“I knew that if anyone other than me was describing these symptoms I would lovingly handcuff them and take them to the hospital and help the shit out of them, whether they liked it or not.” -Rob Delaney

Last night, the following cryptic message emerged from the National Weather Service:

OMG WTF

WTF IS THAT ON THE RADAR?

OMG WTF WERE ALL GONNA DIE.

After that, silence. All attempts to contact the NWS have met with failure.

This morning, though the sky was gray and the wind cold, no one could point to anything particularly amiss. Still, there was an unmistakeable sense of foreboding. The eerie stillness. The furtive movement of the animals. The three car pile-up outside of my office this morning. It’s as if nature knows what’s coming.

And then a rescue team returned from the NWS. They found the compound empty, but this image was burning on all of the monitors:

Paralyzing Blizzard? We here in the North have another name for this phenomenon:

The end is upon us, friends, but if you are dilligent – and lucky – you may just be able to survive. Begin by following these steps:

1. Stay Off the Roads

For the love of God, don’t drive during the Snowpocalypse. People in New York can’t drive during the summer, and you expect them to be competent when there are twelve inches of icy death on the roads? Not on your life. New York drivers are a simple lot, and they spook easily.

The typical reaction to snow is something like this: “Wow, this is just like sledding when I was a kid! I bet it’d be even funner if I was doing 70! Wheee!” Crash, death, woe

Or: “Hey, I wonder what would happen if I jerk my wheel erratically right now?” Crash, death, woe

Or: “Oh my, it is ever so frightful out. I must drive slowly and carefully. Alas! I have pressed the gas when I meant to press the brake!” Crash, death, woe

Sensing a pattern?

2. Stock Up On Essentials

Since you aren’t going to be able to travel, it’s important that you have all of life’s necessities on hand for the duration of the Snowpocalypse.

Now, you might be tempted to buy lots of bottled water, but that would be an amateur’s mistake. It’s a little-known fact that snow is actually very cold water, and heating it up readily yields all the water you can drink. That’s science!

No, what you really want to focus on are canned goods and ammo. The canned goods are for eating. The ammo is for, well…

3. Form a Raiding Party

I travel a lot, and one thing I’ve learned is that no matter how carefully you pack, you’re going to forget something. The same is true when you’re preparing for armageddon. Sure, you’re stocked up on bacon and laden down with toothpaste, but you forgot to buy extra toilet paper, didn’t you? Yeah, that’s right, you did.

In kinder, simpler times, one could simply run to the store to purchase these overlooked items. But in this cold new world, it’s survival of the fittest, and to the winner goes the spoils. It’s time to find your inner Viking.

Bonus points if your inner Viking listens to techno.

My extensive research has led me to believe that the Viking style of combat involves large quantities of alcohol, public nudity, and broadswords. Feel free to mix these in whatever quantities you are most comfortable with.

Since you won’t be able to drive, you’re going to have to strike close to home. Your former neighbors – there’s no room for sentiment in the Cold Times – are ideal targets. Get yourself hopped up on mead, work yourself into a frenzy, take whatever you can, and burn the rest as a warning to all who would dare stand in your way.

As a bonus, your former neighbors can be burned for heat once you run out of fuel.

4. Defend Your Territory

You won’t be the only one burning and pillaging your way across the arctic tundra; other survival minded souls will be eager to take what you have rightfully stolen, and you’re going to have to take steps to defend yourself.

Since the men will be busy with the raping and the looting, this means arming the womenfolk back at home.

That’s just about right.

“So my mom says ‘nom nom nom’ now. It’s hilarious ’cause she’s old.” – AJ Wiswell

“I can’t build an installer on a brick.” – Adrian Maggio

I decided to finally acknowledge the “Please Update your WordPress” message that’s been nagging me for the last month or so, and decided to do it during the middle of the day, because I like to live on the edge.

Can I just say, I love how easy it is to upgrade this platform? The full instructions are here, but really, it boils down to “Delete these directories. Copy these files. Be careful about these ones. Visit this page, and click this button.” The whole thing took me less than half an hour, and most of that was waiting for files to transfer.

