“You can have anything in life, as long as you’re willing to give up everything else for it.” -Merideth Grey

So, this article and this video claim that a Belgian man, who has been thought to be in a coma for the past two decades, has actually been awake the entire time, essentially living out the nightmare depicted in Metallica’s video One.

This is absolutely terrible, and horrifying. Fortunately, it’s a complete lie, as well.

Rom Houben, the man in question, is supposedly able to communicate through the miracle of “facilitated communication,” where an aide holds Houben’s hand and “helps” him type his messages.

Hopefully, you can already see why this is nonsense. They’re basically using this poor man’s body as a Ouija board; he is no more responsible for the messages being attributed to him than a planchet is responsible for telling a group of nervous teenage girls who’s going to ask them to Prom. Furthermore, FC has been tested in laboratory settings, and found to be, well, lacking.

But maybe Houben is awake, and maybe there is something to this story. Fortunately, there are several easy ways to tell.

1. Houben spoke both English and Flemish; in the current setup, he is asked questions in English, and he supposedly answers by typing our Flemish words. If you use an FC aide that doesn’t speak either language, he should still be able to communicate, right?

Or, maybe this particular Flemish-speaking aide is so talented that she has to be the one “helping” Houben communicate. That’s fine, we still have ways of testing him:

2. Ask Houben a question while the aide is out of the room, and then have him type the answer with her assistance.

3. Or use headphones, so that the aide cannot hear the question.

4. Or ask him a question about something only he can see. Have the aide look away, then ask “what color is this card,” for example.

Et cetera. But I doubt that any of these things will be done. The story of a man trapped inside his own paralyzed body is much more thrilling than the story of a doctor and an aide perpetrating a fraud on an emotionally wrecked family.

More on this story: James Randi, Orac, Steven Novella, Wikipedia on Facilitated Communication

“To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It’s a ritual sacrifice. With pie.” – Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Unnamed Yakuza Lackey: Hey, boss, this envelope just came for you.

Unnamed Yakuza Boss: Who’s it from?

Unnamed Yakuza Lackey: Ozunu Clan House of Wanton Slaughter and Dumplings.

Old Tattoo Artist Guy: Asian swear words

Ninjas: appear

Gigabytes and Gigabytes of blood: spurt

Everyone: dies

Interpol Chick: Hey boss, I’ve got a career-making lead!

Interpol Guy: What is it? Drug cartel? Kidnapping ring? Arms dealer?

Interpol Chick: Even better… Ninjas!

Interpol Guy: facepalm

Asian Girl at the Laundromat: Hey Ninja Assassin, can you help me fold my sheets?

Rain: flips out, kills her

The Backstory: is an hour-long distraction from the reason I paid ten bucks to see this movie: to watch ninjas flip out and kill people.

Rain: meditates on his past, does Yoga on a bed of nails, practices the art of CGI-jutsu

Interpol Chick: Hey boss! I think I’m really onto something here!

Interpol Guy: Why’s that?

Interpol Chick: Because everyone that has ever started investigating these ninjas has been murdered to death with a billion throwing stars!

Interpol Guy: facepalm

Interpol Chick: Why is everyone sitting around outside the apartment building?

Exposition Guy: Oh, no reason. The power was mysteriously cut, and it’s pitch black inside. Also: teeming with ninjas.

Interpol Chick: Oh, well then I better go inside!

Fodder Ninja: Kiiiiiiiya!

Shaky-cam CGI-jutsu: happens

Rain: flips out, kills Fodder Ninja

Interpol Chick: hyperventilation, gratitude, swoon

Approximately Five Hundred and Twenty Seven Ninjas: chase Rain to avenge Fodder Ninja’s death, or defend the clan honor, or something. It doesn’t matter.

Interpol Chick: Hey Boss! Hundreds of ninjas are chasing us! We need help!

Interpol Guy: Okay, meet me at the usual place.

Thomas: There’s a usual place? This happens often enough to have a usual place?

Thomas: wants that job

Interpol Chick: Thanks, Boss! So, I was thinking I could go into Witness Protection, and you could give Rain here like a bazooka or something, and we could kick back while he flips out and kills the bad guys.

