“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust.” -Lawrence Krauss

“If you own any dice with more or less than six sides you’ve killed any chance you had at mating.” -Cracked’s Guide to Elves

“Hey Mario, thanks rescuing me, and for facing endless hordes of enemies to save our beloved Princess. I have a whole mushroom hut full of power-ups that I could give you, but I think it would be more fun to make you play some idiotic version of Three Card Monty. Good luck!” -Toad

“I’m the hero of this story, I don’t need to be saved.” -Regina Spektor, Hero

Thomas hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

…

And what happened then…?
Well…in Who-ville they say
That Thomas’s small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he… HE HIMSELF…!
Thomas carved the roast beast!

Merry Christmas!

“You can deny the Great Old Ones, but when the stars are right, your denial will be just as futile as the cries of those who worship them.” -t3knomanser

Ticket $10.00

Nachos and a Medium Diet Soda: $11.75

Three Hours of Twelve Foot Tall Blue Cat People: $500 Million

Another “White Guy Saves The Noble Savages” Movie: Priceless

A week or so ago, someone asked me if I had ever seen Jersey Shore.

“No,” I said.

“You would hate those people. Hate them.”

Wow, was he ever not wrong.

I was flipping through the channels after the football game today – and as an aside, thanks, Fox, for not playing the Pittsburg game – and landed on an episode of the above-mentioned train wreck. Now, I have a little rule about not watching MTV (motto: “we don’t play music, but we’ll never change out name”), but curiosity got the better of me. It couldn’t be that bad, could it?

Yes, it could. Dear sweet Vishnu, it was that bad. In literally less than thirty seconds, I already wanted to murder the entire cast.

Let’s start with Mike, who refers to himself as “The Situation.” Yes, he really calls himself that. No, I don’t know why. His friend and wingman is “DJ” Pauly, who owns his own tanning bed, and has replaced his hair with some sort of plastic mold. Their entire mission in life is to have sex with women of poor judgement. The thing is, they’re bad at it. Comically bad at it. Oh, they get the women home, and impress them with their “phat crib,” but pretty soon the women realize that they are very close to breeding with a pair of forty-five year old teenagers with orange skin, their self-preservation instincts kick in, and the “bros” are left telling each other how the girls weren’t good enough for them, anyway. And I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure they cuddle with each other after the cameras stop rolling.

The best incident? When “The Situation” was about to score, and his victim’s girlfriend walks into the room and says “you don’t want to do this.” “You’re right,” says the other girl, and off they go.

Then there’s Ronnie, who I call “Shirtless,” because that seems to be his single emotional response. Ronnie’s happy? Off comes the shirt. Ronnie’s angry? Off comes the shirt. Ronnie’s sad? Off comes the shirt. Ronnie’s feeling thoughtful? Haha, just kidding, Ronnie’s never had a thoughtful moment in his life.

The women are no better. Angelina, who calls herself “Jolie” because she’s an idiot, is devastated when her boyfriend breaks up with her for sleeping with another guy, and gets kicked out of the house for refusing to work at the t-shirt shop. No, I have no idea why she worked at a t-shirt shop, nor do I particularly care. Her parting witticism was “I don’t wanna work! And I don’t have to do anything I don’t want!” Sweetheart, none of us want to work. That’s why it’s called work, you tangerine colored nimrod.

No, wait, Sweetheart is a different girl. She is, apparently, the “sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” I spent a considerable portion of the episode fantasizing creative ways in which she could die.

And then there’s “Snooki.” Her name alone… I mean, God, these people are actually allowed to walk around, unsupervised. She is quite possibly the most obnoxious human being alive, and I’m including Glen Beck in that estimation. But then this happens:

Now, I can’t justify hitting a woman, no matter how… she is, but that GIF is just hypnotizing. And the best part is that the guy didn’t even knock her out. He knocked her down, but she was still awake. And crying. But awake.

The puncher, according to the New York Post, is a guy named Brad Ferro. He is, to no one’s surprise, a high school gym teacher. His employer says that he’s been moved to a “teacher reassignment center.” So I guess NYC high schools are a lot like the Catholic church.

Toward the end of the episode, the “bros” tried to light their propane grill. With charcoal. Ominious music started playing, and I literally leaned forward and started whispering “Please blow up. Please blow up. Please blow up.” Sadly, they did not blow up, even though they did manage to light the entire grill on fire.

This entire thing makes me weep for humanity. It was like watching the mating dance of a pack of retarded baboons, except retarded baboons would actually be kind of cute, with their stumbling around and slipping on banana peels and flinging feces. These people are just annoying. The boys are all juice heads, the girls are all plastic, and the lot of them have consumed enough hair product and tanning lotion to put another hole in the ozone layer. So I hope you’re happy, Jersey Shore, when those polar bears are drowning in the melting arctic.

Really, it’s just mesmerizing, isn’t it?

“Members of the earth’s earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.” -The Onion’s Top 10 Stories of the Last 4.5 Billion Years

“I’m here for the eggnog.”

“Wait, there’s eggnog?”

“No.”