I’m also rolling up my sleeves and trying to remember PHP, so I can fix the layout of the comments section. You know, now that people are actually commenting. ;-)

Edit

Formatting comments was easier than I had feared. The author name and timestamp – along with a permalink to the comment – now appear at the top of each comment, inside of a light gray header. This should make it easier to distinguish between comments.

I’ve also turned on HTML for the comments, so you can do things like <b>bold</b> and <i>italicize</i> your comments, or add <a href=”http://www.thomas-galvin.com”>links</a>.

Finally, I added a spoiler class to the site’s CSS, so if you want to mention something that might be considered a spoiler, mark it up like this:

<span class=”spoiler”>Darth Vader is Luke’s father!</span>

Which will show up like this (swipe to read):

Darth Vader is Luke’s father!

“There is no such thing as a date hoodie. ‘The date hoodie’ is a complete figment of your imagination in which you’ve decided guys like you for your personality and intellect.” -An Open Letter to Girls Who Wear Hoodies

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

Elena Gilbert: Ow why does my head hurt… and why am I in a strange bed… and why is there a vampire bartender sitting in a chair right beside me… oh crap.

Elena Gilbert: Sneak… sneak… sneak…

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Vampire hearing Elena trying to escape and waking up and scaring the crap out of her powers activate!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Don’t try to escape. Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Elena Gilbert: Gets all glassy-eyed, agrees dumbly, tries to escape anyway.

Anna No-Last-Name: Um, hello, idiot? She dates a vampire. She’s totes stocked up with anti-vampire pot. Idiot

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Sadface

Elena Gilbert: Well, here I am, locked in the bathroom in Shady Dealings Motel. Oh, hey, Bonnie is trapped in here with me!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m unconscious!

Stefan Salvatore: Dude they took my girlfriend you gotta help even though I totally stabbed you in the back last episode!

Damon Salvatore: Hm. I’m thinking… no.

Stefan Salvatore: Pleeeeeeease! Look, I’ll admit that I was a jerk and that you’re better than me and that you’re cuter than me and I’ll even say that you’re taller if you want just please help me get my hot girlfriend back!

Damon Salvatore: Well, when you put it that way…. no.

Stefan Salvatore: If I wasn’t such a pansy, I would totally get back at you for this.

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie, they need a witch to open the tomb to free Katherine to advance the plot!

Bonnie Bennet: I’ll never help them!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Oh, well, I guess we’ll just let you go then.

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: Really?

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Ha! No! I’m gonna torture Elena until Bonnie behaves!

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: Sadface

The Entire Cast: Hey! Remember us? We’re still in this show!

Caroline Forbes: Matt, I wrote a speech. It’s a “you kissed me and I don’t want things to get weird” speech.

Matt Donovan: That’s… weird.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Gramma B, have you seen Bonnie?

Grandma Bennet: Your kind ain’t welcome here, vampire. No matter how cute you are.

Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah? Step out here and say that!

Grandma Bennet: Steps out there.

Grandma Bennet: Super witch mind pain ray vampire felling powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Ow! Man, it sucks when they fight back!

Anna No-Last-Name: My mother is trapped in the tomb! Because she’s a vampire! Pout.

Elena Gilbert: My mother is trapped in a tomb! Because she’s dead! Pout.

Anna No-Last-Name: So, enough bonding. This your phone?

Elena Gilbert: Hey, gimme back my product placement blackberry!

Anna No-Last-Name: Ah ah ah! Hey Stephan, I’ve got your girlfriend and your witch. Let’s do lunch!

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fire with my water with my brain!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Stops, drops, rolls. Wow, that really works! And now I’m angry! This is my angry face! >:-= Grr!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, wanna go to a party tonight? It’s by the cemetery in the woods, near the Ominous Vampire Tomb!

Anna No-Last-Name: Boy, do I!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Mutters ominous threats. Ominously.

Stefan Salvatore: Breaks down the door and tears down the curtains, letting the sunlight stream in, sending Vampire Ben screaming into the corner. Which is what the girls should have done, oh, an hour ago.

Stefan Salvatore: When the sun goes down, leave town. If I ever see you again, I will kill you.

Wesley Snipes as Blade: You better wake up. The world you live in is just a sugar-coated topping! There is another world beneath it – the real world. And if you wanna survive it, you better learn to pull the trigger!

