Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

Tyler Lockwood: is leaving the school at roughly two o’clock in the morning, for some reason.

Vicki Donovan: Hey baby, wanna neck?

Tyler Lockwood: Score!

Vicki Donovan: fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: fang block!

Vicki Donovan: sadface

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Tyler Lockwood: gets all fuzzy in the head, and then gets tossed across the parking lot.

Vicki Donovan: Hey bro, just wanted to call and let you know that I can’t tell you where I am or why I ran away, but everything is peachy keen okay, so don’t worry about me. Bye!

Matt Donovan: Well, that cryptic, forced sounding call has assuaged all my fears, and I will no longer worry about the possibility that my kid sister has become one of the undead. Time for math class!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, there’s nothing in the newspaper about that Logan guy I ate last night. WTF?

Stefan Salvatore: Famewhore.

Vicki Donovan: So, can we eat someone now?

Stefan Salvatore: No! That would be wrong, and immoral, and blah blah blah I’m such a drag!

Damon Salvatore: Don’t listen to him, he was like a nun in a past life or something. Of course we can eat someone.

Stefan Salvatore: Murder is wrong!

Damon Salvatore: We’ll just take a sip.

Stefan Salvatore: She’ll lose control!

Damon Salvatore: Man I hope so.

Stefan Salvatore: It isn’t right!

Damon Salvatore: I’m way hotter than you.

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what?

Vicki Donovan: He wins. Let’s go snack on a villager or something.

Stefan Salvatore: No people food! Here, have some Bambi-juice.

Vicki Donovan: pouts

Elena Gilbert: How can you be so arrogant and glib?

Damon Salvatore: I have great cheekbones.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Also, calling a vampire arrogant and glib? Poor life decision.

Elena Gilbert: If you wanted me dead, I would be. But I’m not.

Damon Salvatore: Yet.

Elena Gilbert: gulp

Elena Gilbert: So, the entire town is out looking for Vicki. We’re getting uncomfortably close to the “pitchforks and torches” part of the plot.

Stefan Salvatore: Well, see, Vicki is an emotionally troubled drug addict with a newfound penchant for violent throat dissection. I think I should keep her here for a while.

Vicki Donovan: But I wanna go out and play!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Vicki, how are ya?

Vicki Donovan: Dead, you?

Elena Gilbert: awkward…

Bonnie Bennet: So, were our ancestors burned at the stake in Salem?

Grandma Bennet: No, they were smart enough to ditch when they started those shenanigans. But it’s important that we stay hidden.

Bonnie Bennet: You teach a class on the occult at the local college.

Grandma Bennet: Yeah, and?

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: So, we screwed up last episode’s vampire hunt, huh? Man, if that vampire finds us, we are so screwed.

Damon Salvatore: whistles innocently

Caroline Forbes: Hey Bonnie, I got you a costume!

Bonnie Bennet: A witch? You want the girl who starts fires with her brain to dress up like a witch?

Caroline Forbes: Yep! Also, here’s that magic amulet that Damon will probably kill you to get back. It looks fantastic with your skin tone!

Stefan Salvatore: Caffeine is our friend. It circulates through our veins, and warms us, so we aren’t so cold to the touch.

Thomas: Are you freaking kidding me? Starbucks is one of the signs of vampirism now?

Elena Gilbert: So, I was thinking you shouldn’t see Jeremy any more, you know, since you kind of look at him like a snack box now.

Vicki Donovan: throat grab!

Elena Gilbert: gurgle!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you’ve been cooped up in this house all day. Wanna go outside for a bit!

Vicki Donovan: Wow, do I!

Stefan Salvatore: But she might run away! And then eat somebody!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, come on, what are the odds?

Vicki Donovan: runs away

Damon Salvatore: Huh. My bad.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you’re a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, right?

A Member Of The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: What? No!

Damon Salvatore: <whisper>I can score you some anti-vampire pot…</whisper>

The Plot: thickens

Tonight: is Halloween.

Elena Gilbert: is a sexy nurse.

Matt Donovan: is a bloody doctor.

Jeremy Gilbert: is a stoner. With his hood up.

Vicki Donovan: is a vampire.

Thomas: sees what you did there.

Vicki Donovan: So… many… tasty… teenagers…

Stefan Salvatore: No people food!

Vicki Donovan: pouts

Damon Salvatore: flirts

A Member Of The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: giggles drunkenly

Information: pours out like water

Damon Salvatore: Hey, my necklace! gimme!

Bonnie Bennet: No way, creeper!

Damon Salvatore: grabs the necklace, and gets burned for his trouble.

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my jewelry!

Vicki Donovan: tries to feed on Jeremy, then grabs Elena, and latches onto her neck like a… neck… latching… thing.

Stefan Salvatore: No one eats my woman! six foot wooden stake!

Vicki Donovan: is significantly more corpse-like with a giant piece of wood though the heart.

Thomas: did not see that coming.

