This poster for Twilight: New Moon is fan made, but it confirms two things:

One, casting Dakota Fanning as the evil vampire Jane was a fantastic decision. And two, Dakota Fanning is the most terrifying eleven year old on the planet.

My workouts as of late have been kind of lackluster; I’ve been plagued with a series of nagging injuries, ranging from what I think was a stress fracture in my foot, to a hyperextended elbow, and ending with something that I did to my back that made my right lat feel like it was rolling up underneath itself when I turned to the side, and compounded by a raging case of the “hell with its.” I’m mostly recovered, and looking forward to not sucking and failing at life for a little while. Here’s what I did tonight:

Chins: 5 reps
Pushups: 10 reps
Dumbbell Swings: 40 lbs, 10 reps
Pikes: 10 reps
5 circuits for time

This is a nice, quick workout – more maintenance for me than anything, but I’m just getting back into it – and pretty effective for all around physical development. You get a pull, a push, an explosive leg movement, and an ab movement, as well as a cardio workout.

The whole thing took less than 15 minutes. It had to, because I got to the gym at 7:40, and the place closes its doors at 8:00. I had no choice but to throw myself at it, and work as fast as I could.

Which gives lie to the whole “I don’t have time to work out” thing. This took fifteen minutes, folks, and unless you’re following a program designed by someone that knows what they’re doing (like Crossfit or a T-Muscle program), it’s more effective than what you normally see in a gym. Even if you count the time it took me to drive to and from the gym, and shower afterward, it still took less than an hour.

So come on, people. Five Guys is coming to Utica. Earn those hamburgers.

There are a bunch of frightening movies coming out this year, and it’s a toss-up as to which will be the most frightening. Haloween 2? The Nightmare on Elm Street reboot? Saw VI (they made five of those already)? Twilight: New Moon?

No. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the most frightening thing you will see in movie theaters this decade:

The Cheshire Cat, from Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. Have fun never sleeping again.

Well, you’ve finally done it; you’ve opened a Facebook account! On behalf of the internet, I would like to welcome you to the later half of 2006, and take this opportunity to show you around.

A Bit Of History

Facebook was founded in 2004 by a Harvard computer science student named Mark Zuckerberg, who was looking for a way to vent his thoughts about some girl. The name “Facebook” is a reference to the printed book some colleges give incoming students, with the names and photos of everyone in their class. So, yes, Facebook actually is intended as a means of stalking attractive females that are too intimidating for you to actually talk to.

Facebook was originally limited to Harvard students, then to all college students. Later, it was opened up to high school students, as well, and eventually, anyone with a valid email address was allowed to join. Now all of our parents have accounts, a fact which terrifies us, and makes many of us wish that we had been more careful about taking off our clothes in public.

Finding Friends

Facebook is all about “friends,” but don’t let that term fool you. You don’t have to actually like the people you connect with on Facebook, or even know them. Facebook is like a game, and the person with the most digital “friends” wins, so don’t be shy!

You’ll probably want to ease into the friending process at first, by sending requests to your real-life friends and coworkers, and that is an excellent place to start. But why stop there? Click on your friends’ friend lists, and start friending their friends, too! Some of them are bound to say yes, even if its just out of pity!

Once those avenues have been exhausted, its time for a trip down memory lane. The girl that broke your heart in college? She probably has a Facebook, and really wants to know that you’ve managed to heal and move on, even if you still sometimes stare at her faded photograph while you cry yourself to sleep. The guy you bullied all through high school? Probably dying to hear from you! The guy that bullied you? I bet he’s now a stable, mature, and productive member of society that would love to be your Facebook friend!

From there, the sky’s the limit! Ask the girl checking you out at the Gap to friend you! If your waitress is cute, write your Facebook URL on the check! Soon, the whole world, or at least the attractive people, can be your friend!

Quizzes

Based on a scientific study of the first five entries of my Facebook homepage, I’ve determined that Quizzes are the only reason anybody ever uses Facebook. And if they’re that popular, you should use them, too! And make sure to invite all your friends!

Quizzes, which were all designed by highly trained psychologists and implemented by first rate computer scientists, use the latest in neural-cognative research to steal your credit card data… I mean, tell you what color Unicorn you are, or what Harry Potter character you are meant to marry.

(I’m supposed to marry Ron Weasley. Shut up.)

Pay no attention to the fact that Quizzes require access to all of your personal data in order to tell you what your Totem Animal is (I’m a panda), or that they’re run by ShadyRussianScamArtists.com. Remember, Facebook is the friendliest place on the internet!

Photos

Next, you’ll want to start producing content for all of your friends to consume. I recommend starting with photos, because pretty much everyone has a camera phone, and pictures don’t require the same amount of skill as a video or a note (more on those later).