Interpol Guy: Well, I guess we could do that, or I could just arrest him. For being Asian, you know.

Rain: facepalm

Approximately One Million, Three Hundred Thousand, Four Hundred and Fifty Two Ninjas: assault the secret Interpol command headquarters / detention center / love nest

Throwing Stars: are much more effective that machine guns

Every Interpol Agent, Even if He Isn’t Physically Present: dies

Rain: flips out, kills a bunch of ninjas

The Sub-Boss Ninja: sticks Rain with a dozen throwing stars, runs him through with his sword, drops him off a building, and hits him over with a car

Rain: is minorly inconvenienced

Rain and the Interpol Chick: are kidnapped, and taken to the Secret Ninja Compound in the Mountains

The Secret Ninja Compound in the Mountains: is a Japanese Castle in Berlin, Germany, by the way. Yes, these are apparently German ninjas.

Approximately Three Billion Ninjas: line up in front of Rain

Rain: flips out, kills them

Evil Ninja Master Guy: At last, I can punish Rain for the disrespect he showed when blah blah blah. And Interpol is not here to save you!

Interpol: shows up to save him

Evil Ninja Master Guy: facepalm

Interpol: machine guns!

Ninjas: throwing stars!

Interpol: rocket launchers!

Thomas: Yes, rocket launchers. The Interpol agents storm the German Ninja Fortress of Doom in helicopters and black Humvees, spray machine gun fire wildly, and then they decide that that isn’t quite enough, so they pull out a bunch of bazookas, and start going to town. I almost wept.

Ninjas: explode, die

Evil Ninja Master Guy: grimace, sulk, threaten

Rain: glower, brood, menace

Interpol Chick: Hi, guys!

Evil Ninja Master Guy: stabs her

Rain: flips out, kills him

Rain: heals Interpol Chick with the power of happy thoughts or something

The Movie: ends

“Clowns are creepy and evil creatures of pure malice. And they are just waiting for you to sleep so they can eat you.” -sng

“Parents, talk to your kids about Edward Cullen. And drugs, if you get around to that.” -Cleolinda Jones

My heart is torn just in knowing
you’ll someday see the truth from lies
-Plumb, In My Arms

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

Aunt Jenna: Look, (Probably a Vampire) Logan, I just told Hot New English Teacher Guy that he couldn’t come inside tonight, and there’s no way I’m inviting you in, either.

Thomas: You tell him, Jenna. Or at least keep him distracted while I move Logan’s name off of my “characters that are dead, and thus irrelevant” list.

Logan Fell: Oh, come on, we both know you have no self esteem, and you’ll do what any reasonably attractive guy tells you to do.

Aunt Jenna: So, insults? Not a turn on, as such. door slam!

Logan Fell: Curses! Fortunately, there’s an old man…er, a nubile young jogger, upon whom to quench my insatiable thirst! fangs!

Nubile Young Jogger: dies

Jeremy Gilbert: reads his grandfather’s worn old journal filled with emo poetry, occult symbols, and drawings of monsters. This inspires him to break out his sketch book, also filled with drawings of monsters. Well, at least The Count, from Sesame Street.

Annoyingly Happy Music: starts playing

The Director: would like to remind you that Elena is hot.

Aunt Jenna: So, what’s up with your hot boyfriend?

Elena Gilbert: He’s leaving town, and I stopped asking him questions. His answers are scary.

Thomas: Odds that this statement comes up when Elena inevitably starts sleeping with Stefan? Very high.

Aunt Jenna: Oh, by the way, Logan dropped by. Don’t invite him in, he’ll eat you.

Damon Salvatore: So, brother, where are we headed?

Stefan Salvatore: I am getting as far away from your best-friend murdering, Uncle’s neck snapping, teenager-eating, evil ass as possible.

Damon Salvatore: sadface

Sheriff Forbes: Hi, boys! So, that vampire you killed? Not the only one. Someone got themselves eaten last night. Help us help us we’re weak and afraid please help?

Damon Salvatore: WTF?

