do is stutter “what are you saying,” and “I don’t understand,” and “no,” over and over again, and when Edward relents, and tells her that he will never leave her, nor send her away, Bella says firmly, “you can never say that again.” This may have been the best moment of acting in the entire film; it totally conveyed the depth of Bella’s devotion to – and dependency on – Edward Cullen. As far as Bella is concerned, without him, she is nothing.

I still maintain that this is fantastically unhealthy, and I think the reason RPatz and KStew were so god in their roles was the fact that they understood that it was unhealthy. They didn’t try to find the redeeming qualities in their characters; rather, they embraced their flaws, and played them for all they were worth.

The fugue between fate and free will is also an interesting theme. Although it isn’t said outright until the very end, a lot of what happens in Twilight is driven by the fact that Alice, Edward’s clairvoyant (and awesome) adopted sister, foresees that Bella will one day be a vampire. Edward clings desperately to the hope that his sister is wrong, that he will be strong enough to be with Bella and leave her human. Bella, on the other hand, fervently hopes that Alice is right, that she will one day be with Edward forever. Edward sees Alice’s vision as a curse, and is fighting to change it, while Bella sees it as a promise, an clings to it hopefully.

It’s cold out these nights, and I’ve been sleeping in a sweatshirt to keep warm. I’ve also added blanket after blanket to the pile atop my bed, making a comfy little nest of not freezing. Anyway, I woke up this morning, threw off my covers, and rolled out of bed… and stopped, confused, because I wasn’t wearing my sweatshirt.

I knew I didn’t forget to put it on or anything; I’ve worn a sweatshirt every night for at least a couple of months. It’s like brushing my teeth or taking off my glasses; putting it on is just one of those things that I do before I go to bed.

I looked around the room, and finally found the missing item: folded up and placed on my chair. Apparently, at some point during the night, I woke up, decided that I was too hot, took of my sweatshirt, folded it, and put it on the chair.

It’s the folding that bothers me. This wasn’t just some quick “sit up, tear it off, and throw it” thing; this required deliberate, conscious action, and I have absolutely no memory of it whatsoever.

This makes me wonder what else I’ve been doing in the night. I’ve read about people that sleep-eat, but I don’t keep a whole lot of food in the house. I dated a girl that sleep-walked, but I haven’t woken up anywhere unusual. But there are a lot of other things that I could be doing, especially since I keep my computer right by where I sleep. Have I been writing random, profanity-laden blogs? Have I been sending inappropriate emails to former flames? Gotten abducted by aliens? I just don’t know.

I was disappointed.

Not by the movie, which I thought was a reasonably faithful translation of the source novel, which is also to say it was a trashy teen vampire romance that I have no business liking and can’t get enough of. No, I was disappointed by the fangirls.

For weeks, I’ve been reading about people from whom Twilight may as well be Holy Writ, people lining up days in advance to get thirty seconds of the actors’ time, people who literally scratch their necks so that they are bleeding^* when they get to Robert Pattinson,the poor fool duped into playing Edward, the sparkly, no-fang-having, vegetarian vampire.^**

So I was sort of hoping for a train wreck. Instead, I got a reasonably well-behaved crowd, and a reasonably well-crafted movie.

Let me share a little secret, folks. It’s a lot harder to be funny when I’m not angry. But I’m sure going to try. Here we go: the Twilight recap:

– A Darkened Theater, Packed Full of Teenage Girls –

Fangirls: Excited twitter.

The Screen: Twilight Logo!

Fangirls: Squee!

Thomas: Hopes someone passes out from sparklepire glee.

– Phoenix – Land of Sunshine and Possibilities –

Bella Swan: Ominous voiceover about her death.

Bella Swan: Ominous voiceover about her mother’s new husband.

Bella Swan: Ominous voiceover about her tiny new school .

Thomas: Ominous voiceover about being out of popcorn already.

– Forks, Washington – Land of Rain and Despair (and Vampires) –

Charlie Swan: So, your mother’s shacking up with a semi-pro baseball player, huh? That’s cool, it’ll give us more time to bond!

Bella Swan: Pout.

Harry Clearwater: Hi Charlie!

Jacob Black: Hi Bella!

Team Jacob: Squee!

Team Edward: Hiss!

Thomas: Fight!

