The Trailer: Stallone. Statham. Li.

The Audience: Wow.

The Trailer: Lundgren. Couture. Austin.

The Audience: God damn.

The Trailer: Crews. Rourke.

The Audience: Holy shit.

The Trailer: With uncredited cameos by Willis…

The Audience: Jesus effing Christ.

The Trailer: And Schwarzenegger.

The Audience: Mangasm.

Read the rest of this entry »

This Week on the Web brings you vampires, annoying movie trends, hot girls with dry erase boards, a bevy of cute animals, career prospects for college grads, the Queerpocalypse, and more!

Read the rest of this entry »

Previously, on True Blood

Vampire Bill: Sookie! My darling love!

Sookie Stackhouse: Freaks right out.

Alcide Herveaux: Grrr!

Vampire Bill: Back off!

Alcide Herveaux: I don’t take orders from vamps!

Thomas: I hate to interrupt, but didn’t you get dragged into all of this because Eric Northman told you to help Sookie?

Read the rest of this entry »

Amber: Hey, do you guys want to go see Step Up 3D tonight? We totally know the hair dresser!

Thomas: Let me ask The Girlfriend. Hey, Girlfriend, do you want to go see Step Up 3D tonight?

AJ: Yes… but do you?

Thomas: Sure, I’m game.

Thomas: Is an idiot.

Read the rest of this entry »

30 Days of Night: Dark Days: (video) A direct-to-DVD sequel to that other vampire movie, which actually looks pretty good. (via io9)

Another Sucker Punch Image: The killer mech has a pink bunny rabbit painted on the face. This movie keeps getting more and more awesome. Oh, and it’s a toy, too.

Another Inception Infographic: Nifty, though I’mnot sure it’s right about where Cobb goes to limbo. Eh, whatevs. (via The Daily What)

Six Evil Corporations with Terrible Business Plans Seriously, how does Umbrella plan to make a profit?

Shift By Tim Kring: (video) I love the idea of book trailers. This novel, from the creator of Heroes, seems to tell a Manchurian Candidate style story about the assassination of JFK. (via io9)

Rambo fact Sheet: Including such vital information as “Number of Kills by Rambo with Shirt On” and “Number of Kills by Rambo with Shirt Off”. (via Matt Burdell)

Arnold is 63: And here are 63 facts about The Austrian Oak.

Metroid: Other M Gameplay Footage: (video) A new side-scrolling Metroid for the Wii? Yes please.

Video Game Demakes: A “demake” is when a game is remade for a previous-generation console. Nostalgia rears its ugly head once more. (And it’s awesome.)

Dancer v. Ice Cream Truck: “I’m so cool, I’m gonna dance in the street! Watch the cars swerve around me!” “Hey, look out for that…” (via Matt Burdell and Jon Nightingale) (local cache)

Aimbot!: (video) What life would be like if aimbots were real. (via The Daily What)

The Cracked Guide to Fonts: This article may contain the only legitimate use of Papyrus and Comic Sans.

An Illustrated Guide to Facial Hair: Turns out I’ve been wearing a Circle Beard, not a Goatee, for the last decade or so. Who knew?

What Everyone Knows: The James Randi Educational Foundation would like to point out an important fact: we’re probably wrong.

Automatic Image Deblurring: a Microsoft research team has developed a way to automatically correct the “shaky-cam” effect you often see on hand-held and camera phones. The first clear image of Bigfoot is certain to follow. (via Slashdot)

Vulcan Mind Melds are Sorta Possible: If you reeeeeeeealy love the other person. (via io9)

Court Overturns California Ban on Gay Marriage: I want to do the Happy Dance of Screw You, Bigots, but I’m honestly worried about what the Supreme Court will do when they get their hands on this.

Stephen Colbert on The Obama Diaries: Conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham wrote a book called The Obama Diaries, which purport to be written by Obama himself. Stephen Colbert pretty much calls her an idiot and a racist to her face, and I fall in love with yet another man. Sorry, Eric. (via Blag Hag)

The Modesty Survey: Did you know that showing a bra strap, even unintentionally, is a stumbling block to young Christian men? Well now you do. (via Pharyngula)

Previously, on True Blood

Lorena the Crazy Maker: You know how every single supernatural creature on this show is obligated to ask Sookie “what are you?” It’s my turn.

