“Love only hurts when you do it right.”

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Cuddle on Stephan’s bed

Elena Gilbert: So, you know that vampire whose face I didn’t see, and who you’ve never met? Do you know who he is yet?

Stefan Salvatore: No, but I did bring you some anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot. I made it into a friendship bracelet!

Elena Gilbert: Squee! You’re the best undead boyfriend that used to date someone that looked exactly like me and killed dozens and dozens of people ever!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, your pizza’s here.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, <blink>come on in</blink>, I have to get some cash from my sister.

Thomas: Note: anyone that is ever explicitly invited into the Gilbert household will, in fact, turn out to be a vampire.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Dons a sweatshirt suspiciously similar to the Shadowy Figure of Mystery from Episode Ten and Eleven.

Damon Salvatore: Tears through the Salvatore Library like a vampire looking for a Book of Shadows that will release hit long-lost psycho vampire lover from her eternal tomb.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about you taking my girlfriend to Atlanta…

Damon Salvatore: So, about you being a hundred and sixty three years old and dating a girl that’s still in high school…

Edward Cullen: Oh, burn.

Alaric Saltzman: So, for your essay on how the impossibly high number of “Deaths Due to Animal Mauling and Subsequent Loss of Blood” are actually caused by vampires… you get an ‘A’.

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

Alaric Saltzman: But you don’t really believe in vampires, do you? Because that would be totally silly and not at all the reason I came to Mystic Falls and oh can I have the diary of your vampire-slaying uncle? Nervous laugh.

Jeremy Gilbert: Um… yes?

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, I got you an anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot necklace!

Caroline Forbes: A lesbian friendship necklace! It’s what I’ve always wanted!

Elena Gilbert: That’s… not what I said.

The Producer: No, that’s okay, roll with it.

Elena Gilbert: Also, I wanted to tell you that I’m totally cool with you seeing me ex.

Caroline Forbes: Oh, er, um, I was totally going to talk to you about that, but then I didn’t because I was afraid, and also busy being the Designated Blood Donor for every vampire within a hundred miles. Also: Matt Donovan: totally not over you.

Elena Gilbert: Aw, Caroline! I’m with Stephan now! Matt has to move on, and you’d be a great second choice!

Caroline Forbes: …

The Recent Graduate Bartender: So, Matt, what’s up?

Matt Donovan: Oh, nothing, just lamenting the fact that I suck at football and am going to end up working in a bar like you.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Well, thanks for dropping by!

Elena Gilbert: I’m adopted!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m supportive!

Elena Gilbert: I’m going shopping!

Bonnie Bennet: I’ll pay the bill!

Damon Salvatore: I need your help!

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my mind. Fires that kill vampires. Like you.

Thomas: Really, she said “I can start fires with my mind.” She was one word away from making my recaps cannon.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Macho posturing powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Smirks and decides not to kill him. At least not immediately.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Bonnie, you’re hot.

Bonnie Bennet: That’s because I can start fires with my brain!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: rings

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, just calling to let you know that I’m watching you. Get into your car. From across the street.

Elena Gilbert: Please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run.

Elena Gilbert: Why is he taunting me like this? Why doesn’t he just get it over with?

Stefan Salvatore: What, are you kidding? Staking your prey, driving them slowly insane with fear, and shattering their every illusion of safety is the best part!

Elena Gilbert: …okay, that was creepy.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, and I brought you your ancestral vampire-compass-cum-pocket-watch. This way, we’ll alway know when you’re in danger!

Thomas: You know how else we’ll know she’s in danger? The big dark scary guy with the fangs.

Caroline Forbes and Matt Donovan: Have a cute moment, Caroline says something dumb, Matt storms off.

Thomas: Knows that this will pay off in a later episode, but really wants someone to get eaten already.

Anna No-Last-Name: Hey so how did you do on the paper and how are you doing in general and hey would you like to hang out tonight and hey would you like to give me babies?

Jeremy Gilbert: So, I was just…. going… elsewhere.