Stefan Salvatore: WTF?

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: flirt flirtatiously

Tyler Lockwood: looks on grumpily

Bonnie Bennet: So, I’m sort of grateful to Stefan, for saving my life and all.

Elena Gilbert: Yeah, well, I’ll pass that along, if I ever see him again, which I won’t because he doesn’t love me and he’s leaving town and oh emo.

Bonnie Bennet: Thank God, I hated that freak!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: You said no more killing!

Damon Salvatore: Bro, chill! It wasn’t me. Though the presence of another vampire does conveniently rule out your plan to skip town, doesn’t it?

Random Blond Chick We’ll Never See Again: walks across the school yard with Elena, to make it seem like there are more than ten people in Mystic Falls.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Elena! Just dropped by to squeeze your wounded heart a little. Also, new vampire in town, get home before dark. Tootles!

Damon Salvatore: gets Caroline Forbes to use the Magic Vampire Compass to track the Evil Careless Jogger Eater, then Dracula-eyes her into leaving, because she’s vapid and annoying. So, mostly what I’m saying is that I’m a fan of Damon.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you know what’s better than picking a lock? Ripping the door off the hinges.

Logan Fell: So, thanks for turning me into a vampire. Jerk. gunshots!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, totally wasn’t me. I don’t even like you. No way I want to spend eternity with you. Also: real nice, leaving that body lying around.

Logan Fell: What? I got tired! I’ve been careful with the rest. Look, I hid them in the back of this warehouse, right over there, in plain sight.

Damon Salvatore: facepalm

Mystic Falls High School: Welcome to Career Day! Your options include: Sports Star, Joining the Military, or Being Stuck in This Lame Town Forever, Cursing the Day You Were Born. Choose carefully!

Elena Gilbert, Matt Donovan, Stefan Salvatore, and Caroline Forbes: are doing their best to form an It Was All Just A Big Mistake Love Rectangle. This thing is more complicated than Voltron.

Logan Fell: So, I’m all emo now, and I want to know how you can walk in the sun when I can’t, because that’s not in the journals we Watchers all pass around, and also, more gunshots!

Damon Salvatore: Ouch.

Stefan Salvatore: So, speaking of career fairs, I have a lot of interests that I’m only going to mention vaguely, so that the writers don’t have to think of them.

Elena Gilbert: But you didn’t love anything enough to stick with it?

Thomas: Oh, burn.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, no, I loved it all, but I have to skip town before anyone can notice I’m not getting any older.

Elena Gilbert: So you always ditch after a little while?

Stefan Salvatore: Haha, yeah, I’m never in one place for very long.

Thomas: Bro, subtext. The girl is not talking about your career!

Stefan Salvatore: So, what are your plans?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, you know, growing old, becoming a withered husk, dying alone and miserable.

Aunt Jenna: Hey guys! Logan’s here!

Stefan Salvatore: Huh, that’s odd, what with him being dead and all. Elena, why don’t you take your Aunt out for ice cream while I kill the nice vampire.

Logan Fell: I wanna walk in the day! Tell me how, or I’ll expose you on TV,

Stefan Salvatore: Son, I was eating people before you were in diapers. Step off.

Elena Gilbert: So, this is going to sound strange, but don’t ever talk to Logan again. For serious. If you do, you’re totally grounded.

Aunt Jenna: But I’m twenty!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi, hot girl I met at the bar!

Elena Gilbert: Good! Talk to this guy! There’s nothing odd or creepy about him at all!

Aunt Jenna: Okay!

Damon Salvatore: So, Logan’s the vampire, I got shot, and I’m angry. Also, shirtless.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: squee!

Jacob “Abs” Black: I did that first.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: squee!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Caroline Forbes: I’m totally into broadcast journalism now, even though I’ve never shown even the slightest interest before this very moment! And I totally need a ride home! If only a dashing broadcast journalist would drive by and offer me a ride! Also, it’s been a real long time since a vampire has snacked on me…

Logan Fell: Hey, Caroline! Would you like a ride home from a dashing broadcast journalist?

Caroline Forbes: Boy, would I!