Thomas: What Mr. Snipes meant to say is that Stephan is a huge girl, and might want to think about killing the evil demon monsters that keep kidnapping his girlfriend.

Elena Gilbert: Okay, look, I know I hurt you and I know you’re angry, but I promise cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die (but not really please don’t hurt me) that I’m telling you the truth! I’ll help you get Katherine back! Look, here’s my anti-vampire-pot necklace! Do the Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula> thing! Ask me if I’m lying.

Damon Salvatore: Steps in close, looks Elena in the eye, and… fastens her necklace around her throat.

Damon Salvatore: I trust you. Don’t make me regret it.

Thomas: That was… kind of hot, actually.

Caroline Forbes: Elena! Where have you been?

Elena Gilbert: Not plotting to unleash Damon’s psycho vampire ex, that’s for sure!

Matt Donovan: Hey, I’m Matt. We haven’t met.

Damon Salvatore: There’s a reason we haven’t. Let’s go. Grab’s Elena’s arm, drags her away.

Thomas: Brief aside: I know they’re trying to play up a whole “Caroline is insecure because Matt isn’t over Elena” thing, but after watching Damon drag her off like that, he would be totally right to be worried about her, and Caroline, who was eaten by Damon on numerous occasions, should understand that. Also: the whole creepy-stalker-edward-cullen-obsessive-controlling-boyfriend thing is not okay. </soapbox>

Stefan Salvatore: Magical supplies: check. Witches: check. Flamethrower for the other vampires: check. Okay, let’s do this thing!

Grandma Bennet: Casts a circle, calls the towers, and gets ready to rend the veil.

Thomas: Has already spotted half a dozen mistakes in her formula. Don’t ask.

Bonnie Bennet and Grandma Bennet: Mumble mumble something vaguely Latin.

The Seal to Katherine’s Tomb: Slides open like a low-budget stone prop.

Damon Salvatore: Sweet! So… I’m going to take Elena with me and get my psycho vampire ex back! Let’s go, insurance policy!

Anna No-Last-Name: I’m going to get my mommy back! And Ben the Vampire Bartender is going to eat Elena’s brother if you try to stop me!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Grr! Arg! Charge!

Stefan Salvatore: Clothesline!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Is that all you got?

Stefan Salvatore: Nope. I got this. Flamethrower!

Thomas and Wesley Snipes as Blade: Slow clap, building to thunderous applause.

Grandma Bennet: Hey, did I mention how I only opened the door, and didn’t break the seal? And how Elena can get out of the tomb because she’s human, but Damon and the rest are stuck down there forever?

Anna No-Last-Name: Mommy! You look thirsty! Bites Elena.

Elena Gilbert: Screams.

Stefan Salvatore: Rushes in stupidly heroically.

Damon Salvatore: Katherine’s not here. She’s not here. She’s not here! She’s not here! Throws a bag of blood on the ground. Epic. Sad. Face.

Elena Gilbert: Consoling hug.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Awwwwww!

Elena Gilbert: So you don’t remember anything? At all?

Jeremy Gilbert: Nope! And I’m definitely not going to Google “vampires in the real world” as soon as you’re gone!

Anna No-Last-Name and Mamma No-Last-Name: Have rather poor night vision, for vampires.

Damon Salvatore: Lurks creepily in the chair in the corner.

Damon Salvatore: Where’s Katherine? Throat grab! Menace! Grr!

Anna No-Last-Name: Oh, didn’t I mention? She turned one of the guards at the church into a vampire, and he let her go. She was in Chicago not too long ago. And is totally not that into you.

Damon Salvatore: Epic. Heart. Break.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Awwwwww!

Grandma Bennet: Well, that was quite a spell.

Grandma Bennet: Dies.

Bonnie Bennet: Grandma? Grandma! Grabs the Book of Shadows. I can fix this! I’m a witch! I’m a witch. I’m… a… witch…

Thomas: Is now Team Bonnie. Well played, show, well played.

Some Random Vampire: Grabs Damon’s bag of blood, drinks it, stumbles out into the night.

The Plot: Thickens.

On to the next episode!