Vampire Bill: Did I ever tell you that I studied Brazillian Jui Juitsu in Rio? Collar choke grapevine into rear mount powers activate!

Sookie Stackhouse: Did I ever tell you I studied carpentry in high school? Creating a makeshift stake out of random assortments of wood powers activate!

The Special Effects Crew: Did we ever tell you how the “Johnny Depp dies” scene in the original Nightmare on Elm Street is our favorite thing of ever? Turning Lorena into a gushing fountain of blood powers activate!

Lorena the Crazy Maker: Dies.

Read the rest of this entry »

Nomskulls: Open skull, receive tasty, tasty brains. (via BoingBoing)

The Epic Tale of Missy the Missing Cat: “Hey, can you drop everything and help me with a personal problem?” “Why yes, yes I can.” Lesson: do not invoke the wrath of a creative type. (via Slashdot)

Inception Infographic, Another view of Inception’s levels: A handy guide to who dreamed what and why.

The Secret Behind the Music of Inception: (Video) You know how time slows down radically when you’re in a dream? Well…

Philips Carousel Commercial: (Video) A two-minute long, comlex, bullet-time-esque shoot. Very cool. (via Cleolinda Jones)

The Gay Reichs: (Video) I bet you didn’t know that Hitler was gay, did you? Or that the SS were gay, too? And hand-picked because of the naturally violent tendencies of gays? Well Reverend Scott Lively is here to educate you, with his new book The Pink Swastika. This clip is a Daily Show interview. Choice Quotes: “I’d rather be hanging out on a beach, but I got stuck with dealing with gay Nazis,” and “What you hate the most, you secretly are?” “…I’m not gay.” (via Pharyngula)

Sucker Punch by Zack Snyder: (Video) Hot girls + katanas + guns + samurai + dragons + giant battle mechs = my ass, in a seat, opening night.

Nick Cave to revise The Crow reboot: I’m cautiously optimistic about this, but the last time we said “let’s get a dark and gritty rock star to remake this classic goth film”, we got Rob Zombie’s Halloween II, which still makes me want to punch babies.

Chuck and Tina Spread TB: Episode One: These guys have a podcast about The Vampire Diaries, which I guested on a while back, and now they’ve turned their attention to True Blood. Give them a listen.

Boycott Bill Murray for a Better America: Bill Murray is worse than the homosexuals and liberal socialist philosophers, according to this article. At first. I honestly couldn’t tell if this was a joke. (via Richard Šchwab)

Teen dressed as the Joker burns down his high school: It was a great plan until he stood around waiting for the cops, then said “see that burning building over there? Yeah, that was me.”

An ant drinking from rain drop: (Video) This little bugger actually looks cute while it’s wrestling with its rain drop, and when it faceplants right onto it? Squee. (via BoingBoing)

BlindType: (Video) A keyboard for iPhone (boo) and eventually Android (yay!), this thing’s auto-correct is amazing. So amazing that, if it detects you’re holding it at a weird angle or typing a few letters off, it will adjust to you. It will even let you type with no on-screen keyboard at all. Awesome.

Mass. Legislature approves plan to bypass Electoral College: The Electoral College is a terrible idea. This is a good way to get rid of it.

Government of, by and for the Corporation: Roger Ebert’s blog on why immunity for BP is insane and wrong.

It’s more than genes, it’s networks and systems: A biologist explains why your understanding of evolution – even if you believe in it – is probably wrong. PZ Myers discusses: how environment can lead to something that appears to be mutation, but is not; how most mutations are neutral; how multiple genes/mutations go into creating a single expression; how evolution occurs at a population level, not an individual level; and how network theory comes into play.

The Fusion of the Chromosomes: (Video) Dr. Ken Miller shows one way in which evolution could have been falsified, and goes on to show how the evidence supports evolution. (via The Friendly Atheist)

Previously, on True Blood

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Leads Vampire Bill, Sookie Stackhouse, and various and sundry thugs back into his castle rather large house.

Vampire Bill: Suckhy! I must protect you! Super vampire ripping the banister apart and using it to stake the burly vampire bodyguard so that he explodes into a puddle of goop powers activate! (Except he activated his powers all formal and accent-ey)

The Burly Vampire Bodyguard: Dies.