Thomas: facepalm

Logan Fell: smashes Caroline’s head against the window, leaving a bloody smear.

Thomas: did not see that coming.

Caroline Forbes: is apparently this town’s Designated Donor, now that Vicki’s dead.

Mayor Lockwood: tries to start his own little Fight Club, with his son Logan and Jeremy Gilbert.

Alaric Saltzman: So, this is totally not cool, bro.

Mayor Lockwood: Do I look like one of your students?

Alaric Saltzman: No, you look like a full-grown, alpha-male douche bag.

Thomas: is now a member of Team Alaric.

Thomas: is now also a member of Team Alaric Needs to Change His Name to Something Less Gay.

Logan Fell: So Sheriff, thanks for leaving me to get eaten and vamped. Your daughter is about to join me! </cell-phone>

Stefan Salvatore: emo newborn vampire interrupting powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: gunshots!

Stefan Salvatore: innocent young girl taking away powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: So, who turned you?

Logan Fell: No idea, but I can totally help you get into the tomb where your psycho evil vampire ex girlfriend is trapped.

Damon Salvatore: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Tyler Lockwood: punches out Jeremy Gilbert

Jeremy Gilbert: What is your problem, man?

Tyler Lockwood: I don’t know!

The Full Moon: hangs conspicuously in the background

Stefan Salvatore: I have to leave! I’m doing it for your own good!

Elena Gilbert: Screw that! You don’t get to make my decisions for me!

Bella Swan: I know what all of those words mean, but when you put them together in that order, they stop making sense…

Elena Gilbert: I love you, Stefan! passionate kiss!

Stefan Salvatore: I love you, Elena! fangs! shame!

Elena Gilbert: Don’t hide from me! I think your bloodshot, veiny eyes are hot!

Stefan Salvatore: Score!

Elena Gilbert: Tasteful almost-nudity now?

Stefan Salvatore: Yes please.

Edward Cullen: This is not appropriate!

Stefan Salvatore: You know, he’s right.

The Screen: fades appropriately to black

Logan Fell: stalks from his secret warehouse hideout

A Mysterious Crashing Noise: crashes mysteriously

Alaric Saltzman: appears suddenly

Logan Fell: fangs!

Alaric Saltzman: stake!

Thomas: moves Logan back to the “characters that are dead, and thus irrelevant” list

Team Alaric: confirmed

Stefan Salvatore: So, now that you’re appropriately wearing my shirt, are you thirsty?

Elena Gilbert: Kinda. You? Oh, nevermind. neck cover

Stefan Salvatore: Well, I’m going to go get you something to drink. Why don’t you look around at all my stuff. The photo of the girl I’m obsessed with, that looks exactly freaking like you, is on the desk. See you in a minute!

Elena Gilbert: OMG! This photo of the girl Stefan is obsessed with looks exactly freaking like me! storms off

Sheriff Forbes: Hey Damon, we found Logan’s body. Thanks!

Damon Salvatore: WTF? sadface

Stefan Salvatore: finds the locket he gave Elena sitting on top of Katherine’s picture

Stefan Salvatore: Well that didn’t go how I expected.

Elena Gilbert: drives weepily, runs over a vampire

Mysterious Vampire: cracks his limbs back into place, stalks towards Elena

Elena Gilbert: terrified shriek

The Screen: cuts to black.

The Vampire Diaries: is on hiatus for the next eight weeks

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: anguished cry

On to the next episode!

“My divorced parents sleep together sporadically, fight constantly, and still insist we get together on holidays. How’s that for perfect?” -Emily Lightman, Lie to Me

Bella Swan: Has a dream where she’s her grandmother, and Edward is still seventeen, for a while. She wakes up distressed. This will become a theme.

Charlie Swan: Hey Bella, happy birthday! Say, is that a gray hair?

Bella Swan: What oh my God no are you joking oh I’m going to get old and Edward never will and he’ll realize I’m not good enough for him and then I’ll just die! twitch, twitch

Charlie Swan: Haha, women! Always falling for the old “wow, you sure look old” gag.

Thomas: Loves Charlie.