“WHAT IS NOT ROMANTIC ABOUT A WOLF MOVIE? Come on, you have guys in it, you have girls in it, you have kissing probably.” – The World’s Least Romantic Dates, Rhonda Stapleton

“This Friday, the release of Wolfman brings werewolves back to movie theaters for the first time since… well, since November, actually, when that kid with the abs fought the guy who sparkles for the love of the girl who pouts a lot.” -Chris Sims

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

A Creepy-Ass Carriage: Trundles down a dark, woodsy path.

Katherine Pierce and Damon Salvatore: Wait for the Creep-Ass Carriage to run them over.

This: Will become much more dramatic when someone invents the internal combustion engine.

Rich Southern Drawl Guy: It ain’t safe out here, ma’am!

Katherine Pierce: Why, no, it isn’t! Fangs!

Rich Southern Drawl Guy: Dies.

Let’s Pretend That This Guy Isn’t A Slave: Also dies.

Katherine Pierce: Is a messy eater, and a sloppy kisser.

Damon Salvatore: Is strangely all right with this.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Cuddly nakedly.

Damon Salvatore: Morning, guys!

Elena Gilbert: Eep! Cover-snatch!

Damon Salvatore: Please, if I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.

Damon Salvatore: Gets all the best lines.

Damon Salvatore: So, you guys look for the journal that will lead us to the Book of Shadows that will lead us to some other McGuffin that will eventually lead us to Katherine. I’m going to go eat someone. Tootles!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Wait for it… wait for it… smooch!

Katherine Pierce and Damon Salvatore: Giggle, tussle, smooch, fangs!

Asian Vampire Chick: So, the townsfolk are hitting up the anti-vampire pot. We’re getting really close to pitchforks-and-torches again. Time to move on?

Katherine Pierce: Pish tosh! I’m not done sullying the Salvatore brothers yet!

Anna No-Last-Name: Sup folks! Bet you never would have guessed that I have a long and torturous past with Katherine and the Salvatores, would you?

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Ow! Sunlight burns!

Anna No-Last-Name: You’re a vampire. And an idiot.

Elena Gilbert: So, do you think Damon’s figured out we’re gonna stab him in the back yet?

Stefan Salvatore: Nah! I’m sure that my evil, deceitful brother, who has a century and a half’s worth of experience lying and detecting lies, trusts me fully.

Elena Gilbert: And if he manages to set Katherine fee?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, you know. Wholesale slaughter, the end of days, the usual. Also, probably cake. Katherine loves cake.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, look at all the old crap you guys found! It’s almost as old as the journal of our vampire-slaying forefather, which I lent to Alaric “Why No, I’m Not a Vampire Slayer” Saltzman!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Significant look.

Alaric Saltzman: Treats one-hundred-and-fifty year old historical relics with all the care and concern you’d show an old issue of TV Guide.

Creepy Shadow Vampire: Creeps through the shadows.

Alaric Saltzman: Pulls a pneumatic stake launcher out of his school locker.

Thomas: 0_o

Alaric Saltzman: Stake launch!

Stefan Salvatore: Stake catch! Teacher throw! So, what’s with the Van Helsing routine?

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, you know. Wife murdered by vampires, sworn to a life of secrecy and revenge, became a high school history teacher because the girls are hot. The usual.

Stefan Salvatore: The Gilbert journal?

Alaric Saltzman: On my desk.

Stefan Salvatore: No it’s not.

Alaric Saltzman: Oh… poop. sadface

Anna No-Last-Name: Blah blah blah, stilted English, oh creepy he thought my mom was hot, Katherine is going to turn the Salvatore brothers, Damon has daddy issues… God, this diary sucks. Is Jersey Shore on or something?

Damon Salvatore: Cooks dinner for Aunt Jenna.

Aunt Jenna: Hey, have I ever told you how my single defining character trait is talking about my bad romances? See, there was this guy, Logan Fell… Slams a glass of wine.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, yeah, him. They never found his body him, did they? Hey, here, have more wine!

Elena Gilbert: Um…

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, by the way, your brother was totes the guy who ate my wife, and I’m totes going to ram a stake through his dead, black heart.

Stefan Salvatore: You… might want to keep that tidbit to yourself.