Vampire Bill: Super vampire jumping onto the Queen King’s back and staking him with my makeshift weapon powers activate!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Hey there jackass, I’m like three thousand years old, and the strongest person in the room. What, did you think they made me King because of my fabulous fashion sense? Super vampire throwing Vampire Bill up into the ceiling then watching him collapse into a painful heap on the stairs powers activate!

Vampire Bill: Suckhy!

Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill!

Vampire Bill: Eric! Get Sookie out of here!

Eric Northman: Well, I could do that, or I could present her to the King as a delicious telepathic Christmas snack.

Sookie Stackhouse: Eep!

Vampire Bill: Brood!

Eric Northman: Charm!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Melt!

Sookie Stackhouse: Eric, you poopyhead!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Off with Vampire Bill’s head!

Sookie Stackhouse: King, you poopyhead!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: The carpets! The walls! All is ruined!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Drama queen.

Vampire Bill: Eric, save Sookie!

Eric Northman: Smirk!

Thomas: Well, this certainly is a circle jerk.

Sookie Stackhouse: Eric! Eric Eric Eric Eric Eri!

Eric Northman: Please shut up.

Sookie Stackhouse: Eric!

Eric Northman: Mouth cover.

Thomas: Golf clap.

The Bitchy Customer: Is bitchy.

Arlene Fowler: Lafayette! The bitch over at table five wants you to get your bitch ass into the kitchen and make her some bitch ass chicken and some bitch ass peas!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please!

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Want me to help? I make a mean man chowder.

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Yes.

Arlene Fowler: Ow! I cut my finger peeling this potato or something!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Fangs!

Arlene Fowler: The power of Christ compels you! To not eat me! Or my baby!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: …dumbass.

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: I ain’t no virgin!

Jason Stackhouse: Score!

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: But I ain’t no pervert, neither!

Jason Stackhouse: That’s okay, we can do it vanilla!

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: But I smell something and I have to go now okay bye bye!

Jason Stackhouse: Sniff sniff. I knew those Axe commercials were bullshit.

Sookie Stackhouse: Eric! I thought you loved me because I’m the specialist waitressed that ever was special!

Eric Northman: Look honey, I’m about to go all Ragnarok on the Queen King’s ass for murdering my daddy a thousand years ago. Do. Not. Fuck. This. Up. For. Me.

Sookie Stackhouse: Eric! I can do an Eric impersonation! I love Sookie because she’s special and blond and the lead actess </eric>

Eric Northman: Fangs!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Can I be alone with the blond girl for a bit?

Eric Northman: Thank. Odin. Yes.

Arlene Fowler: God I wish that bitch customer would leave!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

The Bitchy Customer: Why, I have the sudden urge to stop eating, leave all of my money on the table, and wander into the lonely, dark recesses of Merlott’es Blood Bank!

Arlene Fowler: Money money money money!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Fangs!

Arlene Fowler: Um, I couldn’t but help hearing the pained screams, the thumping, and a gurgling sound which is suspiciously reminiscent of blood running out of a fanged jugular… is everything okay?

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

The Bitchy Customer: Why yes, everything is peaches and cream! Please pay no attention to the blood running out from under the scarf I tied around my neck in the ninety degree heat!

Alan Ball: Let’s see how long we can drag out “will they or won’t they” with an on-screen, male, homosexual kiss!

Lafayette Reynolds and Jesus the Gay Nurse: Bitch please! They’re the healthiest, most normal couple on the show. Which probably means Jesus is an eldritch abomination summoned forth by Dick Cheney to give birth to the million evil seeds of the apocalypse or something.

Sookie Stackhouse and The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Play Truth or Dare.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: I dare you… to tell me what in the nine fires of hell you are before I skewer you with this red hot poker!

Sookie Stackhouse: I dare you… to tell me how little I really know about vampire society, even though I’m dating one vampire, and another, older, more powerful vampire has been going all Edward Cullen on me for the last couple of seasons!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: I dare you… to look at this file Vampire Bill has been keeping on you and your family, including these pedo-tastic photos, without breaking down and crying!

Sookie Stackhouse: Looses Truth or Dare.