– Forks High School – Population: 6 (Characters That Matter) –

Creepy Asian Kid: Hey Bella you’re the new hot thing and everybody’s interested in you but I called dibs so you’re all mine now and I already know everything about you because yay Google and how about I take you photo and do an interview for the school newspaper?

Bella Swan: Backs away cautiously.

– Forks High School Torture Room Gymnasium –

Bella Swan: Sucks at volleyball.

Mike Newton: Wow, your clumsiness is adorably hot.

Jessica Stanley: Haha… he’s mine. Touch him, and I’ll cut you. So, who do you have for fifth period?

Bella Swan: Backs away cautiously.

– Forks High School Cafeteria – Today’s Special: Sparkly Delight –

Jessica Stanley: Blah blah, that’s someone unimportant, blah blah blah, they’re also unimportant, blah blah…

A Bunch Very Pretty, Very Pale People: Walk past the window.

Fangirls: Nervous twitter.

Thomas: Wait for it…

Edward Cullen:: Slow-mo walk into frame.

Fangirls: Squee!

---

Alice: is adorable.

Jasper: has bug-eyes.

Emmet: is big.

Rosalie: would look better if they hadn’t cast a Mexican to play the icy blond.

Thomas: will totally fight Jasper for Alice’s affections.

All of This Movie’s Characterization: Is complete.

– Forks High School Biology Class – The Mating Habits of the Socially Awkward Vampire–

Bella Swan: Slow-mo wind-blown hair powers activate!

Edward Cullen: Gag!

Bella Swan: Sniffs her hair awkwardly.

– Forks High School Parking Lot of Destiny –

Careening Van of Death: Careens toward Bella death-ily.

Bella Swan: Blank stare.

Edward Cullen: Super vampire saving the smelly girl powers activarte!

Bella Swan: Blanker stare.

– Forks Blood Bank Hospital –

Carlisle Cullen: Strikes a pose.

Fangirls: SQUEE!

Thomas: Two-timers!

---

Bella Swan: Howdidyoudothatiknowyouhaveasecrettellmetellmetellme

Edward Cullen: Angry stare.

Bella: Um, okay then, see you in biology.

– Fork High School Caffeteria – Today’s Special: Awkward with a Side of Stalker–

Edward Cullen: I want to be your friend!

Bella Swan: Squee!

Edward Cullen: You have to stay away from me!

Bella Swan: Pout!

Edward Cullen: I’m obsessed with you!

Thomas: You’ve got that right. Mutter, grumble.

Bella Swan: Squee!

Bella Swan: Should be backing away cautiously.

---

I Love You I Hate You Run Away Come Here: Is an oft-repeated theme.

I Love You I Hate You Run Away Come Here: Really, really repeated.

– Seattle, Washington – Rape Capital of the North West –

Bella Swan: Goes walking down a dark alley in a strange city.

Evil Drunk Wannabe Rapists: Crowd around Bella menacingly.

Edward Cullen: TO THE RESCUE!

Robert Pattinson: Does his best to appear menacing.

The Actors Playing Evil Drunk Wannabe Rapists: Are polite enough to act scared and run away anyhow.

– Bella’s Lair of Seduction Bedroom –

Bella Swan: Hangs out in her room in her underwear.^****

Edward Cullen: Hey Bella!

Bella Swan: How did you get in here?

Edward Cullen: Oh, just snuck in through the window.

Bella Swan: Erk?

Edward Cullen: Hey, it’s no big deal. I mean, I’ve just been sneaking into your room every night for the last two months to watch you sleep.“^*****

Thomas: “ARG! AHH! YUUURGH! GAH! Aneurism.

– The Lost Woods Vampire Baseball Stadium –

Vampire Baseball: Is played. ^******

Evil Black Vampire: I have great abs!

Evil White Vampire: I was in Fight Club for Teens!

Evil Chick Vampire: I have great hair!

Bella Swan: I’m tasty!

The Cullens: Collective facepalm.

– Various Exciting Locations, Like the Cullen Garage and Some Hotel Lobby –

Some More Stuff: Happens.

Thomas: Is tired.

The Plot: Doesn’t really matter anyway.

---

Teen Fight Club Vampire: Oh, help me Bella, I, your mother, have been kidnapped by a hot, sort of naked vampire, and if you don’t come to the ballet studio, alone, without telling anyone, I think he’s going to kill me! </girly-voice>

Bella Swan: Falls for it.

Teen Fight Club Vampire: Throwing Bella through a mirror powers activate!