Thomas: Adds Anna No-Last-Name to his character list, even though he knows she’s going to die soon, because she has no last name.

Elena Gilbert: So, I’m going to ignore the ridiculous costume you’re wearing and get right to the point. Me. Adopted. Talk.

Aunt Jenna: So… one night a sixteen year old pregnant girl showed up on your parent’s doorstep and your parents took her in and then she popped you out and then she took off, and your parents really really really wanted a baby and there you were being all baby like and your mom was like “wow, this is so much easier than being pregnant for nine months, let’s just keep this one,” and you’re dad was like “cool,” and he was a doctor so he forged a birth certificate, oh and your mother’s name is Isabel.

Thomas: Elena’s mother’s name is (almost) Bella. Of course.

Stefan Salvatore: So here’s the book you were looking for. I already read through it. It ain’t gonna help. But, I’m so eager to get you out of my town that I’ll help you free Katherine, if that’s what it’ll take.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, right! The old “pretend to help your vampire brother resurrect his vampire girlfriend to gain his trust and absence and also stake him in the back” ploy!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, projecting much?

Elena Gilbert: Does her hair.

Elena Gilbert’s Vampire Compass Pocket Watch: Points toward the vampire creeping up behind her.

The Ominous Music: Is ominous

Elena Gilbert: Calls Stephan.

Damon Salvatore: Stephan’s phone. I’m way hotter than he is. What’s up?

Elena Gilbert: Help please help vampire help compass help scared.

Damon Salvatore: Relax, it’s just my brother. He was heading over to your place, and forgot his phone. It’s not like there’s a creepy ass pizza delivery vampire hanging on your ceiling.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Is hanging on the ceiling.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Fangs! Throat lunge!

Stefan Salvatore: Chivalrous rage of chivalry powers activate!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Super-fast vampire running away powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Tremble.

Stefan Salvatore: Comfort.

Thomas: He is so getting some tonight.

Stefan Salvatore: So what do we do?

Damon Salvatore: Simple, use your girlfriend as bait, lure the CAPDV out, and kill him until he’s dead.

Elena Gilbert: Works for me!

The Big Bopper: Is played.

Hair: Is poofy.

Poodle Skirts: Are worn.

Alaric Saltzman: Still has his Letterman’s Jacket

Caroline Forbes: So… Damon’s here. You having a threesome, Elena?

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: No.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Pout.

Aunt Jenna: Hey Alaric, did I tell you about this personality quirk I have, where I have to discuss painful relationship trauma every time I go on an almost-date? Speaking of, what’s the deal with your dead wife?

Thomas: Head. Desk.

Damon Salvatore: Can’t get a date for the dance. Sadface.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Sway to the music.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Shows up wearing his hoodie. This is supposed to be intimidating.

Anna No-Last-Name: Shows up at the school dance.

Jeremy Gilbert: Totally calls her out for acting like they’re dating when they’re not.

Thomas: Is impressed.

Bonnie Bennet: The hot bartender is hot!

Caroline Forbes: Please. People that work in bars are so classless.

Matt Donovan: Hey, what’s up. coughbitchcough

Alaric Saltzman: Hey… Damon, was it? So, how’s your brother doing? You live here your whole life? Travel much? Where do you go? Why did you kill my wife? Did you try the punch?

Damon Salvatore: Wait… what was that last bit?

Alaric Saltzman: The punch? It’s great. Don’t tell anyone, but I think someone spiked it with anti-vampire pot.

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, do you like karaoke?

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Nope.

Bonnie Bennet: :-(

The Recent Graduate Bartender: But I do like you.

Bonnie Bennet: :-D

Caroline Forbes: Matt, why are you avoiding me?

Matt Donovan: Oh, I don’t know, could it be that you somehow manage to say something that demeans me every time you open your mouth?

Anna No-Last-Name: Hey, can I borrow your vampire-hunting uncle’s vampire hunting journal? I need it I need it I need it!