Vampire Bill: So, any chance we can do this quick and painless?

Lorena the Crazy Maker: Nope! Scalpel!

Thomas: W. T. F.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Do you have any… nines?

Eric Northman: Go fish!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Eric! Let’s go kill somebody!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: You never take me anywhere!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Drama. Queen.

Eric Northman: Flips through the script. Odin, how many more pages before I get to kill these idiots? Odindammit.

Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill!

Tara Thornton’s Brain: Don’t worry Sookie, I’m all hopped up on V now, and once the sun come’s up, I’m gonna kick some furry werewolf ass. Also: franklin’s getting staked.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: So… Sookie?

Eric Northman: Yawn.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Werewolves?

Eric Northman: Ick.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Selling V to werewolves so they’ll help me take over the world?

Eric Northman: Whatevs.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Sigh. Do you remember the good old days? Before everything was polluted, and humans didn’t all taste like Cheetos?

Eric Northman: And the sky was clear and the moon was bright and my father hadn’t been murdered by your werewolves you stinking son of a soon to be dead bitch? Yeah, I have vague memories.

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Hey, nice Virgin Mary collection! Of course, I call her [Some weird ass Voodoo name]!

Thomas: Goddammit Alan Ball…

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Oh, and hey, is that a bunch of rednecks taking a baseball bat to your shaggin waggon?

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Redneck bootstomp powers activate!

Redneck Numero Uno: Please stop hitting me! You seem like such a nice drug dealer!

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Drug dealer! Take me home this instant! Pout!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Bitch.

The Vampire Queen of Louisiana: Is trying to solve her financial woes by playing the Lotto. Which makes her as dumb as most humans.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: So, marry me?

The Vampire Queen of Louisiana: Fuck you.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Actually, that would be one of the benefits of marrying me: I’m gay, so you get to sleep with whoever you want. And I’ll pay off all of your debts.

The Vampire Queen of Louisiana: Suck it!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: And I’ll tell Eric not to rip your head off for selling him out and getting his Progeny tortured at the hands of the Magister.

Eric Northman: Fangs!

The Vampire Queen of Louisiana: Deal!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Happy dance!

Eric Northman: Charm!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Melt!

Vampire Bill: Lorena, I disagree with your lifestyle, and regret partaking in it. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

Cooter and Debbie Van Pelt: Whoo! Vampire blood! Whee!

Lorena the Crazy Maker: Blood Tears!

Sam’s Redneck Family: Are rednecks.

Thomas: Gets a snack.

Tara Thornton: Wakes up next to Franklin (and covered in his blood).

Thomas: Wow, that sure is a nice collection of axes on the wall.

Tara Thornton: Creeps toward the axes.

Thomas: Do it. Do it do it do it!

Tara Thornton: Does it.

Thomas: Holy shit. But why didn’t you decapitate him…?

Jason Stackhouse: Hi Crystal! I’m here to make things awkward between you and your fiance!

Tara Thornton: Hi! You look dumb enough to believe that Talbot had me bring Sookie a special meal, so could you open the door? Also: sack tap!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Bitch.

Arlene Fowler: Hey Sam, just thought you should know your redneck family is breaking your “no pets” rule, what with that big, ugly pitbull that they-

Sam Merlotte: Running off to rescue my little brother from Michael Vick powers activate!

Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill!

Tara Thornton: Sookie, you’re an idiot.

Everyone: Agrees.

QB One and Some Chick: Hump hump hump hump hump!

Jason Stackhouse: Sir, step out of the car please.

Announcer: Tonight, on a very special You’re a Goddamn Idiot, Jason learns the meaning of the phrases Impersonating an Officer of the Law and Wrongful Detainment.

Cooter and Debbie Van Pelt: Whee! Vampire blood! Whoo!

Sookie Stackhouse: White. Trash.

Tara Thornton: Oh shit a werewolf oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Alcide Herveaux: It’s okay! I’m hot! And a good guy!

Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill!

Lorena the Crazy Maker: Hi Sookie! Fangs!

The Plot: Thickens.

On to the next episode!

Pictures of the Horcruxes and Hallows from the next Harry Potter: Can you believe that this whole thing started a decade ago?

