Confucius say too much. -Recent Chinese Proverb (via Slashdot)

On September 30, 2005, Danish cartoonist Kurt Westergaard published the following cartoon, depicting the Muslim prophet Muhammad:

This “crime,” blasphemy against Islam and their prophet, led to calls for Westergaard’s death, as well as widespead violence; in all, more than one hundred people died in the riots sparked by this “blasphemy.”

In memory of these events, today, September 30th, 2009, is International Blasphemy Day, where supporters of free thought and free speech around the globe unite to declare that the freedom of expression trumps the freedom to not be offended.

Happy Blasphemy Day, everyone. Allah doesn’t exist, and Muhammad was probably schizophrenic.

Producer: Okay, Elena…

Nina Dobrev: Um, my real name’s Nina…

Producer: That’s great, sweetheart. So, Elena, why don’t you just kind of lay back, and try to look sexy, and… um, slightly stoned. That’s great, that’s great. Okay, Boring Vampire…

Paul Wesley: Paul…

Producer: Whatever, why don’t you kind of hover over her, like you’re going to kiss her, but don’t actually kiss her, we want to leave them wanting more. Perfect. All right, Evil Vampire…

Ian Somerhalder: …

Producer: Wow, that one’s smart enough not to talk back, cool. So, Evil Vampire, why don’t you kind of press your lips against her throat, yeah, like you’re going to bite her, except… why don’t you… um, why don’t you lick her throat, instead.

Ian Somerhalder: Wait, what?

Nina Dobrev: Wait, what?

Producer: Yeah, go ahead, just run your tongue over her adam’s apple. No, it isn’t creepy. All the kids are doing it. Trust me. There you go. Perfect. Man this job rocks.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

Cute Young Couple: takes a break from being murdered this week. Instead, we open on:

Caroline Truitt: laying in a pool of her own blood, with two fang marks on her neck.

Damon Salvatore: Morning, babe.

Caroline Truitt: oh God vampire help sweet mother of mercy lamp smash

Damon Salvatore: Well okay then. Hey, did you change your clothes last night?

Caroline Truitt: Yes…

Damon Salvatore: So you put on a comfortable nightie, but you didn’t bother washing the blood off yourself, or, you know, going to the hospital?

Caroline Truitt: Being dead is one thing, Damon. Being unfashionable is something else entirely.

Damon Salvatore: Why do I always bite the dumb ones?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m not saying “don’t date the guy,” I’m just saying… well, okay, I’m saying “don’t date the guy.”

Elena Gilbert: But you were just telling me to jump his bones! Why the sudden change of heart?

Bonnie Bennet: Because I had a psychic vision that he was a mass murdering monster come to sow death and pain in our idyllic little town.

Elena Gilbert: Oooookay then…

Tyler Lockwood: Hey, watch me embarrass New Boy by throwing this football at him!

Stefan Salvatore: Vampire football catching powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, I’ve never seen someone catch a football before! Will you sire my offspring?

Stefan Salvatore: Erm…

Elena Gilbert: Okay, no siring just yet. How about dinner? I can cook you some totally bloodless human food!

Stefan Salvatore: Erm…

Elena Gilbert: And you can hang out with my best friend who thinks your a demon!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Elena Gilbert: Great! See you at nine!

Annoying History Teacher: Gah, you are all so stupid! How can you not even know the date on which the Civil Rights Act freed the Madagascar Slaves from their Moorish Oppressors? Why am I cursed to suffer your unfailing ignorance?

Stefan Salvatore: It was in 1873. And you’re a douche.

Annoying History Teacher and Stefan Salvatore: engage in a stirring battle of wits, where Annoying History Teacher names a random historical event, and Stefan Salvatore recites the year in which it occurred. The history class is applauding at the end of this. Because if High School taught me anything, it’s that teenagers love it when a brainy kid shows off in class.

Thomas: is not bitter.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, why are you staring longingly at the football team?

Stefan Salvatore: I’m not gay!

Elena Gilbert: I… just thought you missed playing. You know, football.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, right. Yes. Totally that. Totally want to play. Football. With the men. The young… rugged…

Elena Gilbert: Erm…

Damon Salvatore: Blah blah blah, I’m so evil.

Stefan Salvatore: Blah blah blah, I’m so emo.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: You guy should totally kiss right now.

Bonnie Bennet: I keep seeing the numbers 8, 14, and 22. This is going to be an important plot point later on, so remember that. Also, I psychically know where you keep the silverware.

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie, you should have seen it! Taylor threw a ball at Stefan today, and Stefan totally caught it!

Bonnie Bennet: That’s… so special. Hey, my grandmother was a witch!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, that’s so cool. The Salem Witches were heroic examples of individualism, and non-conformity.

Thomas: swears that that’s an exact quote. Seriously. And they bought it.

Damon Salvatore and Caroline Truitt: Surprise! We’re crashing!

Stefan Salvatore: Don’t invite him in!

Elena Gilbert: Come on in!

Damon Salvatore: Score!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Caroline Truitt: Hey, let’s talk about Elena’s dead parents, and how she’s such a drag now!

Damon Salvatore: No, let’s talk about Stefan’s dead girlfriend, and how he’s such a drag now!

Stefan Salvatore: face. palm.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Are about to Get It On, when suddenly, Stefan turns into Damon! And Elena wakes up gasping! It was all a dream! A hot, steamy dream! Oh no, is she going to be torn between two loves? (Hint: yes.)