Stefan Salvatore: So, Damon, you know how they say friends help you move, and best friends help you move bodies? Well, a funny thing happened at the Halloween party tonight…

Elena Gilbert: You jerk! You did this to her! People keep dying around you! slap!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, so, you might not have noticed, but, one, I’m evil, and two, you’re bleeding profusely from several major lacerations. It might be a good idea to make like a tree and get away from the evil, angry, hungry vampire with great hair.

Jeremy Gilbert: sobs

Elena Gilbert: commiserates

Stefan Salvatore: wants to help

Elena Gilbert: Can you erase his memory?

Stefan Salvatore: I don’t think I’m strong enough.

Damon Salvatore: I’ll do it.

Everyone: Wait, what?

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, I wish I knew how to quit you.

On to the next episode!

Earlier today (probably yesterday, by the time you read this), Barack Obama signed into law the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act, which extends the federal law that already protects people who are victims of violent crime due to race, religion, or ethnicity to also cover victims targeted because of their sex or sexual orientation.

Since I’m a godless commie bastard, you’d probably expect me to support this legislation, but I don’t. Here’s why:

First, I don’t think people should be victimized because of their race, their religion, their sex, their sexual orientation, or their disabilities. If someone beats a person to death because they are gay, that criminal deserves to feel the full wrath of the law. However, I don’t think they deserve to get off easier if they beat someone to death for any other reason.

Matthew Shepard was a student at the University of Wyoming when, in 1998, Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson took him prisoner, robbed him, tortured him, and then tied him to a fence, leaving him to die. His injuries were too severe for doctors to operate on, October 12, 1998, he was pronounced dead. Both McKinnery and Russell received two consecutive life sentences.

This is a horrible crime, and deserved to be punished. A young, innocent life was ended, a a family was torn apart. The question is, would this have been a lesser crime if McKinnery and Russell had targeted Shepard because he was sleeping with their girlfriend, or some other reason. The results would be the same: a young man would be dead.

I believe that people deserve the same protections, regardless of why they were victimized. I don’t want to take away the protection this law will give to people because of who or what they are, but I do want to see those same protections extended to everyone else.

The most common and frustrating example of this is probably the way creationists talk about a “scientific theory.” This seems to mean, for creationists, something like, “a wild, uneducated guess unsupported by evidence that can be dismissed and ignored without consequence,” with additional overtones of “a conspiracy to deceive and corrupt the youth of America.” -Fred Clark

“Remember when all the flight attendants used to be hot? Now they’ll hire anyone.” -The bloated cow sitting next to me on my flight home today.

“So what does a pink rose mean?” “…it means the guy is gay.” -Jessica

“I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot” -Text From Last Night

Dear God, is it seriously only Monday? I am not going to make it through this week. I might not make it through dinner.

Here’s a riddle for you: what happens when you have roughly three hundred image analysts, all trying to demo their products over the same cable modem? Nothing. At least, not for the first few seconds. Then, there’s this collective scream as out once-functioning software goes toes up. And then we start looking for blood. But at least we’re only paying a thousand dollars a day, each, for an internet connection we can’t use. And no, I am not exaggerating.

Here’s a hint: if you come up to me and start assaulting me with Japanese, I am going to respond with the word “sushi,” and then I might pretend to be a ninja. Banzai!

Update: my manager has informed me that the above response is inappropriate, and I now have an entire nationality that I am not allowed to talk to. Also, I may have caused some sort of international incident. But I’m sure the people at State can figure it out.

In the midst of our technical difficulties this morning, one of the managers asked what I would do if I couldn’t get it working. I told her I’d drop off my resume at Booz Allen and head back to the hotel. She laughed. Nervously.

The Alamo is open to our group tonight, but since I can’t walk right now, I think I’m going to go find a park bench and turn off my brain for a while. Catch you all tomorrow.

“Why isn’t this working? This should be working. I swear to God, this was working yesterday.” -Everyone. Repeatedly.

“Stop. You don’t mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don’t mean that.” -Texts From Last Night

Producer: Okay, Boring Vampire…

Paul Wesley: …Jerk.

Producer: What was that? Oh, never mind, your opinion is kind of irrelevant anyway. So, Boring Vampire, why don’t you stroke Nina’s hair. Yeah, pretend it’s Evil Vampire’s. Whatever. Now, Evil Vampire…

Ian Somerhalder: What, should I lick her again?

Producer: No, good idea, because it was mine, but we’ve done that already. Instead, why don’t you grab her throat, like you’re going to throttle the life out of her. Sweet. Now, Elena, try to look…

Producer: Never mind, you seem to have it under control.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

Elena Gilbert: Dear diary, I think my boyfriend is a blood sucking monster. former cheerleader confrontation powers activate!

Flashback! Stefan is dressed all funny, and the cars have been replaced by these odd, horse-drawn things. We’re back in the 1800’s! Also: Katherine!

Stefan Salvatore: makes doe eyes.

Flash forward!: We’re back in the Aught Nines!

Elena Gilbert: So, Stefan, anything you want to tell me about? Like, how did you do on the chemistry test, how’s football going, oh, and are you a freaking vampire?