If Movie Titles Were Honest: My favorite is the Harry Potter poster.

The Science of Inception: A quick info-dump on the science of dreaming.

Super Heroes vs Westboro Baptists: In case you don’t know, The Westboro Baptist Church, led by raving lunatic Fred Phelps, is the “Got Hates Fags” chanting, soldier’s funeral protesting, group of asshats that make the news every now and then. They’re protesting ComicCon this week, because “Batman and Superman are idols”, or some such crap. ComicCon attendees are protesting back, by, for instance, chanting “WHAT DO WE WANT?” “GAY SEX!” “WHEN DO WE WANT IT?” “NOW!” All while dressed up like Bender. Also: a trekkie with a sign that says “God hates Jedi”. I love these people. (via Tim Chestnutt)

The History of Hawkman: This is why this character’s backstory is radioactive. God.

New Iron Man Toys: I have to admit, I’m a total whore for the Silver Centurion armor.

Thor and Captain America Concept Art Posters: These are just beautiful. I just hope they make Thor as cool as he could be, a la 300. And I really wish they’d used the Ultimate Mjolnir. (local cache: Thor, Captain America)

First Photo of Ryan Reynolds as The Green Lantern: I want to be excited for this movie, but I just can’t seem to make myself care. Anyway, get back to me when the headline reads First Photo of Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool. That I will squee over.

Devil: From the “Mind” of M. Night Shyamalan: (Video) I bet the girl who gets bitten or whatever in the first few seconds is the devil, and the twist is that M. Night Shyamalan is still a terrible filmmaker.

Super Mario Takes to the Sidewalk: (Video) This is part of some kid’s Master’s thesis, focusing on matching live action to CGI. And it’s amazing. (via Topless Robot)

Mega Man’s Most Dangerous Foe: (Video) Goddamn spikes. (via Topless Robot)

Cardboard Warfare: (Video) You know what? There are way too many people in the world that are way better at special effects than I am. (via Gizmodo)

Carl Sagan: A Universe Not Made For Us: (Video) Favorite quote: “We are the custodians of life’s meaning… knowledge is preferable to ignorance. Better by far to embrace the hard truth, than a reassuring fable. If we crave some cosmic purpose, then let us find four ourselves a worthy goal.” (via Pharyngula)

Vatican makes attempted ordination of women a grave crime: The Vatican this week instituted a rule making the “attempted ordination” of women as grave a crime as the sexual abuse of minors. Which means I guess people who attempt to ordain women won’t be punished, either.

Dinobot Combiner: The fact there there is no Dinobot gestalt is Transformers cannon is a crime against humanity. (local cache)

The Web Book: A pretty comprehensive guide to setting up your own web site, from registering a domain name, finding a host, coding HTML, CSS, Wordpress, MySQl, and PHP. Chances are, if you want to do something with your best site, this book addresses it. And the best part: it’s a free download.

App Inventor for Android: From Google Labs, programming for the rest of us. App Inventor is a tool that makes is remarkably simple to build a user interface and wire up the logic to an Android app. If you have an HTC Hero, or a Droid, or any of the other Google phones out there, you might be interested in this.

Cruz Reader from Velocity Micro : (Video) An neat Android-based tablet. I wish it was hooked up to Barnes & Noble instead of Broder’s, and the touchscreen seems to be a bit sluggish, but I’m really pulling for an Android tablet to make it big. Gizmodo has more.

Nook arrives on Android: My favorite e-reader for my favorite phone. Love. Of course, I’d love it more if the app was actually in the market already. (via Gizmodo)

Ian’s Shoelace Site: What happens when you take a computer programmer, add in a dash of OCD, and mix in an interest in knots? The most comprehensive site on tying your shoelaces in the world. I’m not even making fun of this, it’s incredible. I’m going to be using the Halloween Knot come October, and the Ian Knot may become the way I tie my shoes all the time.

How a Sewing Machine Works: Prepare to be hypnotized. (via Roger Ebert)

Urban Dictionary: Palin: 57 definitions and counting.

Previously, on True Blood

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Okay Tara, you just sit right here in this chair. To which I have tied you. With excessively thick ropes.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Dude, she totally clashes with the drapes.

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Fangs!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Fangs!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi, Vampire Bill, and Lorena: Walk in covered in stripper blood.