Jeremy Gilbert: Sorry, I loaned it to my vampire-hunting history teacher.

Anna No-Last-Name: Almost fangs!

Thomas: Did not see that coming.

Elena Gilbert: Teach me to dance like they did in the 50’s!

Stefan Salvatore: I’m thinking: no.

Elena Gilbert: Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, fine. Twirl, toss, throw, smooch!

Thomas: Is pretty sure he could pull that off. Judo is good for something.

Anna No-Last-Name and the Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Are working together!

The Plot: Is not allowed to thicken yet. Wait till the end of the recap.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Stalks out of the gymnasium.

Stefan Salvatore: Pursues.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Was a decoy!

The Real Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Threatens Elena’s brother to get her to leave the crowd.

Elena Gilbert: Tries to outrun a guy that can outrun a car.

Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Fang block! Stake toss! Jack Bauer impersonation! Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire staking powers activate!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Dies.

Anna No-Last-Name: Sadface.

Alaric Saltzman: Shockedface

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Alaric Saltzman: Iiiiiiiii have anti-vampire pooooooooooooot.</van-helsing>

Caroline Forbes: We need to talk!

Matt Donovan: I don’t want to ruin out friendship.

Thomas: 0_o

Caroline Forbes: You don’t want to ruin out friendship! Fine! It’s ruined!

Thomas: 0_o

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, thanks for letting me vent about my dead ex-wife. Hey, did I mention that her name is Isabel? You know, like Elena’s biological mother?

Thomas: 0_o

Matt Donovan: Caroline, wait!

Caroline Forbes: :-p

Matt Donovan: Smooch!

Elena Gilbert: That was exciting!

Stefan Salvatore: Sure was. You know what’s going to be even more exciting? When we trick my brother into believing he can trust us, and pretend to help him free Katherine, and then it backfires on us, and we really do free Katherine, and she eats the entire town!

Elena Gilbert: You’re so hot!

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Locks up.

Anna No-Last-Name: Fangs!

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Fangs!

Anna No-Last-Name and The Recent Graduate Bartender: Smooch!

The Plot: Thickens.

On to the next episode!

“I’m becoming quite proficient in typing left handed, which is saying a lot considering that before kids that hand was basically just a decoration for my left wrist.” – Amber Geary Spadea

“<Expletive>. It’s isn’t a <expletive> quirk, the <expletive> things doesn’t <expletive> build, you <expletive> idiot. Just <expletive> fix the <expletive> thing. <Expletive>!”

“I need to order a part from the dealer, and it won’t be in until the morning. Can you leave the car here overnight?” – My Mechanic

“Sure. I’ll just walk home tonight.” – Me

“…” – My Mechanic

“You’d think a set of tonfas that were also rocket launchers would be a bigger deal.” – Chris’ Invincible Super-Blog

“I WOULD LIKE YOU TO WRITE A BOOK THIS GOOD OH WAIT YOU CAN’T SO I HOPE YOUR WHOLE FAMILY BLOWS UP.” – Mark Reads Twilight

Peter Schink: Reads Baby’s First Screenplay, does a line of coke. Whoo! I wrote a movie!

Scott Stewart: Does a line of coke Whoo! Daddy bought me a video camera! Let’s do this thing!

The Entire Cast: Whatever. We need the paychecks. Do lines of coke.

The Directors: Get it, huh, get it? Los Angeles? The City of Angels?

Thomas: Oh god, this is going to be one of those movies, isn’t it?

The Directors: Yep!

The Archangel Michael: Well, I’ve been following The Big Guy for like six thousand years now, and I know he’s omnipotent and omniscient and not at all fond of it when His angels rebel (cough Satan cough), but I’m pretty sure I know better than Him this time around. I’m going to give Him what He needs, not what He wants!

The Archangel Michael: Rebells against heaven, falls to earth, shows off his magic angel language tattoos, cuts off his wings with his Enocian Vorpal Bowie Knife.

Thomas: Wait, why did he cut his wings off?