The purpose of Facebook Photos is to show your adventurous, fun side. Maybe you have to wear a suit and tie to work every day, but at night… it’s time to show your digital friends that you are still “hip to the max” and “cool to the extreme.” In that vein, I recommend the following:

1. Public Drunkenness
2. Public Nudity (usually precipitated by #1)
3. Inappropriate Acts of a Vaguely Sexual Nature (usually precipitated by #1 and #2)

And if you can somehow work these three together, while skipping work (or Jury Duty), so much the better. Let your rebel flag fly!

“Yeah, I can’t come in to work today. I have a… family emergency… yeah, that’s it.”

Videos

Now that you’ve mastered the art of sharing Photos on Facebook, it’s time to make those pictures move! It’s time to share a Video! Videos on Facebook typically fall into one of these categories:

1. Stuff you stole from CollegeHumor.com
2. Attempts to win the Darwin Awards
3. Awkward political screeds
4. Professions of Undying Love for Edward Cullen

Remember, on the internet, everyone can be a celebrity!

Notes

Notes, or as the rest of the damn internet calls them, “blogs,” aren’t as popular as Photos and Videos, because it takes a lot of work to write them, and a lot of work to read them. I mean, there’s all these… words… and stuff, and usually not a whole lot of nudity, so the signal to noise ratio is kind of low. But, if you have a writer’s spirit, Notes were made for you! Possible topics include:

1. Passive Aggressive Notes. Why sit down and have a serious talk with someone that offended you, when you can just vent your frustrations all over the internet? I mean, we’re all friends here, right?

2. A Detailed Account of Your Banal Day. What did you have for breakfast? Lunch? Snack? Dinner? Has the woman three cubes down stopped playing Nights In White Satin yet? Did you forget to turn the iron off this morning? The internet needs to know!

3. (Random Number) Random Things About Me. These are really popular right now, and give you the perfect opportunity to tell perfect strangers all about your love of Captain Crunch and fear of spiders. Or love of spiders and fear of Captain Crunch. Whatever does it for you.

4. Emo Poetry. Women love a man with a sensitive side. Use your Facebook notes to show the world that you’re not afraid to cry. Frequently. At the slightest provocation.

5. Veiled Threats at Suicide. Do you feel unloved, unrecognized, and undervalued? Was the reaction to your heartfelt emo poetry less than what you expected? Drop a cryptic note about “how hard life has become,” and hint that “it will all be over soon,” and watch the love come flowing in!

Stalking

We come to it at last, the very reason for which Facebook, nay, the internet itself, was created: stalking that cute girl that you almost met at that party last night, except she’s so hot that you got all scared, and your palms started sweating, and then your throat got all dry, and then you broke our in hives and had to go away.

Love, it has been said, is a battlefield, and you may be left with the feeling that you are something less than a four-star general. Fear not, good friend: Facebook is here to turn you into a romantic SEAL! Soon, you will be victorious in the Sea, in the Air, and in Love!

The first step is to find the object of your affection. Your best bet is to look through Photo albums of the party where you saw her. Here’s a hint: if you or a friend was tagged in an album, you can view every picture there, so make sure you have a lot of digital friends who go to parties!

Look through the photos, keeping a lookout for her heavenly visage. And once you’ve found her, hover your mouse over her face, and hope to all that you regard as holy that someone tagged her. If they did, and a name pops up, you’re in the game!

The next step is the hardest part: you have to send her a friend request. This will be scary, because it carries the risk of rejection, but you have two things going in your favor. No, not your good looks and charm; if you had those, you’d be waking up next to her right now, not reading my freaking blog. No, you have the fact that you’ve already friended everyone within a hundred miles, making this seem like one more casual request, and the fact that every girl on the internet is a wanton, digital hussy. It’s true, I’ve seen the photos.

Waiting for her to accept your friend request will be a difficult, trying experience. To pass the time, I recommend reloading your Facebook home page every ten seconds, waiting for that magic little “Hot Chick has accepted your friend request” notification to pop up.

Once you’re DBFF (Digital Best Friends Forever), send her a casual wall post. Nothing big, a simple “Hey, thanks for friending me. What did you think of the party?” will do. Just establish that you have common interests, and that you aren’t a raving internet stalker. Yes, this is a lie. But it’s a useful lie, so that makes it okay.

While you’re waiting for her to respond, it’s time to do some research. Now that you’re her friend, you can read all of her notes, look at all of her pictures, and watch all of her videos. The Quizzes and Random Things About Me will be invaluable in building your dossier; you can mine these for all kinds of info, from her favorite bands to her favorite colors. You may also want to take this opportunity to save off your favorite photos of her. Facebook photos are kind of small, so they are sadly unsuitable for use as a desktop background, but you can always make a collage! That shows both dedication and an artistic side. What girl wouldn’t fall in love with that?

Eventually, she’ll probably respond to your post, usually something like “Haha, kinda lame. BTW, who r u? Did we meet?”

Now, it’s time to use all of the information you’ve gathered to your advantage. Your response can be short, simple, and perfectly tailored to her tastes. For example:

“No, not really. I left early, ’cause the part sucked (showing you have similar opinions). I was the tall guy with the nice arms (she likes tall guys with nice arms). You might see me around campus, listening to Coldplay (her favorite band) in my old red (her favorite color) t-shirt, after a quick game of soccer (her favorite sport).”