Tara Thornton: Hi Bill!

Vampire Bill: …goddammit.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: I don’t like it when you bring strange men home! Pout!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Hello? King? Doing King-type stuff? Sometimes that involves talking to other men. Drama queen.

Tara Thornton: Hi Bill it’s really good to see you Bill and we sure did miss you Bill but since you’re here can you maybe untie me and get me the hell out of here?

Vampire Bill: Yawn.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: So, the girl?

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Dude, she’s a trainwreck! Can’t hold a job, can’t keep a steady boyfriend… we’re like twins!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Fair enough. And Bill Compton?

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Well, this file full of photos from when Sookie was a kid means he’s either a big time pedo, or the Vampire Queen of Louisiana sent him to befriend her in order to gain access to her telepathic powers. Or both.

Alcide Herveaux: Grr! Me am angry werewolf! Angry werewolf drive like asshole!

Sookie Stackhouse: Say, when you’re done trying to murder us with a pothole, could you take me to see the Vampire Queen King of Mississippi? I’m pretty sure that won’t be life threatening for either of us! Tee hee!

Alcide Herveaux: Facepalm.

Eric Northman: I-

Thomas: Squee!

Eric Northman: Wait, what?

Alice Cullen: He does that. You get used to it.

Thomas: Squee!

Alice Cullen: See?

Eric Northman: Oh. All right then. So, I told you, I come in peace, and you can get your goon-hands off of me.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Hello there? Who is this?

Eric Northman: Charm.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Melt.

Eric Northman: So, long story short, Bill Compton went missing, and he’s suspected of selling vampire blood.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Well, what a happy coincidence! Vampire Bill just happens to be my new Sheriff! Let’s ask him if that’s true!

Vampire Bill: Hi Eric!

Eric Northman: Huh. Well that’s awkward. But if you’re here, that means Sookie’s…

Vampire Bill: No longer mine. Grumble.

Eric Northman: Victory dance!

Vampire Bill: But, no. I already told the King that you’ve been dealing V on the Queen’s orders.

Eric Northman: Viking curse words. So, new plan. Wanna help me murder the Magister?

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Your idea intrigues me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Eric Northman: Victory dance! Again!

Debbie Van Pelt: The Vampire Queen King’s gonna murder you if anyone finds out about the biker bar full of werewolves hopped up on vampire blood!

Sookie Stackhouse: Hi!

Debbie Van Pelt: White trash rage powers activate!

Sookie Stackhouse: Taunting the supernatural with no regard for my safety, or the safety of the guy protecting me, powers activate!

Alcide Herveaux: Goddammit.

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: So, do you like your new nightgown? And your new bed? And your new restraints?

Tara Thornton: …yes?

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Yay! Also, who the fuck is Lafayette? I thought you said no boyfriends? Throat grab!

Tara Thornton: Cousin! Also: gay!

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Oh, good! Say, wanna see something cool? Vampire texting really fast powers activate!

Thomas: 0_o

Jason Stackhouse: Hi guys! I’m her to blackmail Andy into giving me a job! Is he in?

Sam’s Redneck Family: Are rednecks.

Thomas: Runs to get a drink.

Alcide Herveaux’s Brain: I should sneak off and tell the Packmaster about the vampires and the blood and the brands and the almost-were sex.

Sookie Stackhouse: Why, I’d love to meet the Packmaster! Thanks so much for inviting me!

Alcide Herveaux: Goddammit.

Jason Stackhouse: Is a train wreck.

Tara Thornton: Run away!

Cooter: I protest!

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Hi Lafayette!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Is my momma dead?

Jesus the Gay Nurse: No! I came here to… see you.

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Is someone saying I deal drugs? Because it’s a damn lie, and I’ll cut anyone that says otherwise!

Jesus the Gay Nurse: No! I thought we could… go see a movie?

Lafayette Reynolds: …

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Together?

Lafayette Reynolds: …

Jesus the Gay Nurse: I’m gay!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Sweet.

Alcide Herveaux: So, what do you want to do about the vampires and the werewolves and the blood and the almost-were sex?

Packmaster Fraidycat: Run and hide until it’s all over?

Alcide Herveaux: Goddammit.