The Directors: Dude, angel wing special effects are expensive.

Thomas: Oh god, this is going to be one of those movies, isn’t it?

The Directors: Yep!

The Archangel Michael: Well, now that I’m newly wingless, I better stock up on weapons! I know, I’ll break into this toy store, assault this guard for no reason, and steal the toy store’s enormous cache of weapons!

Thomas: Really. This is what happens.

The Archangel Michael: Time to make my escape! I know, I’ll blow a cross-shaped hole in the wall with the magic Angel powers I will never again display, kill a couple of cops, and steal their car! I’m the good guy!

Charlie: I’m pregnant!

Jeep: :-)

Charlie: The baby’s not yours!

Jeep: :-(

Charlie: Actually, I don’t know who got me pregnant, but is sure wasn’t God! nervous laugh

Jeep: 0_o

Grumpy Diner Owner: I’m grumpy!

The Guy Who’s Going to Die Soon: I’m trapped in a loveless marriage!

The Wife That’s Never Happy: I’m never happy!

Their Slutty Daughter: I’m slutty!

Black Guy One: I have a hook for a hand! That’s like character development!

Black Guy Two: I have a gun! Just like all black people!

Evil Grandma: I’m a demon angel! fangs!

The Guy Who’s Going to Die Soon: dies

Black Guy One: Shoot her! Shoot her!

Jeep: I can’t!

Black Guy Two: This looks like a job for Token Minority Man! Busts a cap, yo.

The Archangel Michael: Hi, guys! Did you ever hear the one about the time God lost faith in humanity and sent a legion of angels to wipe out the entire human race, and it was up to one rebellious angel with a heart of gold to save the world?

The Entire Cast: 0_o

The Archangel Michael: Because that’s totally what’s happening right now. Oh, and your baby is like Jesus 2.0 or something. Yeah, the Second Coming. That’s it.

Thomas: That’s… not how the Second Coming is supposed to happen…

The Archangel Michael: It’s the Second Coming!

Thomas: Ooooookay then. Backs away slowly.

All of the Awesome Action Scenes and Deep Theological Ideas That Could Be Explored In A Movie About A Fallen Angel With A Heart of Gold Battling Demons Other Angels: Happen in a different movie.

All of the Boring Stuff That’s Supposed to Make Us Care About These People, But Doesn’t: Takes up half of the running time.

The Archangel Michael: Broods.

A Horde of Zombies Demons People Possessed by Angels: Grr, we are attacking.

The Archangel Michael: Shoots them.

A Horde of Zombies Demons People Possessed by Angels: Okay, we give up.

The Guy Who’s Going to Die Soon: Hey, it turns out I’m not dead! I’ve actually been crucified upside down, right outside The Most Important Diner in the World, which is in no way a trap!

Thomas: Really? You’re crucifying people upside down? And you’re on God’s side?

The Wife That’s Never Happy: Oh no, the husband I do not love! I must rescue him!

Black Guy One: No! All of the minorities must die first! Runs outside, dies.

Black Guy Two: So you load the bullets in here, and this is the safety…

Slutty Daughter: Please. I dated a Marine over the summer. I know my way around his gun.

Thomas: Cough.

A Hapless Family: Is beset by the Horde of Whatever They Are.

Black Guy Two: I’ll save you! Runs outside, dies.

Slutty Daughter: Oh no! I’ll save you! Runs outside, is white, doesn’t die.

The Archangel Michael: Lock and load, baby! Walks outside with an entire arsenal, fires three shots, and proceeds to fight the rest of the Horde of Whatever with his fists.

Charlie: Has the quickest delivery in history.

Jesus 2.0: Is born. Again. </pun>

The Archangel Michael: Don’t worry, the Horde of Whatever can’t come near the baby.

Thomas: So they were sent to… what? Look on disapprovingly?

The Archangel Michael: Anyway, go ahead out the back, they won’t bother you. Find the prophets!