Damon Salvatore: So, can I trust Stephan?

Elena Gilbert: What? Why would you say that? That’s crazy talk! Of course you can trust him he’s your brother and he loves you and he would never lie to you and he would certainly never hatch a plan to lock you in a magic witch tomb with your psycho ex vampire lover so that he can finally catch up on Days of Our Lives without worrying about whether or not you’re going to eat the cleaning lady! Nervous laugh.

Damon Salvatore: Well, that was… convincing.

Stefan Salvatore: So, I’m thinking about telling Dad that we’re both shacking up with a vampire.

Damon Salvatore: Our dad, the Founder and President of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, and Treasurer of the “We Hate Vampires” club? That dad? Sure, sounds like a great plan. Idiot.

Aunt Jenna: Your hot boyfriend’s hot brother is hot! And he cooks!

Damon Salvatore: Smirk.

Elena Gilbert: He’s an ass.

Damon Salvatore: Eye roll.

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Sings Metallica Karaoke

Thomas: Has been there, done that.

Bonnie Bennet: I love Elena! I’d like die for her!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: That can be arranged.

Bonnie Bennet: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: So, about the weird hot asian chick that’s always asking about Gilbert the Vampire Slayer’s journal?

Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah, she’s so clingy. She wants to meet at the grill tonight.

Damon Salvatore: Great! I’ll drive!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, that weird hot stalker asian chick looks a lot like Katherine’s vampire friend’s… daughter… OMG WTF?!? Dun dun dun!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, it says here that your father promised to carry the secrets of the Book of Shadows with him to his grave!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, I bet that totally doesn’t mean it’s literally buried in his coffin with him! And there’s no way Damon’s going to go exhuming his body or anything wacky like that!

Stefan Salvatore: So, dad, I was thinking… how do we know vampires are all evil? What if one of them was good? And hot? Like, really, really hot?

Daddy Salvatore: What? Have you any evidence of this foolishness? Have you even met a vampire?

Stefan Salvatore: What? No! Haha! Of course I’ve never met a vampire. And I’ve definitely never wink-wink-ed and nudge-nudge-ed one. Why do you ask? Nervous laugh.

Stefan Salvatore: Holy crap, the Book of Shadows is literally buried in his coffin with him! And we’re going to go exhuming his body or something wacky like that!

Damon Salvatore: Throat grab!

Anna No-Last-Name: Throat grab!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, okay, we both let go on three… two… one…

Stefan Salvatore: You’re hot.

Katherine Pierce: I know. Tackle, smooch, bite! Gag! Anti-vampire pot!

Daddy Salvatore: What ho! Her true form is revealed! You go get the Sheriff! And I shall stand here ineffectively, watching her until she inevitably recovers and murders me!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: So, the night is young and I’m all yours… what do you want to do?

Bonnie Bennet: This! Smooch! Gasp! Freak out and quickly recover!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Wait, what’s wrong?

Bonnie Bennet: Oh, nothing! I just should have waited until the end of the night to kiss you! I totally didn’t have a psychic flash of impending doom and death and woe, like I did the first time I touched Stephan, who is also a vampire! Nervous laugh. Hey, I have to run to the bathroom real quick!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Okay! Oh, and by the way, Fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: Digs up his father’s grave.

Elena Gilbert: Helps by standing by and making inane comments.

Damon Salvatore: Hey guys! That sure is a nice Book of Shadows you got there!

Damon Salvatore: So, since you’re obviously not going to just give me the Book of Shadows… hey Elena, here, drink some of my blood!

Elena Gilbert: Gurgle, cough, sputter!

Damon Salvatore: So… gimme the book, or I snap her neck, which would turn her into a vampire, which wold mean you’d have to put up with her forever.

Stefan Salvatore: Well since you put it that way…

Daddy Salvatore: Slaps a Vampire Chastity Belt over Katherine’s fangs.

Damon Salvatore: Stephan! I’ll never forgive you for this! At least until the second season!

Anna No-Last-Name: Me, either!

Stefan Salvatore: Sadface.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, have you guys seen Anna No-Last-Name?

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what? Super speed Elena protecting vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Is missing.

The Window: Is open conspicuously.

The Plot: Thickens.

On to the next episode!