Teen Fight Club Vampire: Snapping Bella’s leg powers activate!

Teen Fight Club Vampire: Biting Bella and turning her into a vampire powers activate!

Edward Cullen: Arriving thirty seconds too late powers activate!

Bella Swan: Vampire seizure.

Teen Fight Club Vampire: Punch!

Edward Cullen: Bite!

The Cullens: Appear!

Alice Cullen: Super vampire ripping your head off because you’re a big meanie and I’m awesome powers activate!

Thomas: Is in love.

---

Carlise Cullen: Edward, you must suck the vampire-turning-into-poison out of Bella’s arm!

Edward Cullen: But she’s so tasty I don’t think I’ll be able to resist and I love her and eating her isn’t really the way to show a girl you love her!

Alice Cullen: Actually…

Carlise Cullen: Anyway, you have to do it, Edward! Suck like you’ve never sucked before!

Edward Cullen: Sucks.

Fangirls: Squee! Giggle! Squee!

Bella Swan: Does not turn into a vampire.

– Forks Hospital – We Specialize in Forging Accident Reports –

Bella Swan’s Grievous Injuries: Are neatly explained away by Edward’s enabler… erm… father.

– Forks High School Prom – Cash Bar –

Jacob Black: Hey Bella! I’m just here to set up the next movie!

Team Jacob: Squee!

Team Edward: Hiss!

Edward Cullen: Geeze, I leave you alone for two minutes and the wolves descend.

Thomas: Sees what you did there.

---

Bella Swan: Make me a vampire.

Edward Cullen: Okay.

Bella Swan: Really? Squee!

Edward Cullen: Haha, no. We’re totally going to stretch this out for three more movies.

Bella Swan: Sadface.

Thomas: Sadface.

---

The Movie: Ends happily.

Evil Vampire Chick: Looks on menacingly.

The Movie: Ends with a cliffhanger.

No fangirls were harmed in the production of this blog.

—

^*I am not, sadly, making that up. Some chicks actually cut themselves for Rob, because Rob is Edward, and Edward likes blood, right?

^**I’m not making that up, either. The vampires in Stephanie Meyer’s universe don’t have fangs, the”good” vampires cal themselves vegetarians because they only eat animals, not humans, and sunlight doesn’t kill them, it makes them… sparkle. Like they were dipped in glitter.

^***Seriously. I’m not making that up.

^****Do you really do this? Sit around in your underwear? Because it seems kind of common in the movies, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s just a ploy to distract the boys from the fact that we’ve been dragged to another chick flick.

^*****I am. Not. Making. That. Up.

^******Not making that up, either

Tonight’s rage is inspired by the music industry. Not, as one might expect, the RIAA’s war on the internet, but by this:

I don’t know a whole lot about Hilary Duff. But I am confident in making one guess: she has not put out enough music to require a Best Of album. If you haven’t been making music for like twenty years already, you don’t have enough in your catalog to make a Best Of album. Get back in the studio, and stop trying to coast.Also, why is it that every single actor in the entire bloody world believes that they are also musicians? I mean, take a look at this:

That’s Hayden Panettiere. I have no idea how to pronounce her name, so I just call her “The Cheerleader Who Can’t Die On That Show I Can’t Be Bothered To Watch Anymore.” But that’s beside the point. The point is that she’s singing. Her first single is called “Wake Up Call,” and it seems to be about her plans to cheat on her boyfriend… so he will pay more attention to her. That’s… swell.Also, I’m kind of bothered by the fact that Vamp is the New Hot Trend. And by Vamp I don’t mean

or because those are awesome. I’m not talking about the fangy, blood-sucking undead. I’m talking about… well, this: and this: Look. I get the whole “I want to look like an adult so that they’ll take me seriously” thing. But if you want to look like an adult, here are a couple of tips:1. Be an adult. What are you, twelve? Give your mother her lipstick and eyeshadow back. You obviously don’t know how to use it yet.

2. “Frightening” isn’t “adult,” it’s “scary.” If you’re more intimidating than me, there’s a problem.

“And I’ve just been informed that we’re leaving the Baltimore Ravens at the New York Giants for a more competitive game.”

Wait, what?

You’re leaving the game I’ve been watching for the last hour and fifty minutes to show me the last five minutes of a game I have no interest in, and no emotional investment in?

Seriously?