Jason Stackhouse: Washes a Sheriff’s car. Nakedly.

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Drives by. Sultry-ly.

Jason Stackhouse: Steals a cop car to chase her down. License and registration, please.

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Nope.

Jason Stackhouse: Name and phone number?

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Dude, you’re not a cop. You’re not even wearing clothes.

Jason Stackhouse: Date at Merlotte’s?

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: …maybe.

Arlene Fowler: Hi Jessica! I won’t look you in the eyes because you dead people like to hypnotize us alive people! </racist>

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hi customers! Be sure not to tip your waitress! </vampire-mind-whammy>

Hoyt Fortenberry: Hi Jessica! This is my girlfriend, Jenny the Extra, who I’m bringing around because you never call!

Sam’s Brother Tommy: Screw him. He’s a redneck, and you’re hot. Let’s have sex.

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Whaaa! My prisoner lover tried to escape from me? Why? Why? Why?!?

Tara Thornton: Um, if I tell you that it’s because the other vampires scare me, will you not eat me?

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: So, Franklin found Sookie’s family tree in your house, and I’m pretty sure your Queen has you looking into human telepathy.

Vampire Bill: Nope. That’s bullshit. Sir. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

Andy Bellefleur: Stackhouse! Good news! They’re gonna make you a deputy! All you have to do is pass the physical!

Jason Stackhouse: Score!

Andy Bellefleur: And the written exam!

Jason Stackhouse: Sadface!

Lafayette Reynolds and Jesus the Gay Nurse: Bitch please! Flirt.

Sam’s Brother Tommy: Hey, can I stay with you tonight?

Sam Merlotte: Sure, just tell your family where you’ll be.

Sam’s Brother Tommy: I’m thinking… no.

Sam Merlotte: Why? What’s your redneck father want from you?

Sam’s Brother Tommy: Hey look at the time got to be going nice talking to you see you later bye bye!

Thomas: Great. Sam’s Redneck Father is a Redneck Pedophile. Goddammit, show.

Cooter: Hey, did you hear that your Bon Temps waitress is sucking werewolf cock now? Right here in Jacksonville?

Vampire Bill: Super vampire kicking the werewolf’s ass until he tells me where Sookie is powers activate!

Burly the Big Vampire Bodyguard: Lumbers in dumbly.

Vampire Bill: Super vampire kicking burly vampire bodyguard’s ass so I can go rescue Sookie powers activate!

Jason Stackhouse: I thought you stood me up!

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Nope! Here I am! And now I’m leaving!

Jason Stackhouse: But wait! We haven’t had out “make out on a moonlit riverside” scene yet!

Jason Stackhouse and Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Make out on a moonlit riverside.

Eric Northman: So, can you help me get my Progeny back from the Magister yet?

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Actually, I have to go let a werewolf suck on my wrist for a bit. But can you keep my boy toy occupied for a while? I think he’s got a crush on you.

Lorena the Crazy Maker: Hi… Eric?

Eric Northman: …interesting.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Boys only!

Eric Northman: Charm.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Melt.

Sam’s Redneck Family: Are rednecks.

Thomas: Runs to the bathroom.

Tara Thornton: Baby, we need to talk.

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Don’t say that. Women say that, everything goes black, and I wake up surrounded by body parts.

Thomas: Loves this show.

Tara Thornton: No no no, it’s just that I haven’t eaten in like three episodes, and I’m kind of hungry.

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Headsmack! Of course! Let’s go to a fancy restaurant!

Tara Thornton: Yay!

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: We can celebrate your last day as a human!

Tara Thornton: …fuck.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: …and here’s where we keep our Japanese porn cartoons…

Eric Northman: Saucy!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: …and this is our shelf full of ancient weapons

Eric Northman: Exotic!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: …and this is where we keep the crown we took from your father’s head after we killed your whole family with werewolves!

Eric Northman: …I am going to murder everyone in this house. Twice.

Vampire Bill: Suckhy!

Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill!

Vampire Bill: You must GTFO! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

Cooter: Hi! I’m here to kidnap you!

Sookie Stackhouse: Weird hands of light that throw away the evil supe powers activate!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Wheeee! That was fun! Do it again!

The Plot: Thickens.

On to the next episode!