Thomas: The prophets? You mean the guys who hear the voice of God? The same God that wants everyone to die? Those prophets?

The Archangel Michael: Anyway, you guys take off, and I’ll stay here and fight The Archangel Gabriel.

The Archangel Gabriel : Thundering trumpet blow!

The Archangel Michael: He does that every time you say his name. Facepalm.

The Horde of Whatever: Looks on disapprovingly.

Creepy Little Girl Covered in Blood with a Grocery Bag Over Her Head: Hey, I just wandered in from Silent Hill, and they said they needed extras, so…

Jeep and Charlie: Escape.

The Archangel Gabriel : Has bulletproof wings made out of razor blades, a fifty pound mace with extendo-spikes that also turns into a buzz saw, and magic angel powers.

The Archangel Michael: Has one torn t-shirt, two days of stubble, and three rounds left in his gun.

This Fight: Goes about the way you would expect.

The Archangel Michael: Dies.

Jeep: Hey, look, I have magic angel language tattoos now!

Charlie: Wow, you’re all rebellious and angelic now!

Jeep: Hey, let’s climb this mountain!

The Archangel Gabriel : Haha! I have you now! Give me the child, or you die!

Charlie: And if I do give you the child?

The Archangel Gabriel : Well, God’s going to kill you anyway.

The Archangel Michael: No! I am back, and my rebellion, coupled with my selfless sacrifice, and the writer’s desperate need to force a happy ending, have convinced God of the error of His ways! Humanity is saved!

The Archangel Gabriel : Flies away in an emo funk.

The Archangel Michael: Take care, my human friends! Raise this child well, for He will lead humanity out of the apocalypse… that we… just averted… and… hey, look over there! Flies away.

Jeep: Hey, let’s climb back down this mountain!

Charlie: Facepalm.

Legion was a much better movie when it was called The Prophecy and starred Christopher Walken and had some semblance of a plot and/or internal consistency.

Thomas: “Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…”

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, I know you probably thought it was creepy, the way I had a photograph of a woman from a hundred and forty years ago that looks exactly like you, who also happens to be a vampire, and also also happens to be the vampire that made me into a stud vampire, but if you just come back I can totally mind whammy you explain everything.

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: lurks in the middle of the road

Elena Gilbert: smack! car flip! head trauma!

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: Well that was momentarily inconvenient. stalks hungrily

Elena Gilbert: Aieeeee!

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: runs away

Damon Salvatore: knight in tarnished armor powers activate!

Alaric Saltzman: writes emo in his journal on his computer, dons a sweater that looks oddly like the one worn by the Shadowy Figure of Mystery, and flashes back to happier times when his wife wasn’t missing or dead or a Republican or whatever her trauma is.

Damon Salvatore: Road trip!

Elena Gilbert: WTF? Where are we?

Damon Salvatore: Georgia!

Elena Gilbert: WTF? OMG I was in a car wreck and I hit a guy except he wasn’t a guy he was like immortal or something and that surprises me even though I’m riding in a car with a vampire and no one knows where I am and I lost my cell phone and I need my cell phone because I’m a teenage girl and it’s like a law or something and OMG and emo and stop the car now please!

Damon Salvatore: Wow. You were way more fun when you were unconscious.

Elena Gilbert: pout

Damon Salvatore: Hey, is that a bare neck where your magic anti-mind-whammy necklace used to be? You know, I could totally make you more… agreeable… right now.

Damon Salvatore: is able to consistently out-creeper Edward Cullen

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: rings

Elena Gilbert: Hey that’s my phone gimme gimme gimme!

Damon Salvatore: Sure, here you go. It’s Stephan.

Elena Gilbert: Never mind, you keep it. sulk

Damon Salvatore: smirk

Stefan Salvatore: phone smash!

Elena Gilbert: Really, I want to go home now.

Damon Salvatore: Come on, babe! Live a little! There’s this great BBQ joint right outside of Atlanta.

Elena Gilbert: Can I trust you not to mind-whammy me?