You’re going to prevent me from watching the end of the game, you’re going to prevent me from watching the defending World Champions, you’re going to prevent me from watching the team in my home market because it isn’t competitive enough?

Because the people in New York are, what, bored by watching their team beat up another team? Because we’d rather watch the freaking Falcons?

Whoever made this decision should be fired. And sterilized. Because their stupidity should not be allowed to contaminate the gene pool.

I just got my quarterly status report on my 401(k). I would like to thank the President, Congress, and all of the people on Wal Street that came together to make this report possible. Unfortunately, the only words that can adequately express my gratitude are profane, blasphemous, and potentially illegal, so I must refrain. But be cure, you are in my thoughts. My angry, evil thoughts.

I’ve wanted a red hoodie for a long, long time. I have a bunch of hoodies, from the basic black, through the basic black with fuzzy wool lining, and toping out at a white Westling hoodie, but the red one has eluded me.

Until, one marvelous day, I stumbled upon one. It was a nice one, too, a beautiful shade of crimson with, just perhaps, if the lighting was right and your eyes were receptive, a hint of maroon. And it was like twenty bucks. All was well in the land of Thomas.

Now, less than a month later, there is a six inch gash of mysterious origin running down the left arm. I don’t remember catching it on anything, and I certainly don’t remember getting into a knife fight while wearing it, so the source of this defect remains a mystery. All I know is that my wonderful red hoodie is now laying in my pile of work clothes.

This is why I can’t have pretty things.

I was wandering through Barnes and Noble the other day, as is my habit, and I stumbled across a table bearing a sign which read “Porn for Women,” and a display of mostly naked, mostly African men. This was, of course, right next to the table marked “Religion and Inspiration.” This doesn’t make me angry so much as it makes me giggle inappropriately.

While I was watching football a couple of weeks ago, one of the players had an interview where he talked about being a black belt in Kung Fu. The belt system is a purely Japanese concept, though it has been adopted by other nations since. However, Kung Fu inspired the Japanese systems, not the other way around. When you hear someone talking about being a black belt in Kung Fu, you can be sure of one of two things: he’s lying, or his sifu is.

Finally, the fact that I couldn’t find a parking spot at the gym tonight, and the fact that when I finally did, there was aline of people 20 deep at the desk? Hate.

Today’s tip: stand in front of a mirror, with your hands at your sides.  If you can see the backs of your hands (as opposed to the “C” formed by you thumb and pointer finger), your rear shoulder muscles are too weak.  More pullups and rows for you.

Monday
Deadlift: 15 singles @ 275lbs.

MetCon:
Chinups: 5
Dips: 20
Drop Lunges: 20 per leg
Dumbbell Swings: 20 @ 45lbs.
Pikes: 20
5 circuits

Thursday
Military Press: 3×5 @ 95lbs.

MetCon:
Chinups: 5
Pushups: 20
Lunges: 20 per leg
One Arm Dumbbell Snatch: 20 @ 45lbs.
Axe Handle Situp: 20 @ 25lbs.
5 circuits

Friday
MetCon:
Chinups: 5
Dips: 20
Drop Lunges: 20 per leg
Sntach: 5 @ 95lbs.
Pikes: 20
5 circuits

A “Drop Lunge” is similar to a regular lunge, except you step backwards, instead of forwards. It looks almost like a wrestler’s sprawl. Which gets a lot of interesting looks in the gym.

A friend asked me what I thought about tween- and teen- aged girls reading Twilight yesterday, and I’ve been mulling that over ever since. Now, I’m neither a parent nor a teacher (or a teenage girl, for that matter), but not knowing what I’m talking about has never stopped me from pontificating before, so here are my official thoughts on the moral ramifications of Twilight.

Spoilers abound hereafter, so if you haven’t read the books and want to be surprised, this isn’t a good article for you.

One of the reasons Twilight is so popular with the adult set is that it is rather clean. The language is tame; I don’t think a character even says “oh my God,” which is a reflection of Stephanie Myer’s faith. The suspense isn’t particularly terrifying, and the violence, while present, isn’t particular gruesome, except for one scene in the fourth book, where Bella (the heroine), pregnant with Edward’s (the hero and vampire) child, has to have an emergence C-Section, and Edward, due to the special nature of the birth, has to use his teeth to cut through her womb. This whole scene is just… yeah. The way that the book deals with sex is also rather chaste. Bella and Edward do not consummate their relationship until after they have been properly married, despite Bella’s protests.