Elena Gilbert: So, I quit cheer-leading. I’m a quitter.

Stefan Salvatore: No, you suffered a great loss. You’re not the same person any more. But you should be looking ahead.

Thomas: That was supposed to cheer her up? God, now I’m depressed.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, would you wear this vampire-blocking magic talisman?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, no one’s ever given me a vampire-blocking magic talisman before! swoon

Tyler Lockwood: I kill you!

Jeremy Gilbert: No, I kill you!

Stefan Salvatore: Heroic vampire fight stopping powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Oh, my druggie brother cut your hand with his broken bottle of booze!

Stefan Salvatore: No he didn’t I’m totally fine no magic vampire healing powers here look right as rain and hey the game’s starting time to go see you after bye bye.

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Elena Gilbert: Slaaaaaaap across your faaaaaaaaaace.</buffy>

Damon Salvatore: Well then.

Stefan Salvatore: There’s good in you, I can sense it!

Damon Salvatore: That’s great, Luke Skywalker. By the way: fang!

Annoying History Teacher: gets eaten

Thomas: …Is he… dead?

Some Kid: Oh God, he’s dead!

Thomas: …God bless America… land that I love… single tear

Bonnie Bennet: Look, those numbers I said I saw! I’m totally psychic!

Thomas: One, shut up, I’m busy celebrating the death of Annoying History Teacher. Two, wouldn’t it have been way more useful if you’d have actually foreseen his death, instead of a licensee plate and a sign on a door?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m totally psychic!

Thomas: Hey, Damon, are you still hungry?

Elena Gilbert: sleeps comfortably in her bed.

Damon Salvatore: keeps creepy watch over her, occasionally stroking her hair.

Edward Cullen: I did that first.

On to the next episode!

“I don’t deny that the climate is changing, but I wouldn’t say it’s like a global thing.” – Some guy I work with

What interests me most about the Nightmare on Elm Street remake is that they’re hinting at Freddy Kruger’s innocence. I’m intrigued by the idea of the demon dream killer being created by the parents’ own fear and irrationality.

Well, I hate to be a nudge, but why has America become a nation that can’t make anything bad end, like wars, farm subsidies, our oil addiction, the drug war, useless weapons programs – oh, and there’s still 60,000 troops in Germany – and can’t make anything good start, like health care reform, immigration reform, rebuilding infrastructure. -Bill Maher

My entire existence was constructed by a sociopath in a sweater vest. What do you suggest I do? -Dr. Claire Saunders

“Oh, is suicide taboo? If I broke a rule on the first day, I’d kill myself.” -Gregory House

So. Let’s talk about some definitions.

First, “Self Checkout.” You seem to have the “checkout” part down; the fact that you have a basket full of items, for which you would like to trade an agreed-upon amount of money, in a process called a “sale,” seems reasonably clear. But the “self” part, that, I’m afraid, seems to elude you.

Which is unfortunate, because the “self” part of “self checkout” is the operative part of the phrase. Without the “self,” it just becomes “checkout,” the thing that you could have done at any of the other fifteen registers, none of which I was waiting impatiently to use.

When you need someone else to work the checkout for you, it stops being “self” checkout. When you need an entire team of people to look up UPC codes and weigh things and help you figure out the admittedly complex process of “take item out of cart, scan item, place item in bag,” it stops being “self” checkout. When you need someone to talk you down from a ledge because “that thing” started “yelling at you,” it stops being “self” checkout.

Now, I know that this can all be confusing. I mean, we’ve only had barcode-scanning technology for two or three decades at this point, and I can see how you might have missed out on some of the details, and relish the opportunity to learn about this new and exciting development in the retail experience. The rest of us, however, would like to pay for our items and go away, and you’re interfering with that process.

Next, “Express Lane.” Again, the first word is the key to understanding this phrase. All of the places where you see people lining up to pay for their items qualify as “lanes,” but the word “express” implies a certain sense of urgency, a desire to proceed with some manner of speed.

So you can, hopefully, understand out distress when you ask the girl checking you out to remove a single banana from the bunch, hoping to get it to weigh exactly one pound. Really, I would have just given you the twenty five cents, if it was that important to you. And I’m sure you can see how the “express” nature of our beloved lane was muted when you decided to pay with three kinds of WIC vouchers, a fistful of food stamps, a sock full of quarters, and a wad of some strange foreign currency. And, no, they cannot accept your Price Chopper card as a valid form of ID. Yes, I know that they issued it, but they are sadly not a government agency. And no, you can’t talk to the manger. Frankly, I’m amazed you’re able to tie your shoes. Wait, those are Velcro? Well, now don’t I look silly?

Finally, “Overcompensating.” This is directed at you, the good sir driving the Camero with a racing stripe and a Hollywood muffler. While “burning rubber” in the super market parking lot may have increased your reproductive odds when you were in high school, you are now in your mid- to late- thirties, and apparently still involved in the fast food industry. I understand that this is distressing, and that your impotent rage must be nigh uncontainable, but really, no one is impressed. Not even when you beat that station wagon off the line.

“My dear fellow, I wish to thank you. I have been wrong these fifteen years.” – An unnamed professor of Zoology at Oxford University, quoted by Richard Dawkins