She will, without a doubt, fall instantly in love with you. And if she says something like “WTF, did you read my whole profile or something? Creeper.” don’t worry, she’s just playing hard to get. Keep at it, champ, and soon, Hot Chick will be yours!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Cleans up real nice.

Batman: Is kind of annoying in this one. And named “Melvin.”

Three Piece Suits, Fedoras, and Tommy Guns: Are awesome.

A Bank Gets robbed.

A Dame: Gets picked up.

This Movie: Goes on and on and on and on and oh sweet God please just make it stop.

God: Ignores my pleas.

This Movie: Is like fourteen hours long, and nothing happens.

The Credits: Roll.

Thomas: Thanks God that it’s finally over.

To paraphrase a friend of mine: There were too many giant freaking robots? There were too many explosions? What did you go to Transformers for?

–

Sam Witwicky: Has a smoking hot girlfriend, a late-model Camaro that turns into a giant freaking robot, and close, personal ties to the leader of an alien civilization.

Every Boy in the Audience: wants Sam Witwicky’s life.

Sam Witwicky: “Eh, this is played out. Off to college I go! No, none of you can come with me… why would I want you to come with me?”

Every Boy in the Audience: facepalm.

A Piece of the Allspark: Turns all of the appliances in Sam’s house into tiny little deathbots with the maturity of a frat house and enough ordinance to level a city block.

The Audience: “If the Allspark turns everything into mechanized Satan, why are the Autobots so good?”

Michael Bay: “Boobs! Robots! Explosions!”

The Audience: “Right. Carry on then.”

–

Totally Human College Girl: “Hi! I’m unreasonably attractive! Also, a huge slut!”

Sam Witwicky: “The Jehovah’s Witnesses were right… God really does love me.”

Totally Human College Girl: Is a robot. In disguise!

The Terminator Franchise: “Um, pardon us, not to be rude and all, but we both have movies out this summer, and just so the audience doesn’t get confused, we felt the need to point out that we’re the robots disguised as humans, you’re the robots disguised as cars.”

Michael Bay: “Boobs! Robots! Explosions!”

The Terminator Franchise: “Right. Carry on then.”

–

The Decepticons: Use a piece of the Allspark to bring Megatron back to life.

Megatron: Tries to extract the location of the ancient sun killing machine from Sam Witwicky’s head, using a rusty old screwdriver and some Duck Tape.

The Audience: “Wait, ancient sun killing machine? The location of which is stored in Sam’s head?”

The Plot: “Look, we both know I’m just an excuse for -”

Michael Bay: “Boobs! Robots! Explosions!”

The Plot: “- so let’s just go with it, okay?”

The Audience: “Right. Carry on then.”

Optimus Prime: Dies protecting Sam.

Sam Witwicky: “Noooooooooooooo!”</vader>

–

Sam Witwicky: Uses the Allspark to bring an old Decepticon, who’s now an Autobot, but still grumpy, back to life, so that he can interpret the Cybertronian symbols Sam has stuck in his head, so that Sam can find the Matrix of Leadership, so that he can bring Optimus back to life, so that Optimus can stop The Fallen (Megatron’s BFF) from using the Matrix of Leadership to activate Ancient Sun Killing Machine – which is hidden under a pyramid – in order to harvest sweet, delicious Energon. Oh, and kill the entire human race.

The Audience: “Wait… I mean… what?”

The Plot: Throws the script up in the air and walks away.

Michael Bay: “Boobs! Robots! Explosions!”

The Audience: “Right. Carry on then.”

–

The Last Half Hour of the Movie: Is an epic tour de force, wherein almost fifty giant freaking robots battle each other, and the US Military, using nothing but the power of distilled awesome. Highlights include Devastator, an amalgamation of five smaller robots who combine to form a giant robot-eating, pyramid leveling, world ending monstrosity with wrecking ball testicles (literally), Sam Witwicky going to Robot Heaven (literally) and being given the real Matrix of Leadership by the Ghosts of the Dead Primes (literally), Optimus Prime being raised from the dead and given a jet-pack (literally) and a license to kick all manner of metallic hind quarters, all of Egypt being blown up in what must have been the most expensive explosion in the history of cinema, and Megan Fox running in slow motion.

Michael Bay: Spreads his hands wide. “Boobs. Robots. Explosions.”

The Audience: Slow clap, building to thunderous applause.

–

Every Critic in the World: Sniffs their nose snootily.

Every Critic in the World: “Transformers 2 just wasn’t high-brow enough for us. We expect more from our two and a half hour long toy commercials.

A Team of Proctologists: Goes looking for the giant stick lodged up the critics’ bums.

US Treasury: “Guys? Bay’s got a license to print money again. Looks like we’re gonna be here all weekend. Who wants to order pizza?”