So, when someone says that there’s nothing bad in Twilight, they’re right… sort of. While there is nothing explicit in the material, the subtext is, frankly, horrifying.

Edward is the ultimate Byronic hero: self loathing and self destructive, but beautiful, poetic, and romantic. He is the epitome of Troubled but Cute and the Rebel with a Heart of Gold.

His actions over the course of the first story are honestly frightening. In my favorite example, he actually breaks into Bella’s room to watch her sleep – without her knowledge, and before they are even in a relationship. He is controlling, manipulative, and dismissive towards Bella. He wavers back and forth between being openly hostile towards her, ignoring her, and professing his undying love for her.

And as I keep repeating, these things are not romantic, they are warning signs. I’ve known a lot of guys like Edward in real life, and these situations never end well.

The thing is, Twilight is a fantasy. We know that Edward is the good guy, we know that he and Bella are supposed to end up together. We know that he will never hurt her, and we know that they will end up happily ever after.

The problem occurs when this fantasy meets up with reality. In reality, when a guy is a jerk to you one moment, and professing his undying love the next, it isn’t because he’s trying to protect you from his own dark nature, it’s because he’s a jerk. In reality, when a guy is manipulative and controlling, it isn’t because he is trying to save you from an immortal blood-drinker who has sworn your destruction, it’s because he thinks of you as his property. In reality, when a guy breaks into your home to watch you sleep, it’s because he’s not right in the head. In reality, when a young girl throws herself physically at the Troubled Loner, he is not going to gently rebuff her offer in an attempt to maintain her virtue.

So, I think Twilight has the potential to set young girls up for disappointment, and possibly even trouble. So, should you let your young girls read them?

Well, here’s the thing.

Our Senior Pastor gave a talk on alcohol the other morning, and one of the things he referred to was prohibition. The US Government spent millions of dollars and countless man-hours trying to fight something that the people were going to do anyway. Furthermore, labeling something “forbidden” only serves to make it more appealing; if you tell your girls that they can’t read Twilight, it’s going to make them want to read it even more.

And while the thought of girls sneaking out behind the school to read a trashy paranormal romance kind of makes me giggle, I also think it’s sort of unnecessary. I’m not a real advocate of shielding people from the truth. Sooner or later, they are going to be exposed to something that you don’t like and that you can’t control. I think Twilight falls into that category. It isn’t so destructive that you need to seek out every copy and burn it, but it does have the potential to be destructive enough that you need to be able to discuss it intelligently.

So that’s my advice. If your girl wants to read Twilight, let her… but read it yourself, too, and be prepared to discuss the difference between fantasy and reality.

This morning, I find myself at a rare loss for words.

I am not, generally, a happy man. I am not, generally, a positive man. My focus tends to be on the things that are wrong, on the battles than need to be won.

For me, this election has been about negatives. It has been about a disastrous economic policy, a ruinous domestic policy, and a murderous foreign policy. This election has been about everything that has gone wrong in the last eight years.

But for Barack Hussein Obama, this election has been about how we can best fix them.

Over the last eight years, I have watched a needless war, an economic collapse, and the politics of fear becoming the de facto language in our nation’s capital. Over the last few months, I’ve watched as racism and ignorance were used for political gain.

And last night, I watched America reject all of those things.

Last night, I watched as America elected the first black man to the office of President of the United States. Last night, I watched as America elected an intelligent, intellectual man to the highest office in the nation. Last night, I watched America choose change, choose hope.

I looked at an America flag this morning, and I honestly wanted to weep. That flag has never stood for war or for greed. The American flag has always stood for what is best about human nature, for the belief that if we are allowed to choose our own destiny, we will choose freedom and responsibility and equality. And although there have been missteps along the way, and although there are still battles to be fought and freedoms to be won, America has stood as a city on a hill, an example to the world.

Looking at that flag, and realizing what my country -men and -women had done, I felt, for the first time in a long time, that America could be great again. Looking at that flag, I believe that we had the courage to own our mistakes and the will to correct them. Looking at that flag, I believed, truly believed, that this collection of tired, poor, and huddled masses could be great, because we are free and we are united.

Barack Hussein Obama is not the Messiah, and America is not perfect. But we have been blessed, truly, undeniably blessed, to be born into this nation at this time, and this morning, I feel something that I haven’t felt in a long time.

Hope.