Stefan Salvatore: Everything you know, and every belief you have, is about to change. Are you ready or that?

Thomas: thinks that’s one of the coolest premises for a story, ever. Vampires or no.

Stefan Salvatore: So, yeah, vampire.

Elena Gilbert: Okay then. Well, time to be going! runs away

Stefan Salvatore: does that horror movie thing where the Survivor Girl is running away, but suddenly the Monster is Right There OMG! This is guaranteed to sooth Elena’s nerves.

Stefan Salvatore: suddenly appears in Elena’s bedroom. He’s apparently taken a couple of correspondence courses from the Edward Cullen School of Creepy Courtship.

Damon Salvatore: finishes draining one of the Generic Stoners from last episode, and drops the body on the ground. Then into the fire. There are plenty of other bodies scattered around, too. Damon was hungry.

Damon Salvatore: (on one of Generic Stoner’s cell phones) So, Stefan, about that ring you stole…

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, I gave it to “Uncle” Zach to hide. Too bad you killed him.

Damon Salvatore: Give me my ring or I eat Elena.

Stefan Salvatore: I kill you!

Damon Salvatore: I kill you!

Stefan Salvatore: Oh yeah? Then how will you get your ring back?

Damon Salvatore: …Dick.

Elena Gilbert: So, I’ve asked you to this sunny, public place so you can explain yourself. And also, not eat me.

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, So, vampire. I can eat food, religious artifacts are nothing but decorations, I have a reflections (see: my awesome hair), I have this sweet ring that keeps me from combusting in the sun, and I eat bunny rabbits to stay alive. Damon eats teenagers, which is why he’s stronger than me.

Damon Salvatore: Ooookay then.

Sheriff Forbes and Logan Fell: examine the bodies Damon “hid” by burning slightly. At covering his tracks, an expert he is not.

Damon Salvatore: Man, being stuck inside all day sucks, and the chick I ate last night isn’t talking due to the loss of blood. Maybe if I heal her with my vampire blood, she can run out and rent a movie or something.

Elena Gilbert: So, here we are, in the middle of nowhere. Please don’t eat me.

Stefan Salvatore: Relax, I just want to show you my old home.

Elena Gilbert: But, there are just ruins. How old are you?

Stefan Salvatore: I’ve been seventeen…

Thomas: If you say “for a while,” we are officially done.

Stefan Salvatore: …Since1864.

Thomas: …I’ll let that pass.

Flashback! Damon’s wearing a derby, and the pre-vampire brothers are playing Rugby. Katherine asks to join in. She steals their ball, and goes running off.

Damon Salvatore: Dude, she totally wants you to chase her! What’s your problem? Don’t you like girls?

Stefan Salvatore: What? Of course I do! He meant nothing! We were just wrestling!

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Vicki Donovan: You know what? I’ve decided that it’s totally cool the way you killed all my friends, and almost killed me. Also, your blood it sweet. Gimme gimme?

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: So, long story short, Kat did me, then my brother, then she turned out to be a vampire. Then she mind whammied me. Shenanigans ensued, and here we are.

Elena Gilbert: …Please don’t eat me.

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: Uses the stolen Gilbert watch, and a handful of other trinkets, to assemble… something. My money’s on “Vampire Seeking Compass.”

Damon Salvatore and Vicki Donovan: Have a dance party, and trash the boarding house. Also, they take a moment out to indulge in some product placement, but since it’s an iMac, I’ll let it slide.

Vicki Donovan: tells Damon about her messed up family.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, that’s… pathetic. You know what could help that? Death. snaps her freaking neck!

Thomas: Okay, that, I did not see coming.

Vicki Donovan: Ow, why does my neck hurt?

Damon Salvatore: I gave you my blood, then I killed you, now you need to eat someone, and you can be a vampire like me. Yay! Hey, you know who would be a good meal? Elena’s brother. Tell everyone I said “hi!”

Vicki Donovan: Is freaking out, and about to eat someone.

Stefan Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Stefan Salvatore: Take her up to bed. She’s going to be fine. You know, except for the part where she’s dead.

Logan Fell: Wanders through the dark woods and the Menacing fog of Menace with his Vampire Seeking Compass.

Thomas: totally called that one.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena, can I come in? Wait, of course I can, you already invited me. Wow you’re scared, guess Stefan finally fessed up. Speaking of, where is that little ring stealing douche?

Elena Gilbert: Out looking for the girl you sort of killed.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, don’t judge.

Vicki Donovan: Boo hoo, I’m dying. Or about to become immortal. I’m not clear on that yet.

Stefan Salvatore: Here, let me take you home.

Logan Fell: shoots Stefan with his wooden bullets, and goes to stake him.

Vicki Donovan: No!

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Vicki Donovan: fangs!

Sheriff Forbes: Huh. Maybe splitting up wasn’t such a hot idea, after all.

Elena Gilbert: So, this whole vampire thing is hot and all, and almost getting eaten by your brother is fun, but I think we should see other people.

Stefan Salvatore: sadface

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: sadface

On to the next episode!