Damon Salvatore: innocent whistle

Alaric Saltzman: Oh noes, I have lost my magic ring of not exploding in the sunlight! Yet I am walking around in the sunlight! Perhaps the guy who was not a vampire in the books is not a vampire in the series, either!

Fans of the Books: put down their torches and pitchforks. but keep them close by

Stefan Salvatore: So, awkward attempt at small talk aside, can you use your witch-powers to make sure my girlfriend isn’t being eaten by my psycho brother?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!

Thomas: God, that girl is annoying.

Bonnie Bennet: Wait, my powers aren’t working! I’m not a witch!

Thomas: Oh please, please let this be true. (hint: it isn’t)

Elena Gilbert: You brought me to a bar? In Georgia?

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: Damon? Smooch! Shots all around! Also, like every African-American woman on the show, I’m a witch!

Thomas: expletive deleted

Jeremy Gilbert and Anna No-Last-Name: meet cute

Cute Young Murder Victim Clock: starts ticking

Bonnie Bennet: Help help help my brain powers are gone!

Grandma Bennet: Oh honey, you’re just blocked up. You need to clear yourself out.

Bonnie Bennet: You mean, like a bran muffin?

Damon Salvatore: So, can you help me break into Katherine’s tomb?

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: Sorry, babe, that tomb is sealed up for time and eternity, no way to get in, and no way to get out.

Bonnie Bennet: takes a walk through the woods, falls down a mine shaft and into Katherine’s tomb

Thomas: head. desk.

Elena Gilbert: So, if I’m related to Katherine, does that make me part vampire?

Damon Salvatore: No, vampires can’t procreate. But we love to try.

Thomas: Best. Quote. Ever.

Damon Salvatore: By the way, I can totally eat pickles, because blood makes my body work pretty much like a living human’s. </interesting-mythology-moment>

Elena Gilbert: makes a whiskey face when she drinks beer

Stefan Salvatore: rescues Bonnie

Bonnie Bennet: I’m alive!

Thomas: Yeah, yeah, we know. grumble

Elena Gilbert: Whoo I am the queen of shots whoo! One more round!

Damon Salvatore: 0_o

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: wanders casually into the bar

Elena Gilbert: Whoo I am the queen of pool whoo!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: kidnap!

Damon Salvatore: search!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: ambush! You killed my girlfriend, who the readers may know as Lexi, Stephan’s hot naked friend from out of town!

Elena Gilbert: No, please, do not hurt the lying, murdering, evil psychopath with the wind-blown hair and soulful eyes!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: Very well, human girl I’ve known for all of twenty seconds, you have changed my mind! Vengeance is for… vengeful… people. Away!

Damon Salvatore: So, Bree, about that guy you brought in to kill me…

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: So, um, I can totally help you get your psycho ex out of her tomb if you’ll just let me live oh and I spiked my drink with anti-vampire pot so you can’t eat me!

Damon Salvatore: Duly noted. rips her heart out of her chest. literally

Thomas: standing ovation

Elena Gilbert: So, about this crazy vampire chick that looks exactly like me and that you’re probably thinking about when we’re wink wink-ing and nudge nudge-ing…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, did I mention how I was there the day your parents died, and I’m the one who pulled you out of the car, and how I tried to save your parents, too, but I was too late? And then I went all Edward Cullen on you to make sure you weren’t really my psycho vampire ex come back from the un-un-dead?

Elena Gilbert: Then why do I look so much like her?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, you didn’t know? You were adopted. Surprise!

Elena Gilbert: weep

Stefan Salvatore: comfort

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: smooch!

Flashback time!

Damon Salvatore: snacks on Alaric Saltzman’s wife

Alaric Saltzman: looks on in impotent rage

The Plot: thickens

On to the next episode!

“Because really, nothing should feel more appropriate right now than gadding about Port-au-Prince offering survivors the chance to be hooked up to an e-meter. Hopefully if they find any gay people, they can begin curing them.” – Guardian.co.uk